Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part 2

Hmmmmmmm.  So I received some very good comments from friends about Part 1.  You guys truly make me think about things a bit more, and I LOVE getting feedback and/or encouragement!  It motivates me to write more often.  Whether or not you want to read this shit more often, well, I’m not holding a gun to your head. 

Anyway, so I need to stop trying to find this ideal I have in my head.  It does get a bit discouraging when hope begins to wane more and more each day, but it’ll happen. Right? Maybe?  One of these years?  So back to the title!

I tried to think about the times where I messed up in past relationships, and I figured out it was when I stopped being me.  I mean, some relationships ended due to the idiot I was with at the time, and I was a fool for even being with that person in the first place!  I have got to learn my lesson there and stop lowering my standards to the point of being blindly stupid!  Ugh!  So yeah.  I have a quick temper at times, but it dissipates just as quickly.  Sometimes the blood boils before the brain gets a proper second to actually think about what’s going on or being said.  I really do try to be open.  The biggest issue I have is saying what I feel.  This is hard.  I am much better at writing!  It gives me a chance to think before I spew out craziness!  But when you’re with someone who puts you down for saying how you feel, it just builds up more resistance about sharing those things.  So now I have a more difficult challenge for the future!  Oh joy!

Being a good wife to some people means taking care of your man.  Oh the feminists just got a bit warm with that one!  And it makes sense.  To a point!  There are limits.  Women are no longer stupid and popping out babies at home (ok, not ALL of them).  This has brought in a rather new side to the whole marriage thing.  I don’t expect a husband to take complete care of me.  I think it should be pretty split.  If I lose a job and need the support, there ya go!  And vice versa!  I feel that I should want to do those extra things wives should do.  It’s about respect and sharing and being grateful and not taking eachother for granted.  That’s hard.  It’s easy to get used to the other half doing things for you and not giving those actions a second thought.  I like feedback.  I like to hear and say thank you.  Not half-assed but genuine.  Why does this fade so easily?  Better yet, why do we let it fade in the first place?  

Ever since my little adventure begin last November, I have let go of a lot of the things in my life, such as stuff!  At times I feel like I should just sell everything in my storage unit. Other times I think of how much it would cost to replace all that crap!  Ugh!  I just don’t know.  So I guess any man in my future would have to be lower on the materialism scale.  I mean, I like nice things, don’t get me wrong, but it is all just stuff in the end.  Stuff!  Crap!  Randomness no one else will enjoy much of when I die!  It’s just the way it is.  

So where could this guy be?  I keep trying to define him a bit more each time, but he is really super awesome at playing hide and seek!  Seriously though. I’m cool with blind dates!  I’m down for a group, blind date!  Bring it!!!  I need to get out more anyway!!!  Hiking anyone?  Maybe some indoor rock climbing?  Rangers game?  Lez go!!!!  🙂

Hopefully this guy won’t mind when I blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m cleaning!  Hopefully he won’t mind too much when I drive fast.  The reason I don’t own anything sporty!  There is a frickin fly somewhere in this room that keeps buzzing me from time to time. It’s dark, and I can’t see it!  Stupid bug!!!!  Anyway, hopefully this guy would take the initiative and kill this bug for me!!!!!  Hopefully this guy thinks it’s cute when I walk through the flower section at the grocery store to smell everything.  Yes.  I do this!  Even when I am alone.  It makes me smile.  🙂

Perhaps I turn out to be an ok wife in the future.  I’ll always try to make him happy.  I will play Call of Duty of the XBox, just not ALL the time.  Sometimes I want to play Tomb Raider or Skyrim!  Yep!  My geek points went up for admitting that!  Yay!  I’ll cook if you wash the dishes, because that is my least favorite part about cooking.  I will not get upset if the food I cook is not very good, but he’d have to be honest about it.  There is nothing worse than someone lying to not hurt feelings all the while knowing they are setting up their doom down the line.  That crappy dish would be made again and again unless something is said about it.  I know I can be frustrating. I’m a girl. Alright, woman.  But that doesn’t mean hormones don’t take over from time to time, and I can cry when a sad commercial comes on or be easily aggravated for no reason. It happens.  Sometimes it can’t be helped, but I will always apologize when I know I’m in the wrong.  Guy has to love cats and dogs and horses and animals in general.  The kindness he shows to animals (and his mom and my daughter) says a lot more about character than most people realize.  The way he treats strangers is also a big character giveaway.  

I think I am putting too much thought into this dream guy, but I know the right one is out there.  Somewhere.  I will find this particular piece of cheese somewhere in this maze!  Maybe he’s a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack?  I can only hope!  So my conclusion from all this is that no, I won’t be a good wife.  I’ll be fucking awesome!  As awesome as possible. Damn bug again!!!!  Argh!!!!  I will be far from perfect, and I will always have emotional baggage, but I will try to dump as much of that crap as possible before meeting him.  As I’ve said before, I’m still working on me, but it can’t hurt to start looking now, right?  Well, I’m doing A LOT of looking. I can look dammit!!!  Doesn’t mean I’m making any moves.  Or eye contact.  :-/

So with that I am going to sleep.  It has been a busy week, and I am tired.  By the way, I got my new skates in today!!!!!  Gave them a 14 mile test skate, and I am absolutely in love with them!!!  😀 

Good night and happy dreams!!!!

-Bonnie

   

         

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Of Mice And Men And The Universe?

So this should be a quick post tonight.  I was messaging with a coworker today when an ex boyfriend of mine logged onto the Skype world.  He and I have always kept in touch, and I couldn’t be happier for him as he just recently remarried. He and his new wife just got back from an amazing vacation.  I mean, it looked pretty damn amazing from all the Facebook posts!  So of course I send him a hello and how are you.  I find out he just recently bought a lake house that he is fixing up and yadda yadda yadda.  Ok. I’m fucking thrilled for you dude!  Now this is where my mind started wandering…

So the wheels are turning.  You’ll get that in a second.  And I am totally going to copy and paste it here, because I’m lazy like that!  😛

why do I continue to be with losers when I have dated nice guys in the past?

[10:18:27 AM] Bonnie Campbell: like, seriously

[10:18:34 AM] Bonnie Campbell: what the F is wrong with me?

[10:18:48 AM] Bonnie Campbell: so then ugly girls get the geeky guys and they buy a lake house and go on vacations

[10:18:52 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and here I am homeless

[10:18:59 AM] Bonnie Campbell:  and yet somehow people envy my lifestyle

[10:19:06 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I don’f effing get it sometimes

[10:19:31 AM] Bonnie Campbell: this world makes absolutely no sense

[10:19:54 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I just don’t understand

[10:20:08 AM] José E: well see now you know you are not ugly

[10:20:19 AM] Bonnie Campbell: ok

[10:20:21 AM] Bonnie Campbell: so I am not ugly

[10:20:28 AM] Bonnie Campbell: doesn’t necessarily mean I think I am pretty

[10:20:36 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I am ok

[10:20:42 AM] José E: who knows, i don’t worry anymore

[10:20:44 AM] Bonnie Campbell: kind of

[10:20:53 AM] Bonnie Campbell: well, I don’t worry about it

[10:20:59 AM] Bonnie Campbell: but it’s still just like, WTF?

[10:21:12 AM] José E: i know

[10:21:13 AM] Bonnie Campbell: baffling

[10:21:43 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I know things happen for a reason, I mean, we somehow find a way to apply some meaning as to why something happened to make us feel better about it, but still

[10:22:03 AM] Bonnie Campbell: the universe is like a big experiment

[10:22:22 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and we are all just individual mice in a maze trying to find cheese

[10:22:30 AM] José E: we are the experiment not the universe

[10:22:40 AM] José E: yes

[10:22:57 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and some of us can smell it, but we can’t seem to locate it because our brains are wired differently and we just get confused and then we’re lost and running in circles because that’s at least something we can do

[10:23:18 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I think I just figured out the universe

[10:23:26 AM] Bonnie Campbell: using mice and cheese analogies

[10:23:31 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I should blog about this


So there you have it!!!!  Life is just one big experiment!!!  We all go searching for our cheese, no matter what that cheese symbolizes, and we are always searching.  Always!  We never seem to be satisfied, and I think that is just the hardest part of it all.  Being happy with who we are and what we have.  


I watched a movie a couple weeks ago, and a couple things really stuck with me. First off it was “Into The Wild.”  An amazing and depressing movie.  The main character reminded me of myself a bit, although I am not nearly as selfish as he was.  But when he finally gets to end of his journey he writes something down that continues to haunt me.  “Happines is only real when shared.”  I am at the point in my adventure where I am enjoying being alone, because it lets me discover myself more. This is also a bit frightening, because I don’t want to be alone forever.  I enjoy spending time with people.  I mean, people who are genuine and don’t drive me nuts, but you get what I’m saying.  So now I need to be concerned about too much alone time.  Damn this balance thing sometimes!!!!  It’s ok.  I’ll handle it.  I will continue to find my balance until I can find someone who’s worth being unbalanced for.  For now, it’s my time to find me and be a better person for my daughter and family and friends.  Oh to be a mouse!


Good night dear reader.  Sweet dreams and love and harmony and cheese.   🙂


-Bonnie

   

       

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