Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

To Remember…

Memorial Day has always been a sad day of remembrance. It is a day to honor the brave soldiers who gave their lives for their country so that we can live freely in it. I’m lucky. Everyone I know from my stint in the Army is still alive. Not all of them are well, but they’re all still here and living the best life they can. Some have seen war, some more than once, and others have not. Everyone’s experiences are vastly different, but we all share one thing in common. We all signed documents stating we would die for our country if the time came.

Remembering those who died in service to their country once a year hardly seems sufficient. The Facebook and Instagram and Twitter feeds are full of reminders and pictures and quotes to share their thanks for those who are no longer here to say you’re welcome. Memorials are erected. Flags are put up downtown. Speeches are given. Blogs are written. Moments of silence are quietly regarded.

This holiday weekend is also regarded as the beginning of summer. Pools and water parks are open for the season. The boats are prepped for pulling tubes and wakeboarders around lakes. Grills are lit. Food and drinks are shared. Friends and family get together. If you’re lucky enough to work at a company that observes Memorial Day as a holiday, even better! So it’s easy to forget the reason behind the celebration. There were men and women, just like us, who believed in this country enough to give everything for it. Everything. Whether it was their job, or they were ordered to, they did it.

A friend on FB really got my mind going which inspired my writing about today. She and her family visited gravesites of fallen soldiers. This woman is an amazing American, and so is her husband. They are proud and not afraid to show it and say it, and they are instilling those values into their daughter. From all the posts I see year after year, hers was the only one that stood out to me. It was the only one that made me ask myself if I am truly a proud American. Do I really appreciate the sacrifices that were made so I can enjoy the freedoms I have today? And I am. And I do. With all of my heart.

So I say thank you to those who can never tell me you’re welcome. I thank those who have served with friends they lost on the battlefields. I thank those who lost husbands, wives, sons, daughters, parents, and best friends. Because they remember the fallen every single day. Thank you to the brave who made the ultimate sacrifice, and thank you to those who have to live without them for the rest of their lives.

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A Trip To Paris…

Texas!!!!!!!

This week’s trip has me working from Hugo to Idabel, OK. With my coworker living in Paris, TX, that is where I’m hanging my hat for the next couple days. I’ve always wanted to go to Paris! 😂

With me traveling again, I’ve finally convinced myself to get the fuck out of my hotel room (and comfort zone) to explore the towns/cities where I’m staying. I’d heard about the Eiffel Tower in this town, and I had to see it, especially since I probably won’t ever see the real one in my lifetime. As much as I’d love to explore all of Europe and the surrounding countries, I’ll be just as happy to get to see all of the US. There are a lot of places on my travel bucket list, and I have to be realistic, right?! So, I decided to check this thing out, and I wasn’t disappointed! It’s super cute! The bigger perk of checking this thing out was the Red River Valley Veterans Memorial right next to it. It was beautiful! It had presence, and I could feel it. Although when I visit places like that I feel immense sadness. As hard as I try to enjoy the beauty and love of memorials, I can’t help but feel that way, and it takes all I have to not allow myself to fall any deeper. So after perusing the memorial I went back to the Eiffel Tower to cheer back up.

“The Paris, TX Eiffel Tower! Of course it has a red, cowboy hat!!! Why the hell not?!”

At this point I was debating on going back to the hotel (I was stupid tired) or go find something else. When I had searched for the tower I remembered seeing something about a historic site and a fountain. One thing I truly enjoy checking out are historic downtowns. The courthouses at the centers are usually pretty awesome! I searched for Paris’s original town center and headed that way. On my way I passed by a huge cemetery which I plan on checking out while I’m here. I heard there was a monument there that’s an angel with cowboy boots. Only in Texas, right?!

I find the historic downtown, and I gotta admit, it’s pretty cool! Lots of construction going on, old buildings being gutted, road work, etc. it looks like they’re trying to keep it in working order, and there are the usual antique shops, eateries, and randomness. The fountain was dead center to the south of the courthouse. It was pretty and peaceful, and I parked to check it out. It wasn’t anything grand, but I could definitely imagine people hanging out and eating lunch around this thing in warmer weather. I’d totally be eating a sandwich there on my lunch break!

After the fountain I figured I’d sort of drive around and check out some more of the buildings in the area. That is when I came across something I thought was pretty damn awesome!!!!! In the parking lot across from this old, crazy huge and odd looking church, was a community park. One side was a water park for warmer days, and the other side was a park of musical instruments. Now, when I say water park, I’m not talking something huge with slides or anything. It was basically a bunch of holes in the ground for water to come shooting out of at children playing in it. I gotta say that’s pretty fun and nice on a hot day! The music side had a large central set of pipes, surrounded by various xylophones, bells, and drums. All but the drums had attached mallets. Yes! I totally tried them out like I was a six year old! Even the sign for the music park was a xylophone, and of course I had to check that out too!

After feeling like a kid for a few minutes I decided to head back to the hotel. It was beginning to get dark after all, and I was exhausted. I figured I’d found plenty of new stuff to share with everyone, and I hope you enjoy it! It’s funny what you can find when you’re not looking. Seems a bit like life. I can sit in my hotel room longing for something to happen that never will, or I can get off my ass and find the beauty in the random and enjoy it! I hope you like the pictures below! Until next time!

-Bonnie

The RRV Veterans Memorial. This place was incredible!

Underneath the tower was a cool Texas inlay. I had to take a selfie…

The Culbertson Fountain which was dedicated in 1927! Construction on this thing had actually started in 1924, and it took three years to complete!

Harmony Park! Yes! I tried the instruments, and they sound pretty amazing! I’m not sure I want to know what it might sound like when twenty kids are beating on everything though…

Pretty much my view the first day of work this week, but it beats my computer monitors any day!!!!!

Of course I got one with the tower in the background!

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The Traveler…

I was recently asked by a friend if I’d ever thought about being a travel blogger. Well of course I have! Who wouldn’t want to travel the world and share new experiences with everyone who cares to read about them?! I mean, there are plenty of people who either can’t or don’t want to travel, and reading about them is their way to get out there and see what they are unwilling or unable to do. But my answer also brought out the main reasons why I would never pursue being a travel blogger. First off, I am at the point in my life where I wouldn’t even want to put in the type of effort it would take to make enough income to pay my current bills. Secondly, I am happy with the man I am with and where we are in our lives. When we do get to travel, it is for sanity and memories we get to create together.

Those who are close to me have surely noticed my BF does not like social media. He does not want pictures posted of him, and he would appreciate that I don’t really talk about him. Not to say he hasn’t been the reason behind some of my posts. But if anyone looks closely, they’ll notice there are no pictures of him that I post, and he isn’t tagged in anything either. He enjoys and likes to keep his privacy, and I respect that. He has also made me rethink a lot of my own social media content, and my participation has drastically lowered over the past year. Don’t think I don’t want to post pictures of us or declare my undying love for him for all my friends and family to see! I do! But I don’t have to prove anything to anyone that I am in a relationship with someone who lets me be my weird self. Yes. I admit I’m weird. It’s true! And we did recently take a couple of trips together, but I’m not writing to discuss those.

I’ve recently began traveling for work again. I love it and hate it. I love being able to get out of my office! I love being outside! Even when my weather app tells me it’s sunny even though I experienced snow flurries all day. I will happily be out in the heat or the cold and work my ass off. It’s a break from the norm, and it’s a way to keep my sanity. Although I love my normal routine, it’s nice to just break free from time to time and see new places. Even when the places are pretty boring!

Last week I was in Durant, OK. Two weeks before that I was in Oklahoma City, OK. Not really two places I would typically be excited to go to, and I wasn’t. It was for work anyway, and that’s what I focused on. If you haven’t worked with me out in the field, I am one of those people that love to get started early and will work until midnight if necessary. I’m sure a couple of coworkers think I’m crazy that starting the work day at 8am in the field isn’t early enough. But it’s not like I sleep well while I’m out of town anyway. Might as well get to work.

While I was out those two separate weeks, I realized I sorta lost my zeal to get out and experience where I was. It was work and hotel. Work and hotel. Oklahoma City didn’t inspire me to get out and see the sites. Yes. There are a plethora of things to do and see there, but I just couldn’t get motivated to even go out to eat. I mean, I brought my own food to stay on my diet. I’ve done a fair share of eating out and enjoying microbrews, and I just didn’t feel up to it this time around. Nor did I feel like checking out any local attractions. Not even the casinos. I was tempted at one point to stop at one on my drive home and drop a dollar in a spot to say I gambled at such and such casino. But then I thought nah. I’d have to park and walk in and actively take part in said activity. So I passed on that and continued driving.

Then I went to Durant. If you’ve never been there you’re really not missing too much. But maybe I did. The historic downtown had a fun flare to it, and I sorta wish I had gotten out to see it all. There was a pretty fun, artistic side to it, which made it a pretty cool little town. And there were some fun restaurants and bars that I could have stopped in to enjoy. But again, I brought all my own food and kept my work routine. You know the one: work, hotel, work, hotel. You get the point. There was also another big casino on my drive home. Did I stop this time? Nope! It would have entailed too much effort, and I was ready to be home.

Next week I will be back in OK. Our work is taking us through the Southeast corner of the state, and although there may not be a whole lot to see or do, I plan on adventuring this time around. I plan on walking through the small towns I stay in each trip I take up there (it’s not that far of a drive from where I live), and I also plan to write about them. Not that I am planning a side gig as a travel blogger, but just to share the new things that others may never get a chance to see. Who knows what I will find! I can still eat the food I bring and be faithful to the summer body I am trying to get (remember those are made in the winter or so I keep telling myself). Even though I kept myself in a pretty boring routine this past trip, I did stop once for some quick pictures in an alley. Odd place, I know, but as I mentioned earlier, Durant had an artsy side to it. Some of it you wouldn’t even see if you didn’t happen to drive to some off-the-beaten-path locations like we were for work. My first thought was that my daughter would love to see this! Then I thought my BF would think they were cool. Now I am sharing those with you, because I think you would like them too! So enjoy the pictures below, and I will share more from my upcoming trips.

Bonnie 💙

The random back alley in Durant. One block off the main drag, and we just randomly drove by it the first time getting from one location to the next.

The blue morpho is what convinced me to drive back by and get some pictures. It is my favorite butterfly, and I actually have four of them tattooed to represent four amazing women in my life.

Around the corner you could escape to four different places at each painted “window”.

This was a beach volleyball spot across from a Veterans of Foreign Wars building. It even had a place for horseshoes on the right. Thought it would have been an awesome spot to play and enjoy some cold ones if it wasn’t 30° that day.

Just a friendly neighbor checking us out while at work. A beautiful horse that knew I had gotten my phone out and decided to become camera shy. Go figure.

Hotel life in Oklahoma City. Yep! Gotta love those hotel rooms! 😂😂

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It Could Always Be Worse…

I say this to myself far too often. But it’s true. It’s an all encompassing truth. At least for me anyway.

So let me tell you how my week has been going. Just realize it’s only Tuesday. That should give an awesome clue as to how this will be laid out.

Sunday was a good day. Warm. I got a couple of paintings done and started a separate art project. It was sunny and warm, around 81°F. It was a tad boring of a day, but I kept busy for the most part. Then a storm comes through. Temps drop. Crazy lightning outside. Flood warnings. Yay Texas weather! It’s kinda normal, actually. The kicker is that Monday morning it is 39 F(ing) degrees outside! 39°?!?! And it’s raining. Cold and wet. Great start to a Monday.

I head outside to my car, praying it will start. Clyde does not like cold weather, but I’ve had so much work done to it that I am hoping it will be ok. Clyde started right up. Wasn’t running weird from the cold. I was highly impressed at this point. It’s going to be a great day! Right? Not until I head home from work!

Clyde has thrown in the towel. I barely made it home. Called the shop where I had spent far too much money to get Clyde fixed up. No answer. Actually, it’s Tuesday night, and I still haven’t received a phone call back. Jerks! Anyway, I had to pull over a few times on the way home, but I made it. Thankfully I made it. Of course my heart is pounding. I’m thinking my car is finally going to blow up. It didn’t. Whew! So anyway, my dad has a spare vehicle, and I am currently borrowing that. My stepmom is amazing! She came over to pick me up, brought dinner for me, and gave me the keys to my dad’s car. So awesome!

I don’t have internet at my place yet (actually getting installed tomorrow, been out for a few months now and cellular signal is fucking terrible). So I am attempting to begin the car buying process which involves multiple searches and filters and blah blah blah. Car shopping. I loathe car shopping. Since we were having shitty weather all day yesterday, my cell service was extra crappy. I couldn’t load anything. I was frustrated. I don’t think my bf knew what to do with me at this point. I know he wishes he could help more, but he’s in need of a new vehicle as well. Aren’t we a cute couple? Both in a hole at this point. So I call my mom.

My mom was all into helping me search for a “new” vehicle. She was putting in search criteria for me, and sending me pictures (which took an eternity to download on the phone 🙄), and she was emailing me links to check out the next day. Super cute and sweet! Love my mom so much! I’m pretty sure she was more excited about car shopping than I was. She found some good ones. Of course, anyone who can’t just walk onto a lot and pay cash for a new vehicle know the joys of used car shopping. You have to test drive all of them. I found some vehicles I was interested in, but dear God! They were not exactly nearby. Frustrating. Crappy weather. Figuring out loan calculators and budget and wondering if I’ll have food for the winter. Such fun!

Today, Tuesday, I drive to work. I’m there for thirty minutes and get a phone call from a friend of mine (also a coworker). She ran out of gas maybe two miles from a gas station! Her car lied to her and said she still had 21 miles left to go before being empty. So I leave the office to go pick her up. We head to the gas station. She gets a gas can and a gallon of gas. We head back to her car. Mind you it is cold as hell and just raining. Great weather to get stuck in. Just miserable weather. Bleh. So we get back to her car. The gas can nozzle won’t fit into her gas tank! I never knew this before, but Fords have a funnel-like thing with the spare just for this! Well, guess what she didn’t have with her spare. So we head to the office. Figure there’s a funnel somewhere in the shop.

Lunchtime rolls around, the rain sort of turns into a light drizzle, and we get ready to head back to her car. Walk out to my borrower vehicle and the driver’s side front tire is looking pretty low. Really? I was just like, come on universe, are you serious right now?! We head over to the gas station, slowly of course, and I put air in the tire. Seems good. We start off towards her car, get on the freeway, and the tire pressure sensor goes off. Pretty much at this point I was over it. I make it to another gas station, pull up to the air, trying to figure out what to do. It’s still cold and rainy. At this point it decided to rain a little harder. Called a coworker to take my friend to her car so I can beeline to a shop. Found a shop nearby, called, and they said they could fix it but wouldn’t be able to get to it for over an hour. That’s fine! Coworker comes to pick up friend. I refill the tire with air and head to the shop. PSI is dropping fast. I slowly make it to another station. More air. I’ve got three blocks to go, and I really don’t want to damage the wheel of this vehicle. Slowly make it to the shop. Get it there, and it finishes deflating.

Gotta say these guys were on it. They finished what they were working on and started working on the tire. Then they tell me the hole is too big to fix and have to use the spare. Fine with me! Do what you guys need to do! Guy comes back in and asks where the special tool is to get the spare down. I have no clue. Didn’t know there was a special tool for this. What else could go wrong?! Incredibly they found it!!! They mounted the spare. Didn’t charge me a thing! Seriously! Nothing! I asked what I owed, and the guy says nothing. I tell him I owe him something. The guy says I don’t. So I thank him multiple times, extremely grateful for the small kindness that brightened my dreary day. I make it back to work only wanting to go home and curl up in a ball and cry.

I made it through the cold and rainy day. Drove home from work. Walked to the front door and I see a bag hanging off the door handle. I take it inside, happy to see my two hair balls and open the bag I brought in. My stepmom brought it over for me with a card, a pumpkin dish, and a bag of candy corn, and that made me cry. I talk to my mom who is wanting to help me out by selling her horse trailer and old truck to lend me cash to put towards a car so I don’t have to pay interest. That made me cry. So my moms made my day end so sweetly and I felt so much love from the two of them. They really know how to remind me that I am loved. So even though my week has started off pretty shitty, today ended in lots of love and feelings of gratitude. Because it could always be worse.

To mellow this post out a touch, I’m going to share something. I recently had more work added to my tattoo piece on my back which entailed four butterflies. The original butterfly I had put on my back was for my grandmother. But I wanted three more coming up over shoulder. Each of those represents my mom, my stepmom, and my ex stepmom. The moms in my life who always made sure I was ok. They are there to help me when I need guidance and strength and someone to vent to. They are with me at all times. All of my tats have individual meanings, but they all come together as a mortality piece on my back. Still need more work done to complete. It’s almost there. It’s special to me. It’s me. But I wanted to share that about the butterfly section.

I hope this hasn’t been too dreary and all of a post, but I feel like sharing my shitty week with you, only to get to the end and seeing how beautiful today turned out. I am so grateful for the little things, my friends, my coworkers, my bf, even when adulting tries to bodyslam me from time to time, those little things all add up to amazingly grand things that make me smile.

Because, after all, it could be worse.

-Bonnie

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Love Is…

Amazing! It gives you the gift of flight to soar above the clouds. It motivates you. It allows you to see parts of your world you didn’t even know existed. It makes you brave. It makes you smile. It makes your heart skip a beat.

It’s also terrible. In a way. When you had it, and then one day it is gone. Poof! That strength and invincibility no longer support your weight above the clouds. You dive, headfirst, into an abyss where the world around you is gray toned and dull. You hide. You cry. Your heart hurts.

The saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is such a statement of truth. Many of us have been through the highs and lows of love, only to come out more hardened and hidden away, afraid of having our hearts broken yet again. But when you say fuck it and let love happen, you hesitantly and somewhat cautiously dive in. The mistakes of the past make you leery of the what ifs. What if this doesn’t work? What if he leaves me? What if she decides she’s better off alone? All those what ifs that scream in the back of your mind, vying for your attention. How do you ignore them?

You choose to.

You choose to love rather than fear the unknown. And yes. Love can make you blind. But when you’re a seasoned veteran of love and love lost, you can’t help to be prepared. As long as you’re prepared you have nothing to fear, right? This world we live in is built on fear. Survival of the fittest is in our DNA. We can’t help it. We as humans can survive without love. Although, what a sad world to live in without love. Those chemicals that release hormones and the sensations of love, are there for our survival. But who wants to get into the technicalities?!

Love. It hits you when you least expect it. It makes you tongue-tied and stupid and crazy and silly and happy. Everyone’s experience with love is different. Some find the love of their life early on. Some don’t find it until the end. Some find it only to have it ripped away and taken from them forever. It’s a battle of love and evil. The good and the bad. And love usually ends up winning. How many times do we see an act of hate only to be muted by acts of love? How often are we engulfed in pain and suffering to be gifted with a warm meal, a shoulder to cry on, a kind word, or a simple hug?

Love in all its forms dominate our lives in some way. How do you decide when to take the leap? How do you know when it’s real? How do you know that you’ll never be hurt again? You don’t.

You take a deep breath and leap.

And you love with everything you have.

And you learn to fly all over again.

-Bonnie 💙

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Life As I Know It…

It’s a tad crazy to say the least. You’re up one moment and down the next. But then you zoom back up again only to fall further down, and then you’re ok. Not great. Not terrible. Just ok. And I have learned that ok is ok. It could always be worse.

But it does seem Life has its curveballs, and sometimes you just can’t hit the damn ball that’s been thrown your way. It’s football season, and why the hell am I using a baseball analogy? Whatever. Moving on. So yeah. Life. It’s the greatest adventure we will ever know. It’s our life. We make it what we want. Yes. There are plenty of external factors that can influence it for good or bad, but overall, it’s yours. It’s yours to do with as you please. Waste it. Grow it. Destroy it. Expand it. End it. All things we as humans are capable of doing with this gift we have all been given. Not that we had any say as to whether we wanted one to begin with, but I would like to think I am quite happy that I was even given this opportunity to live. To laugh. To cry. To create another life. To love.

Our parents passed this gift of life to us, sometimes by accident. They happen. Their lives will one day end, and ours will continue on for a while. It’s inevitable. We have the choice to give life to another, and the cycle continues. The first few years our lives are not our own. They are governed in some form or fashion. The attempt to mold us while we are young and susceptible to influence to become more in the eyes of our parents and others. But we grow up and realize this one major thing: it’s my life. Some people never grasp this. Some grasp it early on. Some grasp it only when they have passed it on to another. There are an infinite number of ways that people become aware of their life belonging to them. So how do we decide, out of the endless possibilities, what we want to do with it?

One thing I have learned is that life is uncertain as all fuck. I have written plenty about how my plans for my life never seem to go accordingly. It’s like I’m swimming, swimming, swimming and then WHAM! I swim into a fucking wave this hits hard! Really hard! So I get confused. Wonder what the hell just happened. How did I get pushed backwards from how far I thought I had gotten? Maybe I swim around in circles until I’m completely lost. Maybe throw in a little panic mode for good measure. Then I look at my options of how to get through the wave currently making a beeline for me to wash me up on shore. Sometimes I just have to swim over it. It might take a while, or maybe it was a small wave I could have easily dove under if I was paying the slightest attention to the details? Each wave is different. I like using the wave analogy, because even though they can stop you in your tracks, they can also make you fall backwards and tumble, tumble some more, lose your breath, force your head onto a rock, panic, tumble again, scratch your legs up pretty bad, and maybe even throw some seaweed into your face. Which seems ok until you actually experience seaweed in your face! But eventually you make it through and breath deep.

So back to this whole gift of life and the choices we make thing. We can take the highs but be prepared for the lows. We can take the lows and hope we can find that high again. Hope. An extremely important motivator. A small thing that has great influence in our lives. We can use hope for any bad scenario. It helps us look at our low points as if they are ok.

Life is full of ok moments, and life is full of good moments if we choose to see them that way. It may seem like I’m rambling on about this, but trust me. In my head it’s all perfectly laid out and makes complete sense. Or so I would like to believe. Just when I think I have it all figured out, that curveball is sent straight for my head hoping to knock some sense into it that I have absolutely nothing figured out at all. And that’s one of the beautiful parts of this gift I have been given. I’ll never figure it out, but hopefully I can prepare myself to enjoy it to the fullest. I’ve had my share of hurt and pain and heartbreak and endless wave upon wave, and I choose to look back and learn from those lessons to make my life better for the future I hope I get. Because honestly, we don’t know when this gift of life stops giving.

So, with my ramblings, I hope that you see your life as a gift too! The millions of people that have had a butterfly effect on my life and vice versa are all gifts in some way. Hopefully when I am feeling low I will think back on this post and remember the hope I have expressed here. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose the light. Don’t forget your gift. It’s too easy to lose your way in the darkness, but don’t give up hope. Remember, we are all sharing this gift of life with each other. Maybe this time it will go as planned…

Love,

Bonnie 💙

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The Little Things…

They always make the biggest difference. All those little things. I can talk about all the bad ones, but that’s too easy at this point. It’s the small, sweet, kind things that have the biggest impact. You know, the kind words from friends who know you’re going through a rough patch. The random phone call to let you know someone is thinking about you, just because. Getting the last bite of someone’s dessert, because they know it’s your favorite. The smiles from complete strangers that can brighten your dull day. The wise words of people who have been there and done that. Someone putting your grill together for you while you’re at work and then breaks it in by grilling some steaks for dinner. Someone taking you out for spur of the moment ice cream. All those little things.

When life gets you down, or you’re just sort of blah. It’s like no matter how much shit the universe throws your way, it also seems to know when you need a slight break. When you’re trying your hardest to brighten other’s days, and you could use some brightening of the spirit yourself, it just happens. A funny joke. A funny story. Maybe something you do that makes you laugh at yourself for a second and hope no one else saw it happen. Even just witnessing others do kind things for their friends. All things that make me smile and feel that the world is better because of all of them. Even my own, little world. It needs those kind reassurances that there is happiness and joy and love, especially when it doesn’t feel like it.

There’s always some weirdness in my life, and sometimes it throws me off course. I get off schedule. I get flaky. I hide away in a book with not much to say to anyone. I avoid others. Even the ones I need to have around me. And I know better. I know I should be surrounded by friends and loved ones when I get this way, but for some reason it’s just easier to hide away. Not that I am truly hiding. I guess I am just better at being alone with my thoughts at times. Or maybe I’m better at hermit-ing. I don’t know. I just get blah and disappear.

So thank you to everyone who is patient with me during these periods of hiding. Your kind gestures help pull me out of my funk. You help me heal. And although it may seem like forever, it helps me see the light again and get back to being myself in due time. Those small, sweet bits of light make more difference than you’d ever realize.

So this will be short and sweet and a sort of thank you note. A nod to those who help me find my smile and my self again. To those who know me well enough to know I go through funks when life can drag me down. Don’t ever stop. For my sake, please keep them coming. I love you all. You make my life brighter in the darkest of times.

Keep smiling. It’ll help someone’s day, somewhere, when their life is blah.

-Oceangrrrl 💙

My sweet, little hairball of happiness and joy. She’s my little Sausage buddy. 😍

A place where I found a nice chunk of joy, and where I wish I still was.

Water. A place of peace. The little things…

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I Miss You…

We all miss something or someone or some time or some place or some experience. There’s a hole somewhere. A place that can only be filled with memories or imagination. I know a lot of times I’ll say I miss being a kid. And it’s not that I can’t run around or go climb trees or explore, it’s just that I make excuses that I’m tired, I want to sleep in, that’s private property, I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t have time, my knee is acting iffy, etc. It’s sad that I somehow deny myself those simple, childish joys. I feel the urge to get out and do more, but it’s so nice just relaxing in the hammock with my book or sitting on the back porch with Sausage, whose favorite thing to do is relax:

That’s Sausage. I really need to leash train that little beast so I can drag her around with me in the great outdoors. I’ll let you know if that is even a possibility. 😂

But back to missing things.

So what has brought about this sort of laziness? I miss the never ending curiousness and energy I once had. I think once you get to my age it’s not that you’re old, but it’s more that you’re well aware time is actually pretty short. I’ll be thirty-eight this year, and yeah, I know, to some people that’s not old, that’s very true. I’m not old per se, but I am old enough to understand I’m not young anymore. I’m old enough to understand that life is short, and I need to spend time with the ones I love before time runs out. That also means I understand I have a limited amount of time to try things I’ve never done and enjoy things I love to do. Still, I don’t do them (not all of them anyway). And I know I’ll miss them if I let them slip away.

It is a curious thing to try to understand why these choices are made. It sort of circles back to my post about those super go go go people. It’s like they totally understand time is short and are doing everything they can to fill it. Then there are those people who really just don’t gaf. They let time go by and, well, maybe it doesn’t matter if they don’t care. Maybe that’s just one of the “keys” to getting through life happily (or just getting through it). You either understand and act upon squeezing as much life in as you can, or you go through life not caring so it doesn’t bother you? Am I an in-between-er? Is that even a category? Everything is categorized these days anyway, so I may as well stick a label on it right? But still, missing things. I keep missing my point here and drifting.

Missing things! I miss the youth I used to have. I miss the memory skills I used to have. I miss friends who were toxic to my life, and even though they were toxic, they were still a part of who I have become. I miss the family members in my life who are no longer with me. I miss the freedoms of being a kid and not having to adult. I miss summer vacations with cousins, and just being able to actually go on one. I miss the newness of experiences growing up. I miss you. I miss me.

So here I go with another balance spiel. I keep getting myself stuck in the past at times. I know this doesn’t do me any good. Reminiscing about the past only makes you sad. It makes you long for things that are no longer obtainable. Memories, good or bad, can have a negative affect the more you dwell on them. Even the good memories can make you begin to wish for them again and distract you from experiencing good things right in front of your face. This seems to be a recurring issue with me. Maybe it is with everyone? Maybe some people are just better at jumping back into reality before the past begins to take over their thoughts? Here I go again creating more questions and digging deeper into something without actually fixing it. But maybe that’s what I need to do to be a better me? Maybe this sort of inner reflection is what I need to see me more clearly? To realize that I don’t need to miss who I was? Maybe I need to see past the past, and take joy in who I am becoming? Back in the times that I miss, all those experiences have helped shaped me into me. They helped shape you into you. And do I miss your younger you? Do I miss your not-as-wise-as-you-are-now you? Not at all! So why should I dwell on missing the old me? Well, the younger me, really, but you know what I mean.

Maybe this post can help us both look forward to what we will become. Maybe that’s the key to motivation and living life to the fullest? And maybe you have to take the time to miss the past, because it helps you plan and get excited about the future? Obviously I can’t answer that, but I think I’m pretty good at the introspection part of it all. So, me and balance. Gotta find the balance. Gotta enjoy the now. The past is done. It can’t be changed, and even if it hurts, it’s still there. The past can teach us so many lessons if we choose to learn from it, but it can also rip us apart and drag us down to live it over and over again and miss our now. Our own sort of Hell if you will.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Plus I’ve noticed my posts are sort of boring lately. I keep doing this look inward thing, and I can only imagine how exciting it is to continuously turn the mirror back at myself/yourself whatever. I’ll post something upbeat again soon I promise! It’s almost my mini-me’s 17th (yeah OMG!) birthday, and there are some good time’s ahead! Oh! I got to see the Alamo for the first time and cruise San Antonio’s river walk a little bit this past weekend! Yeah. I know. I live in Texas and hadn’t seen any of that yet. It’s a big state dammit!!! I’ve been pretty blessed to see some other things in my life that many will never see, so I’m just checking off some sites from my to-see list! I’m sure there will be some more San Antonio exploring and some river floating in my near future. Maybe even some peace and quiet and relaxation. I’ll let you know! Til then, ciao!

-Bonnie

Oh yeah! I’m getting more work done on a tattoo piece that I am so looking forward to getting done!!! So excited!!!!!!

Volleyball time with my mini and her bestie! Oh summer days and sunshine!!!!

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Sometimes I Feel Lost…

There are times in my life where I feel as though my ship has drifted off its course. There are times when I feel like the universe has aligned the planets just for me. When things fall into place, I feel as though I am on top of the world. It’s like a bow-of-the-Titanic sort of feeling. Well, prior to the whole iceberg thing, but you know what I’m saying. So when things aren’t going the way they “should”, it’s frustrating as all hell. Like why? Whyyyyyyyyyy??????? Why can’t things continuously go with the flow?? What did I do to fuck all of this up???? Why is the universe/God/existence/karma/whatever trying to punish me? What in the world could I have gotten so wrong?

It’s funny. Life does NOT work out according to plan. Ok. According to MY plan. But still. It’s MY life dammit! Every time I think things are going the way I planned them to, they are upended by life. Things change. Circumstances change. The universe feels I should be moving in a completely different direction from where I am currently headed. It gets frustrating. Some of you may totally understand what I am trying to convey. Some of you will say this life is not really ours, it belongs to God or god or whomever. Some will say this isn’t even real anyway. Everyone has an idea or a lesson or an experience that helps them answer this question to themselves, and it’s amazing how most everyone believes their views are the correct ones. But! That’s a discussion for a different time. When that one comes up I’ll throw in some money and politics for fun! Hahaha!!!

Anyway. Back to being derailed by the powers and energies that be. We all know life has its ups and downs. People are born. People die. There are miracles. There are disasters. It all comes back around to the balance of it all. Something any of my sadist blog readers know I am a huge believer of. You can’t have highs without lows. And you can’t appreciate those highs without being brought to your knees. It’s a vicious cycle that all you can do is learn to prepare for. And even in that there lies a balance. Spend too much time preparing for the worst, and you won’t get to enjoy the best. Worrying too much about the future takes the experience away from the now. Remaining stuck in the past keeps you from applying those past lessons to your future. And on and on and on it goes. It only stops when we’re dead, I guess.

And here I go again not really answering anything at all. I continue to have my crazy highs and lows in life, and just when I get comfortable the universe says move along there’s nothing to see here anymore. Gee thanks a billion! I really need to work on my worrying though! I’m really good about stressing myself out the instant I feel I need to fix whatever just happened. So I jump on the problem and freak the fuck out and stress myself out. Thankfully I have people in my life who know what to say to get me to be in the moment, take a deep breath, and realize I’ve got this. Stop worrying about the things I can’t control. Do what is in my power and roll along with what is thrown at me. Sometimes you have to duck and dodge. Sometimes you have to block. Sometimes you just have to take it. Sometimes you have to throw something back. But nothing sharp though! We don’t want to gouge anything! It’s always fun and games until someone loses an eye!

Well, I hope I succeeded in getting the wheels turning and the gears grinding and not answering any questions I asked myself. Eh. It happens. Keep living and loving life as best you can. Remember, you got this!

-Bonnie

Sometimes the simplest views are where all the beauty goes to show off. All about the little things… 😊

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Reassurance Is My Top Insecurity…But Is It Really?

I think we have all determined that I am a woman. At least according to science. But we won’t get into detail on that one. You’ll just have to take my word on it. 😉 I say that, because, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I really like reassurance. I mean, honestly, I need it. There are some people who thrive on being reassured about their performance or attitude or just in general. I like to know if I’m doing a good job or not. How am I to better myself or my processes if I don’t get feedback? How am I supposed to plan or improve if I don’t get acknowledgment???

I think it could possibly be a chick thing, but thinking about it over the last ten sentences makes me think it’s probably more universal than I give it credit. We all have some sort of insecurities, but we handle them differently. Personally I need to know. Deep down I know, but I need that assurance that it’s still there. I do this at work. I do this in relationships. I do this in my everyday life. It’s just part of being me. And it’s funny to think that I really, truly need that. I feel I am decently confident person, but there’s just that nagging in the back of mind. Like did I do a good job? Did I do a shitty job? Is there something I can improve to do a better job? What can I do for people to like me more? Does he really love me? Does she really love me?

Obviously those can eat at your psyche. I know I’d hear if I was doing a bad job. Right? So I assume I’ve done a good job. But it’s that uncertainty that starts feeding into your head like the Nothing, and besides, you know what happens when you assume. I know I am loved. So why do I need to hear it? Why is it necessary for me to get an audible affirmation to quench those doubts that shouldn’t even be there?! Why do I need to hear your thank you or good work or keep it up? My last post talks about how I like to make people happy. So is this tied together in some way??? Is my need to please only fulfilled when I hear that it has done some good? It’s funny the questions that can sink into your head when you take the time. I’m not entirely sure this is a good thing, but I do enjoy the questions. They are like doorways into yourself and others and help open up the why’s and how’s of things in life.

Maybe after all of this random thinking I only end up with more questions than when I started? I don’t really know if I am answering anything at all, but it does help me see myself a bit more. All I can do is grow and improve as I make my way through this existence. I mean, do I really need to tell myself I’ve done a good job so far, or can I keep the faith and become more than what I am currently am? I think I’m good! Until next time! 😙

-Bonnie

Seriously? That’s all I got! 😂😂😂

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