Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Be Like Sausage…

As I sit outside on my back porch, drinking my hot toddy while watching my fat cat attempt to catch the June bugs that are beginning to come out, I get to enjoy the warm evening air and the chance to think a bit. It’s true, what they say, life is a precious gift. It’s definitely not something I want to waste, but I also know I have spent many wasteful moments. I guess it’s part of the learning process, and you’re never done learning. I don’t want to be at the end of my days longing for all the wasted time. All those wasted hours that I could have been doing something more than what I did.

I love those infectious people with the unquenchable thirst for adventure and living. You know the ones. They always seem to have energy and go go go every day, and you wonder how they do it. I know I do! I wish I had that energy! That unfulfilled yearning to do everything possible! The want to constantly be on the move. Hell! Even the capability of being constantly on the move. How do they do it? They make it look so easy. So fluid. So natural. Like there’s no other way to be alive. I wish I had that passion and that drive and that ambition. How does one go about getting those things?

There are plenty of motivators out there in the world. There are people whose callings in life are helping others with finding theirs. There are places that inspire greatness. There are experiences that excite the soul to be more. To become more. And yet, how do we even run across these things? We’ll use me as an example. Here goes. So, I love to make people happy. I love seeing and being the cause for people to smile and laugh and for a second, forget whatever makes them unhappy. But that’s not my job. I don’t do that for a living. Part of what I enjoy about my job is that I get the opportunity to make the people I work with smile and laugh from time to time. But that can take work too. There are days when I am far far far, extremely fucking far from my usual, sunshiny self. There are days when I can’t even bring myself to smile, and those days make me feel even more terrible. Because, like I mentioned, I love making other people laugh and smile. And yes. I know I can’t be happy ALL the damn time, but it’s so defeating when I can’t even muster a smile for myself.

So how do these people do it? Are they just that good at hiding any emotion other than happiness? Are they seriously like this EVERY SINGLE DAY?! You hear that happiness is a choice. I mean, I’ve read it somewhere. It is. Definitely. But it’s a hard choice to make every day upon waking. There has to be a conscious effort, right? Sometimes the universe can throw some serious shit your way! Sometimes it feels impossible to be happy. But you know what? That’s ok. We don’t have to be happy ALL the fucking time. We are human. We can have bad days. It doesn’t make it any easier for those of us who would much rather be happy, but we are allowed to be imperfect and mopey and blah.

OK. I’ll stop there, because now it just sounds like I’m on some crazy, emotional rant about being human. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m tired of having to work at being happy. It’s not that I’m unhappy. I truly am happy! Just some days are so much easier than others. And there’s got to be a secret. Those go go go people have to have something figured out, and I just wish I knew what it was. Sometimes I wish I was like my cat Sausage. She’s a cat. I know. But I could learn a couple things from her. She’s fat and yet still active, and she couldn’t care less that she’s a tad grande. She lets her true intelligence shine through, and she may poop on the floor, but does she care what I think? Nope. Sausage does NOT care about the opinions of others! She definitely enjoys her cat food, but she will only eat solid white albacore tuna as a treat! So she obviously eats fine and indulges from time to time. I think I have that one down! Yay! Let’s see, what else. She sticks close to her family and does her best to “protect” us when an unknown comes to the door. By protect I mean she growls. Like actually growls. That is the extent of her guardcat status though. Because she runs away as soon as she sees the unknown. At least she lets me know when someone is walking up to the door. I mean, that’s pretty cool. She proves her loyalty and love to me every day. She may not cuddle with me, but she’s always there. She waits for me outside the shower. She lays at my feet at night. She lays at my feet on the couch. She hangs out near the kitchen when I cook. I mean. Such a simple life. Not a worry in the world! Well, ok. One worry. If the food bowl shows any sign of bowl at the bottom it’s panic mode time.

But seriously. I should be more like Sausage. Why worry about what others think? Why worry about anything more than if I have food and water and love? Basic necessities for all creatures. We humans just found ways to make it more and more complicated. I need to be more grateful for the things I have. For the limited time I have. For moments I shouldn’t have to worry about wasting, because they weren’t wasted. For the rare love that happens in life as a second chance. For the smiles I see on other people’s faces and the ones out in mine. Maybe that’s the secret. Until I know for sure I’ll just have to see what happens next and not waste my time. Until next time! 😉

-Bonnie 💙

Sausage. Be like her. 😊

She’s squishy!

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Next Time Wind!!!

I love drinking and writing or writing and drinking or whatever. Somehow the creative juices about nothing start flowing, and the magic that has me extra talkative after a couple drinks makes my writing a little “loose-lipped”. So much randomness happens in life, and it’s easy to overlook some of the things that make life laughable at times. Such as me wearing dresses…

Those who know me know I am a fan of shorts (and pants), and that I see dresses and skirts as impractical. Because I mean, seriously, if you wear dental floss undergarments (like me), dresses flying up in the air in the breeze are NOT a good thing! Besides, what’s the point of wearing a skirt/dress if you’re practically wearing shorts already? Maybe it’s just me. Nah! I know I’m not alone on this one! But anyway, last week was a very special occasion. I wore a dress! I know!!! There’s no photographic evidence of this, so it’s hard to believe it’s true. I totally get it. But it DID happen! All fucking day I had to grab my dress, because anyone who has experienced Texas winds knows how relentless they can be. And you know what? Those winds don’t stop until they win. They won. Gotta give the wind credit. Wind=jerk. J-E-R-K! So it kept blowing, and I kept holding my dress down. I would bunch it around me, giving the wind my strongest finger, and I would win another battle. It wasn’t until the end of the evening I had to stop and get some gas. I swear I parked in some sort of wind tunnel, because there was a sudden gust and SWOOSH!!!! There goes my GD dress! Straight up!! My bare ass was visible to the world! So I backed myself up to my car as fast as I could, only able to hold the front down. My bare cheeks pressed against the side of my car, praying no one has seen me in this predicament. It wouldn’t stop! The wind was going to win the war! In what seemed like an eternity I had gathered my dress enough to pull it down to cover my ass. It was a miracle!!! I don’t think anyone saw me, but what an experience that was! Thank you, Universe, for reminding me why I don’t wear skirts/dresses. Ever. So awesome!

So there’s a fun bare-butt-cheeks-in-the-wind story! Hahahahaha!!!! Hope you enjoyed this quickie! I’ll write again soon!!!!!

-Bonnie 💙💙💙💙

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Let Me (Re)Introduce Myself…

Hi!

My name is Bonnie. I am a lover of the ocean, the mountains, the desserts, the forests, the grasslands, you name it! I am a bit of a sun whore who will probably end up dying from it (I know, terrible). I love food! I love cooking food! I love eating food! I love reading and writing and painting and speed skating and stand up paddling and climbing and hiking and drinking and challenges and cryptograms and making people smile and my daughter and my mom and family and friends who are family and friends who are friends. I realized this list could go on for far too long, so I’ll just stop there. But I’m pretty sure you get the idea. I do and love and enjoy a lot of things in life!

I am a believer in balance. I don’t necessarily follow any religions, but I do have my beliefs. I was raised Christian, and grew up going to small (like seriously teeny tiny) Christian schools until high school. Lemme tell ya! That was a shock to the system! I had never seen a locker before! No joke! My classes had maybe up to 21 people in them. Then I go to a school where I have to change rooms, and there are 300+ fellow classmates. It was strange not knowing everyone in my class or classes or anything. This was the end of my innocence for sure!!!

So, graduated high school with honors. Failed at my first attempt at college. Joined the Army. Got out of that early (story for another time). Married. Child. Divorced. Single mom. School from time to time. Married. Moved to Hawaii. Moved back to Texas. Divorced. Single mom. Child moved in with her dad. Alone. Stupid boyfriends. Lived in car. Lost friends. Moved into apartment. Really stupid boyfriend. Child moves back in. No more stupid boyfriend. Finally earned my AAS degree! Moved with child. Single mom again. Awesome boyfriend who was my first love from high school!!! Not joking!!! Thought he was dead honestly. 20 year HS reunion had me Google his name. There he was. Messaged him on FB. He messaged back. C’est la vie! Due to his request for privacy, I won’t be writing much directly about him. That’s about all you’re getting for now. 😉

Life is crazy for sure!!!!!

So, hi everyone! Even people who know me probably don’t know all of that, and it’s fun to share my randomness. I think that’s part of being human, passing down stories in general. Not that knowing more about me will do your life really any good, but it’ll help give you a base for any of my future posts. I had mentioned I believe in balance. That is a very huge part of who I am. Future posts will probably involve the misadventures of me trying to find my balance. I will do my best not to bore you, and fair warning: I have a crude sense of humor, and I swear a lot at times (especially if I’ve had a couple of adult beverages before I decide to write, or during, whatever), and I just want to make sure you know that before you get sucked in.

With that, I will try to get on here and write more often. This will be a sort of therapy for me like journaling. I may be brutally honest in some posts. Others might be pretty meh. The future holds so much adventure that I can’t wait to share with you!!!! Let’s see where we go!

-Bonnie 💙

That is my mini me. Life would be boring without her!!!! Love my amazing Angel Pie!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Yes. I do realize that is missing an “a”.

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Isn’t It Funny…

…where life takes you? It’s always a journey you never expected. You’re supposed to learn from your experiences and grow and become better, right? When sometimes it just becomes this overwhelming mass of crap that hits you all at once. Someone can ask just the right question, and it stays in the back of your mind to ponder a day later. Then that breeds more questions. Then you start thinking about why you did certain things. Then you wonder what you did with your life. Seriously! What the hell have I been doing with myself? Twenty years! It took me TWENTY YEARS to get a TWO YEAR degree!!! HA!!! Pathetic!

I bring this up, because I was asked if there was a degree that I wanted, that if I could have any four year degree, what would it be. I could only come up with something stupid and boring and pointless. An art degree? So I could actually learn how to paint? For what?!

So that got me thinking. What am I doing? I love making people happy. I love seeing people smile. I enjoy listening to others offload, lighten the weight on their shoulders. I like to mediate. I like to bring peace to people’s hearts. So where do I begin? Would another piece of paper declare to others that I officially know how to make people smile?

But this is what I seem to be exceptionally good at: asking questions of myself. I never seem to be able to answer them, just open more windows. Nothing like opening doors for myself. Just windows. An opening big enough for me to peer through but not walk through.

So I’m left with another question to myself. What do I do now?

And I don’t need anyone’s thoughts on this. I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head, because I know I’m not the only one who would read this and understand it completely. This blog was once a way to communicate to a very small group of people about the time I lived in my car. It has evolved over the past few years into a journal of sorts. It’s a way for me to get some of these thought clusters out of my damn head. Thank you for allowing me to put them into yours!

-Bonnie

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Crazy!!!

That!  Right there!  Explains life!  Does it not?  Is life just not absolutely crazy?!  I mean, it can be crazy good or crazy bad or just absolutely, batshit insane.  It’s all the same anyway.  We even start off in a crazy way.  We came out of our moms, and look at what we are now.  No way we can ever go back.  It’s far, far too late for that.  

Then we learn how to walk and talk and hold a cup without spilling it (only because they’re spill proof, which we need more of in the adult stage) and feed ourselves with a stick with even smaller sticks at the end of it (or seriously two sticks), and we just keep learning all these crazy things.  For example, there were dinosaurs.  There were large, reptilian creatures, that would eat us, and thankfully they died, because nowadays, I wouldn’t even want to go up against a Komodo dragon.  Saliva that will slowly bring your body functions to a halt so it can start eating you?  Oh hell no!  Craziness!!!!  

After we learn about dinosaurs and how to add and subtract and successfully complete long division (math=crazy, logical language), there’s calculus and gravitational pulls and chemical explosions and antimatter.  OK. That shit right there is crazy enough.  Black holes=crazy.  Women=crazy.  Men=oh yeah!  They’re crazy too!  We are all crazy to some extent of the word.  This is something I tell guy friends when they have lady issues: every woman is crazy, but not every woman is nice.  It works the same way with men.  We are all wired differently.  Hormones make us crazy.  Household chores make us crazy.  Getting up every single day to do the same damn thing makes us crazy.  Changing plans makes us crazy.  Other people make us crazy!!!!!!!  

So how do we dig our way out of the craziness???  Do I have the answer?  Probably not, and no.  This isn’t an infomercial or ploy to get you to click somewhere to buy some magical pill.  If there was a magical pill to make life all unicorns, rainbows and glitter, you bet your ass I’d be buying it.  And who wouldn’t?  Who wouldn’t want a life like that?  Ah. Now that is the ultimate question.  There are a lot of people who wouldn’t want a magic pill of fabulous living.  And to be honest, I really wouldn’t want it either, but it sounds pretty damn fantastical.  And besides, I can go get a beer on an empty stomach for a quick bout of euphoria.  As long as I don’t eat or drink too many more of those tasty beverages, I can stay in that state for a nice while.  😉

You want to know who these people are?  The ones who would rather feel all the crap life can throw at you instead of only feeling the good?  I swear, they’re not unicorns.   In fact you might be one of them. Yes!  You!  Maybe you know how awesome you are.  Maybe you haven’t been through anything hard enough to make you rethink those magic pills. Perhaps you have been through all those struggles, and they helped you realize that without them, you couldn’t fully appreciate the good that life has to offer.  That’s the kicker.  That’s life’s ultimate mind fuck right there!  You can’t fully appreciate or understand all the good things until you have experienced and learned from the bad.  

Here’s my theory.  You ready?  I think life is all about balance.  Tes.  I have mentioned this in a previous post. There is good and evil all over the world.  Now, nature wouldn’t classify it.  Nature is indifferent and doesn’t give a shit about good or bad.  Do you understand that?  Indifference.  This planet can kill us in an instant, and yet we still believe we have the power to stop whatever it throws our way.  In the balance of nature, you survive and keep going.  If something bad happens, well, guess you just got too close to that gator’s mouth or that volcano just felt like exploding in the middle night with an ash cloud that suffocated everything within a mile of it. Hey!  It’s life!  But back to my point, we humans think we are all sorts of better than Mother Nature.  We have defined the harsh side of nature as bad or evil, and the surviving part we call good.  It’s balance.  Global warming?  We may kill off half the animals of the world, but nature will adapt and evolve. Crazy, right?  I ask that, because most likely we’d be dead.  

That is exactly what we need to do in life though. Adapt and evolve.  Physically and mentally we can do this.  We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for (NOT stronger than Mother Nature).  We don’t need a magic pill to make us believe everything will be ok.  Everything WILL be ok.  We can change ourselves physically in nearly every way we can imagine.  Sadly we cannot have genetically altered dolphin tails created for us so we can become mermaids.  This does sadden me a bit.  We can change ourselves mentally as well!  Crazy!!!!!!!

Why do I believe everything will be OK?  Even when I have hit rock bottom time and time again?  Believe me, I’ve been down there with the catfish on multiple occasions, and maybe that’s why I don’t eat them.  Hmmmmm.   Anyway, I have learned through enough life experiences that life is the ultimate teacher.  Divorce, death, being broke, sick, starting over, lost, depressed, confused, tired, angry, and that’s just the bad stuff.  Those things all helped me realize that the good things I have experienced are quite amazing!  Marriage, love, children (even though sometimes you want to put this on the bad list), happiness, helping others, surviving with a smile, and did I mention love?   Love is one of the most powerful weapons in your daily living arsenal.  It should be used every day!   Learn to love the little things in life that make you smile.  Yes. I understand this can be very difficult in some situations, like Christmas shopping at the mall, spoiled brats in line at the check out, drivers that can’t seem to stay in their designated, clearly marked lanes, losing a limb or normal body function (keep away from the Komodos). Yep.  I get it.  But.  But!  Those are the things that help keep you away from the magic pills.  The small things.  The small miracles you easily overlook while surviving. 

When life decides to be an asshole, deal with it as you must.  Cry.  Scream.  Yell.  Throw something.  Write a nasty letter. Feel the pain.  Feel the hurt.  Feel the knife in your heart or in your back.  Then, when you’re ready, reflect on it.  Why did it happen?  The real reason!  Don’t sugarcoat it.  Feel the rawness of the situation and then draw upon that to learn your lesson.  You have to learn it in order to adapt and evolve.  When you can clearly see the cause of the pain and begin to understand it, that is when a lesson is learned.  Once learned, be sure it is applied.  Once applied, you can start seeing your own rainbows.  Life can become more sparkly.   You might even see a unicorn.  Might.  Key word there.  Otherwise other people might believe you truly are crazy.  

It’s all about finding your balance.  Learning lessons from your past can make your future even better.  Appreciate those little things.  Appreciate the bad things, because they made you who you have become.  Live today with everything you got.  Live in the now.  You never know when everything and everyone around will be gone for good.  Let things be.  Stop worrying.  Enjoy this minute.  And the next minute.  And the next. Crazy, right?

-Bonnie

Of course I have to add some randomness!!!  Enjoy these little things!!


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I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part 2

Hmmmmmmm.  So I received some very good comments from friends about Part 1.  You guys truly make me think about things a bit more, and I LOVE getting feedback and/or encouragement!  It motivates me to write more often.  Whether or not you want to read this shit more often, well, I’m not holding a gun to your head. 

Anyway, so I need to stop trying to find this ideal I have in my head.  It does get a bit discouraging when hope begins to wane more and more each day, but it’ll happen. Right? Maybe?  One of these years?  So back to the title!

I tried to think about the times where I messed up in past relationships, and I figured out it was when I stopped being me.  I mean, some relationships ended due to the idiot I was with at the time, and I was a fool for even being with that person in the first place!  I have got to learn my lesson there and stop lowering my standards to the point of being blindly stupid!  Ugh!  So yeah.  I have a quick temper at times, but it dissipates just as quickly.  Sometimes the blood boils before the brain gets a proper second to actually think about what’s going on or being said.  I really do try to be open.  The biggest issue I have is saying what I feel.  This is hard.  I am much better at writing!  It gives me a chance to think before I spew out craziness!  But when you’re with someone who puts you down for saying how you feel, it just builds up more resistance about sharing those things.  So now I have a more difficult challenge for the future!  Oh joy!

Being a good wife to some people means taking care of your man.  Oh the feminists just got a bit warm with that one!  And it makes sense.  To a point!  There are limits.  Women are no longer stupid and popping out babies at home (ok, not ALL of them).  This has brought in a rather new side to the whole marriage thing.  I don’t expect a husband to take complete care of me.  I think it should be pretty split.  If I lose a job and need the support, there ya go!  And vice versa!  I feel that I should want to do those extra things wives should do.  It’s about respect and sharing and being grateful and not taking eachother for granted.  That’s hard.  It’s easy to get used to the other half doing things for you and not giving those actions a second thought.  I like feedback.  I like to hear and say thank you.  Not half-assed but genuine.  Why does this fade so easily?  Better yet, why do we let it fade in the first place?  

Ever since my little adventure begin last November, I have let go of a lot of the things in my life, such as stuff!  At times I feel like I should just sell everything in my storage unit. Other times I think of how much it would cost to replace all that crap!  Ugh!  I just don’t know.  So I guess any man in my future would have to be lower on the materialism scale.  I mean, I like nice things, don’t get me wrong, but it is all just stuff in the end.  Stuff!  Crap!  Randomness no one else will enjoy much of when I die!  It’s just the way it is.  

So where could this guy be?  I keep trying to define him a bit more each time, but he is really super awesome at playing hide and seek!  Seriously though. I’m cool with blind dates!  I’m down for a group, blind date!  Bring it!!!  I need to get out more anyway!!!  Hiking anyone?  Maybe some indoor rock climbing?  Rangers game?  Lez go!!!!  🙂

Hopefully this guy won’t mind when I blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m cleaning!  Hopefully he won’t mind too much when I drive fast.  The reason I don’t own anything sporty!  There is a frickin fly somewhere in this room that keeps buzzing me from time to time. It’s dark, and I can’t see it!  Stupid bug!!!!  Anyway, hopefully this guy would take the initiative and kill this bug for me!!!!!  Hopefully this guy thinks it’s cute when I walk through the flower section at the grocery store to smell everything.  Yes.  I do this!  Even when I am alone.  It makes me smile.  🙂

Perhaps I turn out to be an ok wife in the future.  I’ll always try to make him happy.  I will play Call of Duty of the XBox, just not ALL the time.  Sometimes I want to play Tomb Raider or Skyrim!  Yep!  My geek points went up for admitting that!  Yay!  I’ll cook if you wash the dishes, because that is my least favorite part about cooking.  I will not get upset if the food I cook is not very good, but he’d have to be honest about it.  There is nothing worse than someone lying to not hurt feelings all the while knowing they are setting up their doom down the line.  That crappy dish would be made again and again unless something is said about it.  I know I can be frustrating. I’m a girl. Alright, woman.  But that doesn’t mean hormones don’t take over from time to time, and I can cry when a sad commercial comes on or be easily aggravated for no reason. It happens.  Sometimes it can’t be helped, but I will always apologize when I know I’m in the wrong.  Guy has to love cats and dogs and horses and animals in general.  The kindness he shows to animals (and his mom and my daughter) says a lot more about character than most people realize.  The way he treats strangers is also a big character giveaway.  

I think I am putting too much thought into this dream guy, but I know the right one is out there.  Somewhere.  I will find this particular piece of cheese somewhere in this maze!  Maybe he’s a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack?  I can only hope!  So my conclusion from all this is that no, I won’t be a good wife.  I’ll be fucking awesome!  As awesome as possible. Damn bug again!!!!  Argh!!!!  I will be far from perfect, and I will always have emotional baggage, but I will try to dump as much of that crap as possible before meeting him.  As I’ve said before, I’m still working on me, but it can’t hurt to start looking now, right?  Well, I’m doing A LOT of looking. I can look dammit!!!  Doesn’t mean I’m making any moves.  Or eye contact.  :-/

So with that I am going to sleep.  It has been a busy week, and I am tired.  By the way, I got my new skates in today!!!!!  Gave them a 14 mile test skate, and I am absolutely in love with them!!!  😀 

Good night and happy dreams!!!!

-Bonnie

   

         

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