Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Catcher of Rainbows…

I am not a writer.

I am not a painter.

I am not a poet.

I am not an electrician.

I am not a homemaker.

I am not religious.

So what the fuck am I? Besides annoying and sarcastic and hilarious? Probably the only thing I excel at being: a Jack of all trades. I would say Jill, but then people look at me all cockeyed, so it’s just easier being a Jack. Master? Nope! Expert? Absolutely not! Genius? Hahaha! No! Scholar?Most definitely nope! So what am I besides being subpar or good enough to do as many things as I possibly can?

Scatterbrained. Absolutely all over the place. You thought I’d use a better term, right? Believe me, I thought maybe philomath would be a good one to use as an all encompassing umbrella term, but when it is synonymous with scholar and genius, I have to say it’s a hard nope. If you’ve never heard of a philomath before, it’s worth the lookup. In a way it does describe me. You just have to knock its seriousness down about ten rungs to that whole Jack/Jill level. Nothings against the Jacks and Jills of the world, because we keep this world moving.

Wanting to learn everything I possibly can comes with a price. I have learned (yeah, ba da dum, tsss) as I’ve gotten older that my brain does not like to shut off. It has its moments of pure, determined focus, but more often than not, it is attempting to catch rainbows. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I have so many ideas that I can’t seem to recall 90% of them. If I don’t associate your name with something immediately, I will forget it within two minutes of hearing it. If I sit down at a restaurant, and there’s no conversation, I will read everything in range, at least five times, and I will still have to reread the menu to figure out what I want to eat. It is a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse, but it has given me a divine sense of humor that can come out as mean if I don’t watch myself. Which is also odd, because I am actually a nice person. Annoying, yes! Mean, no! But I can be, so don’t be a dick!

I have learned to write everything down so I don’t forget. I also have to remind myself to remember to write it down, because I will forget to do that too. There are so many things I still want to do, see, and experience in my life, that I no longer have a bucket list. I have a CVS receipt over a mile long. In fact, it’s probably hit the two mile mark at this point, but honestly, I don’t remember where it left off. Obviously the list gets longer each year, because I find myself doing things that aren’t even on my list to begin with. Then I add more to that list that I may or may not get to this year. Or next year. Or ever. Eek!

The desire to learn is strong. I do consider myself pretty damn good at figuring things out. I can Google like a champ, and if I can’t find it on the internet, it most likely doesn’t exist. So there’s that. I love puzzles, cryptograms, word searches, and other random, mind-engaging activities. No. I do not like crosswords, chess, or algebraic equations that use Greek alphanumeric characters that have an assigned, mathematical value. Hell nope! When puzzles are associated with math, like the Rubik’s Cube, I’m out. I can add, multiply, figure out angles, and solve for x. Calculators are my friends. Again. Google is my friend. I can get a max of two sides of that damn cube. So I gotta admit that performing at 33.3…% efficiency is sad. Like, really sad.

And yet I must learn more!

But I never seem to want to learn everything about one thing. I just want to learn something about everything. So that whole curse thing happens here: I learn enough to do whatever task is at hand, and then the desire to learn more vanishes once that particular task is complete. I have a minimum of twenty started projects going at the same time, but two new ones are added each time I complete one. I still owe (not really owe, I enjoy giving a lot) multiple Christmas gifts that I am still in the process of making. I put my heart into everything I do and make, and yet my brain likes to travel elsewhere. It is stressful, exhausting, and it takes its toll on my current, physical and mental state. I get tension headaches nearly every day now, and if I don’t get those under control, they evolve into migraines. Those bad boys like to linger a good three days. I want to get so many things done every day that I don’t seem to have time to finish them. That is, if I even find the time to begin.

Everything is fleeting. My writing comes in waves. My desire to paint is like a storm blowing through. I waste time doing absolutely, nothing worthy of said time. When my body wants nothing more than to sleep, because my eyeballs literally hurt, my brain has other plans. Yay! Puzzles!!! That inspiration to get things done, seems to sputter out midway through just writing out my to-do list. I am a mess.

So why am I writing now? Why am I sharing my nightmare of a mental state with you? Why am I sharing with you the things I enjoy starting and never finishing? Yeah. I don’t know either. Maybe it just helps me organize my thoughts a bit. Maybe I have some deep, philosophical urge to let others know they’re not the only crazy people out there. You are not alone. We are not alone. Know why? Because we are all fucking crazy. Seriously. The quicker you learn that the easier life becomes, because no one thinks the exact same way you or I do. At least we are unique in some way. Ok. Not really. We just like to believe that lie we tell ourselves. We are sooooooooo not unique, and the universe is completely indifferent to our measly, blip of an existence. Even knowing all of that, I still want to learn more. Yes. I’m crazy. But at least I admit it.

Keep doing your crazy. I’ll keep doing mine.

Just don’t be a dick about it.

-Bonnie

Yeah. I can write poetry to scare people, and paint one hell of a bear. I can make a grilled cheese that’ll give you a heart attack ten years down the road (I’m trying to shorten that to five by adding even more butter. I think it’s working), and I can organize like a motha fuckah! I can lay waste to a bag of Dove silky, milk chocolates, and I can get my cat Sausage to “do the thing” which involves getting her to rear up on her stocky little ham hock back legs to get more scratches. Yeah. She’s a special one with her own IG account @catsausage. I can also continue writing random shit about myself, because your level of crazy wants to keep reading it. Sucker! I kid! I appreciate you reading my randomness. I really do. I think it’s fun sharing my weirdness, because you can maybe relate to a fraction of it. If not, I at least hope it was entertaining. Go check out my cat’s page. You know you want to. Just do it. Yes. I am pushing my cat now. You’re welcome. 😉

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Nine Lives…

Part I

I’m going to tell you a story
A man lost
He was down he was lonely
No matter how hard he tried
And he tried every Friday night
It seemed love would always evade him
One night he was down
With no friends to be found
He decided to venture out on his own
That night he saw her
Couldn’t keep his eyes off her
And convinced her to follow him home
For years he kept trying
But she’d always end up crying
He tried over and over again
To bring back her smile
It had been gone quite a while
He was hoping this wasn’t the end
But she always seemed sad
And he always seemed mad
They were like oil and water
The flames would rise higher
Burning raging fires
Until one night he raised his hand
But he didn’t do it
Too late (and he knew it)
The damage had already been done
And that sadness inside her
Rose up through that fire
It took aim and swung
It was a shock they’d admit
How could either do this
Escalating anger ever higher
She was no longer the woman
He had so long adored
She was an animal
The likes he’d never seen before
He took a step back
Ego attacked
It was karma he thought for sure
The sting on his face
As she departed his place
He knew she’d come back to no more
Once a place full of laughter
That long ago happily ever after
Was now a nightmare behind a closed door
The hours turned to days
He was lost in a haze
How could everything go so wrong
It was just he and himself
He didn’t crave anyone else
His sanity fell away to the floor
How could love do this
He wasn’t abusive
That woman was stupid as fuck
He was a prize
God’s greatest gift
Only one woman could have such luck
To be with a man
Of such class and fine taste
She had been spoiled he thought for sure
But if she wouldn’t be with him
No one else would either
He grabbed his jacket to hunt down that whore

-Bonnie

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Crazy!!!

That!  Right there!  Explains life!  Does it not?  Is life just not absolutely crazy?!  I mean, it can be crazy good or crazy bad or just absolutely, batshit insane.  It’s all the same anyway.  We even start off in a crazy way.  We came out of our moms, and look at what we are now.  No way we can ever go back.  It’s far, far too late for that.  

Then we learn how to walk and talk and hold a cup without spilling it (only because they’re spill proof, which we need more of in the adult stage) and feed ourselves with a stick with even smaller sticks at the end of it (or seriously two sticks), and we just keep learning all these crazy things.  For example, there were dinosaurs.  There were large, reptilian creatures, that would eat us, and thankfully they died, because nowadays, I wouldn’t even want to go up against a Komodo dragon.  Saliva that will slowly bring your body functions to a halt so it can start eating you?  Oh hell no!  Craziness!!!!  

After we learn about dinosaurs and how to add and subtract and successfully complete long division (math=crazy, logical language), there’s calculus and gravitational pulls and chemical explosions and antimatter.  OK. That shit right there is crazy enough.  Black holes=crazy.  Women=crazy.  Men=oh yeah!  They’re crazy too!  We are all crazy to some extent of the word.  This is something I tell guy friends when they have lady issues: every woman is crazy, but not every woman is nice.  It works the same way with men.  We are all wired differently.  Hormones make us crazy.  Household chores make us crazy.  Getting up every single day to do the same damn thing makes us crazy.  Changing plans makes us crazy.  Other people make us crazy!!!!!!!  

So how do we dig our way out of the craziness???  Do I have the answer?  Probably not, and no.  This isn’t an infomercial or ploy to get you to click somewhere to buy some magical pill.  If there was a magical pill to make life all unicorns, rainbows and glitter, you bet your ass I’d be buying it.  And who wouldn’t?  Who wouldn’t want a life like that?  Ah. Now that is the ultimate question.  There are a lot of people who wouldn’t want a magic pill of fabulous living.  And to be honest, I really wouldn’t want it either, but it sounds pretty damn fantastical.  And besides, I can go get a beer on an empty stomach for a quick bout of euphoria.  As long as I don’t eat or drink too many more of those tasty beverages, I can stay in that state for a nice while.  😉

You want to know who these people are?  The ones who would rather feel all the crap life can throw at you instead of only feeling the good?  I swear, they’re not unicorns.   In fact you might be one of them. Yes!  You!  Maybe you know how awesome you are.  Maybe you haven’t been through anything hard enough to make you rethink those magic pills. Perhaps you have been through all those struggles, and they helped you realize that without them, you couldn’t fully appreciate the good that life has to offer.  That’s the kicker.  That’s life’s ultimate mind fuck right there!  You can’t fully appreciate or understand all the good things until you have experienced and learned from the bad.  

Here’s my theory.  You ready?  I think life is all about balance.  Tes.  I have mentioned this in a previous post. There is good and evil all over the world.  Now, nature wouldn’t classify it.  Nature is indifferent and doesn’t give a shit about good or bad.  Do you understand that?  Indifference.  This planet can kill us in an instant, and yet we still believe we have the power to stop whatever it throws our way.  In the balance of nature, you survive and keep going.  If something bad happens, well, guess you just got too close to that gator’s mouth or that volcano just felt like exploding in the middle night with an ash cloud that suffocated everything within a mile of it. Hey!  It’s life!  But back to my point, we humans think we are all sorts of better than Mother Nature.  We have defined the harsh side of nature as bad or evil, and the surviving part we call good.  It’s balance.  Global warming?  We may kill off half the animals of the world, but nature will adapt and evolve. Crazy, right?  I ask that, because most likely we’d be dead.  

That is exactly what we need to do in life though. Adapt and evolve.  Physically and mentally we can do this.  We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for (NOT stronger than Mother Nature).  We don’t need a magic pill to make us believe everything will be ok.  Everything WILL be ok.  We can change ourselves physically in nearly every way we can imagine.  Sadly we cannot have genetically altered dolphin tails created for us so we can become mermaids.  This does sadden me a bit.  We can change ourselves mentally as well!  Crazy!!!!!!!

Why do I believe everything will be OK?  Even when I have hit rock bottom time and time again?  Believe me, I’ve been down there with the catfish on multiple occasions, and maybe that’s why I don’t eat them.  Hmmmmm.   Anyway, I have learned through enough life experiences that life is the ultimate teacher.  Divorce, death, being broke, sick, starting over, lost, depressed, confused, tired, angry, and that’s just the bad stuff.  Those things all helped me realize that the good things I have experienced are quite amazing!  Marriage, love, children (even though sometimes you want to put this on the bad list), happiness, helping others, surviving with a smile, and did I mention love?   Love is one of the most powerful weapons in your daily living arsenal.  It should be used every day!   Learn to love the little things in life that make you smile.  Yes. I understand this can be very difficult in some situations, like Christmas shopping at the mall, spoiled brats in line at the check out, drivers that can’t seem to stay in their designated, clearly marked lanes, losing a limb or normal body function (keep away from the Komodos). Yep.  I get it.  But.  But!  Those are the things that help keep you away from the magic pills.  The small things.  The small miracles you easily overlook while surviving. 

When life decides to be an asshole, deal with it as you must.  Cry.  Scream.  Yell.  Throw something.  Write a nasty letter. Feel the pain.  Feel the hurt.  Feel the knife in your heart or in your back.  Then, when you’re ready, reflect on it.  Why did it happen?  The real reason!  Don’t sugarcoat it.  Feel the rawness of the situation and then draw upon that to learn your lesson.  You have to learn it in order to adapt and evolve.  When you can clearly see the cause of the pain and begin to understand it, that is when a lesson is learned.  Once learned, be sure it is applied.  Once applied, you can start seeing your own rainbows.  Life can become more sparkly.   You might even see a unicorn.  Might.  Key word there.  Otherwise other people might believe you truly are crazy.  

It’s all about finding your balance.  Learning lessons from your past can make your future even better.  Appreciate those little things.  Appreciate the bad things, because they made you who you have become.  Live today with everything you got.  Live in the now.  You never know when everything and everyone around will be gone for good.  Let things be.  Stop worrying.  Enjoy this minute.  And the next minute.  And the next. Crazy, right?

-Bonnie

Of course I have to add some randomness!!!  Enjoy these little things!!


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