Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

I Miss You…

We all miss something or someone or some time or some place or some experience. There’s a hole somewhere. A place that can only be filled with memories or imagination. I know a lot of times I’ll say I miss being a kid. And it’s not that I can’t run around or go climb trees or explore, it’s just that I make excuses that I’m tired, I want to sleep in, that’s private property, I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t have time, my knee is acting iffy, etc. It’s sad that I somehow deny myself those simple, childish joys. I feel the urge to get out and do more, but it’s so nice just relaxing in the hammock with my book or sitting on the back porch with Sausage, whose favorite thing to do is relax:

That’s Sausage. I really need to leash train that little beast so I can drag her around with me in the great outdoors. I’ll let you know if that is even a possibility. 😂

But back to missing things.

So what has brought about this sort of laziness? I miss the never ending curiousness and energy I once had. I think once you get to my age it’s not that you’re old, but it’s more that you’re well aware time is actually pretty short. I’ll be thirty-eight this year, and yeah, I know, to some people that’s not old, that’s very true. I’m not old per se, but I am old enough to understand I’m not young anymore. I’m old enough to understand that life is short, and I need to spend time with the ones I love before time runs out. That also means I understand I have a limited amount of time to try things I’ve never done and enjoy things I love to do. Still, I don’t do them (not all of them anyway). And I know I’ll miss them if I let them slip away.

It is a curious thing to try to understand why these choices are made. It sort of circles back to my post about those super go go go people. It’s like they totally understand time is short and are doing everything they can to fill it. Then there are those people who really just don’t gaf. They let time go by and, well, maybe it doesn’t matter if they don’t care. Maybe that’s just one of the “keys” to getting through life happily (or just getting through it). You either understand and act upon squeezing as much life in as you can, or you go through life not caring so it doesn’t bother you? Am I an in-between-er? Is that even a category? Everything is categorized these days anyway, so I may as well stick a label on it right? But still, missing things. I keep missing my point here and drifting.

Missing things! I miss the youth I used to have. I miss the memory skills I used to have. I miss friends who were toxic to my life, and even though they were toxic, they were still a part of who I have become. I miss the family members in my life who are no longer with me. I miss the freedoms of being a kid and not having to adult. I miss summer vacations with cousins, and just being able to actually go on one. I miss the newness of experiences growing up. I miss you. I miss me.

So here I go with another balance spiel. I keep getting myself stuck in the past at times. I know this doesn’t do me any good. Reminiscing about the past only makes you sad. It makes you long for things that are no longer obtainable. Memories, good or bad, can have a negative affect the more you dwell on them. Even the good memories can make you begin to wish for them again and distract you from experiencing good things right in front of your face. This seems to be a recurring issue with me. Maybe it is with everyone? Maybe some people are just better at jumping back into reality before the past begins to take over their thoughts? Here I go again creating more questions and digging deeper into something without actually fixing it. But maybe that’s what I need to do to be a better me? Maybe this sort of inner reflection is what I need to see me more clearly? To realize that I don’t need to miss who I was? Maybe I need to see past the past, and take joy in who I am becoming? Back in the times that I miss, all those experiences have helped shaped me into me. They helped shape you into you. And do I miss your younger you? Do I miss your not-as-wise-as-you-are-now you? Not at all! So why should I dwell on missing the old me? Well, the younger me, really, but you know what I mean.

Maybe this post can help us both look forward to what we will become. Maybe that’s the key to motivation and living life to the fullest? And maybe you have to take the time to miss the past, because it helps you plan and get excited about the future? Obviously I can’t answer that, but I think I’m pretty good at the introspection part of it all. So, me and balance. Gotta find the balance. Gotta enjoy the now. The past is done. It can’t be changed, and even if it hurts, it’s still there. The past can teach us so many lessons if we choose to learn from it, but it can also rip us apart and drag us down to live it over and over again and miss our now. Our own sort of Hell if you will.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Plus I’ve noticed my posts are sort of boring lately. I keep doing this look inward thing, and I can only imagine how exciting it is to continuously turn the mirror back at myself/yourself whatever. I’ll post something upbeat again soon I promise! It’s almost my mini-me’s 17th (yeah OMG!) birthday, and there are some good time’s ahead! Oh! I got to see the Alamo for the first time and cruise San Antonio’s river walk a little bit this past weekend! Yeah. I know. I live in Texas and hadn’t seen any of that yet. It’s a big state dammit!!! I’ve been pretty blessed to see some other things in my life that many will never see, so I’m just checking off some sites from my to-see list! I’m sure there will be some more San Antonio exploring and some river floating in my near future. Maybe even some peace and quiet and relaxation. I’ll let you know! Til then, ciao!

-Bonnie

Oh yeah! I’m getting more work done on a tattoo piece that I am so looking forward to getting done!!! So excited!!!!!!

Volleyball time with my mini and her bestie! Oh summer days and sunshine!!!!

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Wait!  I’m An Adult?!

It’s funny!  To me anyway. Every year we celebrate our birthdays.  We celebrate aging another year, and as we celebrate the fact that we were brought into this world to share our awesomeness, we realize how mortal we are.  It hits us harder each year that we are creeping closer and closer to our death.  Eventually our birthdays become celebrations that we actually made it a whole, entire year. Maybe without breaking a hip or having a joint replaced.  

I bring this up, because well, at the wise age of 36, I am creeping up on my “middle” age, and I finally realized I am an adult.  Yes.  I have been a mom for the past 15 1/2 years, but not even that made me feel adultish. That just made me feel like a mom.  I may have worked in the same industry on and off again since high school for an accumulated 13 or so years, but even that didn’t make me feel like an adult.  At least, not until recently.  Lemme splain.  I am no expert in what I do.  I will never ever ever ever ever ever claim to know everything.  Ever!  There is always so much to learn and expand on in whatever my field is.  I mean, how can you know it all if you don’t even know exactly what you are/do?  Anyway, off topic.  Back on track. See what I did there?  Yeah you did!

So!  I know a few things in my field.  I have experienced a few things in my field.  I have figured out a few things in my field.  This has made me slightly knowledgeable.  Scary thought!  I kid!  Knowing the odd things that I do, prompts other people to ask me questions about my thoughts and opinions on certain things that I have experience with.  That!  That has made me realize I am an adult.  It has also made me realize I am quite a bit older than some people I work with, but enough about that.  My aging is inevitable.  Being asked what I would do, that made me feel important in a way.  That I might actually know something and be able to contribute to someone or something else.  Maybe that should have made me feel more like an active member of society and the team I work with, but no.  It made me realize I have adulted.  I have evolved into a full adult.  There’s no going back now.  I can’t reverse that thinking even though I want to at times. 

This I’m-an-adult-now thinking has followed me to family events and haunts my daily activities.  I am no longer a “kid” at family functions. A realization I hate to admit, because the kids get to have the most fun!  Duh!  Adults have fun too, I know, but the kids don’t have to clean up and do dishes and blah blah blah. You know what I am saying.  Yes.  Alcohol can make those things more enjoyable, but still.  I’m trying to cut way down on the imbibing.  

Yeah.  Work is what started this whole train of thought.  Ha!  I did it again.  If you didn’t know by now, I work in the railroad industry.  Now you’ll get ALL the jokes!  Hahaha!!!!  Sucker!  Anyway, work.  Work got this rolling along.  I mean, it’s not like I never took my job seriously before I was struck with adultom, it just wasn’t seen that way.  It wasn’t made visible yet to me that my opinion actually has some merit from time to time.  I’m sure people talk badly behind my back now and again, but I am also sure some people tell others to ask me whatever question it is they have just asked.  It’s just funny to realize it one, random day out in the shop.  I had been asked numerous questions by that same person, but that one time was different somehow.    Now my thinking has forever changed.  I may not always act like an adult, but now I can’t deny that I am one.  It sort of sucks.  

With that I will let all the youngins continue their adulting.  Now I just get to whine that I don’t want to adult.  Period.   My “ing” has aged without grace. 

-Bonnie
Me in my twenties:

…and that flower looks like it could be a questionable emoji. 😂😂😂
Thirties:

How I feel about being a full-blown adult:

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Been Distant…

So, as usual, I haven’t taken the time to write anything new, and I figured why not take a couple of minutes to say that I am still alive.  It’s funny reading my last post, as it claims I miss living in my car among some other things.  

Gotta admit…

…life is funny as shit!

A few things in my life have changed since that last post. For starters, I only have two cats.  Sadly I had to put my sweet Cali down. I had never had to put a pet to sleep before, and I cried like a baby.  You know, you think to yourself and wonder wtf is wrong with me. Why am I acting like this?  It’s just a cat!  But no matter how much I tried to dismiss my own feelings as being stupid, the waterworks and heartbreak kept coming. Truth is, she really was part of my little family at home, and I miss her everyday.  Going into work the next day was difficult, because you can hold yourself together, but here’s the kicker, until someone mentions and acknowledges your loss.  Why is that?  I might need to do some research, because I am curious, because it seems sympathy and empathy from others forces you to feel those emotions all over again.  The tearing up, the lump in the throat, the knowing that the water levels are at the rim and about to pour over, and you know you have to walk away or let them see you cry.  A couple people got to see me cry.  At work. And I am NOT a fan of crying at work.  It usually only happens when I am super pissed the fuck off.  That is rare though.  You don’t want to see me angry and crying. For one it’s just not right, and two it’s a sign that my magma levels are on the verge of exploding in your face. 

Moving on…

I got to have my mini-me ALL of Christmas break, minus a couple days, and it was AWESOME!!!!!!  I love my Madi!  She is growing up to be such an amazing young lady, and she makes me so proud!  We didn’t have an exciting winter break, because I had to work a few days in there, and we didn’t go out of town or anything, but we still had fun!  She made out like a bandit, as usual, and she even got a new recurve bow for Christmas ( my man’s idea!).  We did some target practice, celebrated three different Christmases and a New Year, and we got the chance to relax a bit here and there.  She got to spend some time with family and went to the Armed Forces game with a friend.  All in all it was a blast!  It was nice to get to spend actually quality time with my daughter and chat about life and watch movies and stay up late and sleep in in the morning.  We didn’t get a skate in, but we did start running after the New Year.  My legs hurt for a week!  Sadly I had to get back to work, and she had to get back to school.  Besides, it’s winter guard season!!!!

Ready for a big update?

Well, you don’t really have a choice…

My man asked me to move in with him!  This is scary!  And exciting!  And I had to ask if he was sure (this has been a sensitive topic).  And I am excited! And frightened!  But most of all excited!!!  There’s just so much to do though!  Most guys aren’t super organized, we ladies know this.  Lord knows I love to be organized, but then reality takes over (ok, laziness), and then everything just becomes organized chaos.  I mean, I know where things are.  I think.  Where the hell did I put that…

So yeah!  Moving in!  Huge step!  Lots of stuff to throw away and move and organize and donate!  So.  Much.  Crap.  Got my old bed out of storage and set it up at his house over the weekend.  I plan to go through stuff and grab a couple things from storage this weekend. Maybe pack some stuff up I don’t use right now. We shall see.  I’m just trying my best to not procrastinate.  I’ll let you know how that goes.  

But it’s scary, right?  I haven’t been on this particular end of things.   Normally it’s someone moves in with me, not me moving in with them.  And even though there is a slightly frightening aspect to it, I couldn’t be more optimistic and thrilled!  I love this man. He’s difficult and moody and stubborn, but I love him.  He is kind and loving and understanding. He shares and supports and helps.  We have plenty of life to go through, and infinite experiences to share together, and I have never looked forward to that before as I do now. I told him that I think we are just two people how have been hurt too many times before and sick of crappy people.  I think the universe finally got tired of torturing us and had us meet.   Yay!!!

There’s a lot more that has happened, but I think I’ll leave you with that; full of hope and love and excitement and a touch of fear.  

And I’ll be out of my apartment by March 1st.  So if anyone wants to help me pack, come on over.  I have alcohols!  And food! 😉

Love,

Bonnie 
I miss my sweet Calikins…  😔


Birthday breakfast!!!!  It’s very close to Christmas!  

My dad and second mom got me tickets to see Trans Siberian Orchestra for my birthday!  My man had to work, so I got to take the mini!!!!

She was just trying the bow out at this point.  We went and bought it for her while she was preoccupied.  😁

She Robin Hooded it the next time we went to go practice!  

Even I got some practice time in with my new bow!  Love it!!!

Pretty much how I felt after celebrating three Thanksgivings and three Christmases and my birthday and New Year!  Holy cow!  That’s Sausage btw.  I love my fat cat!  Yes!  I know it’s unhealthy!  Stop body shaming my cat!

So fat…     Little sausage casing…  😂😂

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It’s Something…

Yes.  I realize it has been a few months since my last post.  I have to admit, my writing might become a tad boring, but I’ll let you be the judge of all that.  I am thinking I need to update the blog since it no longer involves living in my vehicle. So where should I begin?  Should I start off with the good or the bad?  The happy or the sad?   How about I jut start with something?

So, the holidays have come and gone.  We have gone through Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Year, and today, Groundhog Day.  Early Spring has been predicted if you weren’t in the know.  Keep up with the times people!  😉   Although here in Texas we have been having springlike weather for a while now, and I am really wishing it would be cold.  I mean, I love the warmth and the sun and all, but I have some really awesome boots that I would like to wear for a couple months.  Ridiculous.   Anyway, so I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season filled with love and family and happiness and joy.  I am still with the same incredible and wonderful guy that I have written about.  He has requested that I not bald on about his personal life, and I have agreed, but I will have to mention him from time to time since he is a part of my life.  I think he’s ok with that as long as I spare any details.  Let me just say this: he’s pretty fucking awesome, and I love the shit out of him!!!  😍😍😍😍😍

In other news, work he kept me busy.  I still pretty much do randomness, but that’s ok.  For now.  Maybe I don’t want to necessarily specialize in something, but then again, maybe I do. Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons. Learn something new in the industry.  Not like you don’t learn something new nearly every day doing what I do, but I like to learn randomness everyday regardless.  One can never learn too much!  Life is full of so much information that it would be a shame to waste the opportunity.  

The mini me is doing extremely well.  She had her first winter guard competition a couple weekends ago, and they won first place!  So proud of her and all the girls!  They have their second one this weekend, and I am excited to see them in their costumes since they didn’t have them for the first one.   Should be pretty cool!  She also has a new boy interest in her life.  I continue to remind her that she has time, and that she still has to keep school and colorguard as her priorities.  She understands, but I also know that the closer they get the harder it is to keep your concentration.   She will learn.  Everyone does.  And let me tell you, the struggle is real!

Spring break is coming up next month, and I couldn’t be more excited!!! We are heading out to Angel Fire, NM for a few days!!!  It’s my man’s family’s annual vacation, and the mini and I get to go.  What’s even more exciting is that one of the mini’s best friends gets to come with us!!!!  That makes me super happy since she will be entertained and get to hang out with someone her own age.  That will make the whole trip so much better for her, plus I love hanging out with those two, and they are great at making me laugh.   Yay!!!!

Other than all that I am getting back into a gym routine after being lazy a couple months and being sick for one of those.  I didn’t really work out for a while there and enjoy far too much of the good the holidays offered.  But let me tell you, it was delicious and almost worth it!  Sadly I need to drop some weight again since I gained about 16 pounds.  Yeah. Yikes!!!!  So I am back at the attempting to eat healthy and work out at five a week.  Wish me luck!  

On that note, I am trying to keep my eyes open and not pass out.  So now I am going to pass out.  I hope you enjoyed the quick blurb about the happenings in my life.  I have a ton more to share, but it’ll have to wait until tomorrow or something.  Have a good night and sweet dreams.  Ciao!

-Bonnie ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

   
    

 

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Memories For Memorial Day And A Father’s Birthday…

Today is Memorial Day. It is a day to remember those who have given their lives for this country.  Those lives have given me the freedom to write this blog, and I can never thank them enough. Some of you know that I was in the Army.  I do not consider myself a veteran of any sort, as I took an option to get out early (personal circumstances at the time) with an honorable discharge.  I was in less than a year, and I miss it.  The best part was meeting some of the best people I know and have stayed connected with through the years.  We all live so far away from one another, but thanks to FB we have stayed connected.  I appreciate them more than they will ever know.  Thank you for your service.  

Today is also my father’s 60th birthday.  The older I get the more I realize I don’t know him.  It’s no one’s fault really.  We are just two completely different people.  We don’t talk.  We don’t hang out.  We awkwardly ask how the other is doing, both wanting to have a conversation, but those conversations just seem to resemble infomercials where we’re both trying to sell coins to one another, albeit shiny ones.  Most of the time I think it’s because I’m a girl.  Other times I think I’m not logical enough to talk to him about anything resembling logical intelligence.  Other times, I think we’re just both really bad at taking walls down that have no real reason to be up.  

Needless to say, my dad and I are not very close.  Rarely do I see the side of him that lights up with boyhood brightness.  When I do see it, it’s always with someone else.  Writing this is not easy, just so you know.  This post is not meant to show how terrible my dad is or how crappy his daughter is. It may be entirely my fault that he and I aren’t closer.  It’s even harder working in the same office building and hearing how he talks to everyone else with happiness in his voice.  Sometimes I get to hear him say hi to everyone and then he walks by me.  God forbid there be any showing of “favorites” in the workplace.  There isn’t any.  He asked me to lunch once.  Well, a lunch without an agenda attached.  It was awkward beyond belief.  Here I am in my thirties expecting some sort of lecture the entire time.  It never came.  Now that was strange.  What was even more disheartening was that when he asked me to lunch, my boss was just as shocked.  My boss has watched me grow up and has known my dad nearly my entire life.  He knows, unlike anyone else in the office, how close my dad and I are not.  

For my dad’s birthday, I bought him a journal, along with a couple of randoms; the traditional sudoku book (he loves sudoku puzzles), and a steam engine die sheet metal model he can put together (something I thought was pretty cool).  My dad is sooooooooooo not easy to buy for.  What do you get a person who has everything they need and buys whatever they want, and they only tell you they want socks?  So the only truly meaningful gift I got him was the journal.  He may never use it, and that is perfectly fine.  I would actually hope he’d at least use it in some random way like to start a fire in some strange act of survivalism. At least then I would know it had served a purpose other than to collect dust.  I wrote him a note in this one.  A tradition I enjoy doing when gifting books or journals.  I believe they always add more meaning to the gift.  I’m weird.  I know this, but it makes it more personal when you write down a tiny bit of your heart on paper.  The journal is for one thing, his memories.  I told him to write down anything he wanted to.  Memories of his childhood, my childhood, whatever he wanted.  As long as they were memories.  They could be happy or sad or whatever.  I figure since we don’t sit down and have heartfelt conversations, maybe I could get to know him this way.  It’s a thought, right?  So now we will just have to see if he does anything with it.  He’s a busy man, and his free time is usually filled with something, so adding something to a voluntary to-do list may be out of the question.  I don’t know.  

What I do know is time passes faster than we realize.  Faster than I realize.  I wish there were more times than the random holidays when family would get together and talk story.  We have moved so far beyond the days of sitting around fires and sharing stories and passing on tall tales and valiant battles. Although let me just put this out there, I am a horrible story teller!!!  Absolutely terrible!  I can write a story, but saying it out loud it becomes some garbled mess of words with no point.  What I think I am really trying to say through this post, is that I do not want to speak at the funeral of a man I do not know.  Time is only going to increase in speed, and there is only so much time to get to know anyone.  If I don’t get to know the man who helped bring me into this world (albeit accidentally), then I have no one to blame but myself. He has been a dutiful dad, and I miss the days when we would play a new Nintendo game or build a new Lego set.  Those days are gone.  Now I don’t know him at all.  No more train rides.  More more high railing.  No more jumping through inner tubes in the pool.  No more running through waves at the beach.  All those memories I have from so long ago.  All the memories that aren’t made due to not knowing how to make them anymore.  Time is fleeting, and memories fade…

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Birthday Dad

-Bonnie

   
 

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