Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

The Dumbest F*cking Person On The Planet…

…was one of my favorites, and I had started to believe it was true even though I knew, deep within the darkest depths of my soul, it was as far from the truth as one could get.

So what would make me even remotely believe that I was stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, frumpy, you name it (those are just the g-rated ones), over beautiful, intelligent, sexy, amazing, talented, and worth someone’s love? After some self-analysis over the past few months, my eyes opened more and more as I was able to answer that question honestly: me. I’m not at all saying everything was my fault, although that had been the stance I had adopted nearly two years ago, but I am just as much to blame as the person who gave me the poisonous words that I’d ingest willingly over and over again. Rather than building a tolerance, I mentally and emotionally cracked until I was so broken, I couldn’t see past the pieces scattered on the floor, creating a circular void in the center where I once stood. For every compliment there was a polar opposite, and the bad far outweighed the good to the point where my brain refused to believe the compliments held any truth whatsoever.

But here’s the kicker: I allowed it, and I had become someone else. Someone who cowered. Someone who triple guessed every decision. Someone who lived with an anxiety that was never there before. Someone I hated. Someone who wasn’t worth a damn thing. Someone who didn’t deserve to waste the precious ozone we all depend on. Someone who thought that changing who they were in order to make someone else happy would actually work. I mean, who would think that altering one’s behavior in order to please someone else would completely backfire? When the things someone loved about you had become annoying and irritating, you assume that action or behavior should be altered so they’re no longer annoying, right? Right??? Those small acts of love, like kissing someone goodbye as they slept when you were leaving for work or calling just to say hi, became sudden outbursts of anger. So those small gestures disappeared one by one as they only garnered a negative and frightening response. The anger turned into yelling. The yelling turned into some of the harshest things you could hear from someone who was supposed to be your life partner. This was the man I was determined to spend the rest of my life with, and I was determined to a fault. We both were. My tunnel vision hid the truth: that I had changed.

Not that there’s anything wrong with change! We change and adapt and grow as we continue our journey through life. But this wasn’t growth. It was adaptation to survive. It was an alteration made to what made me me, and what someone had loved about me, and I was no longer a priority. My schedule was planned around his. Normal things I had been doing for years now seemed to be in the way of what he wanted and what was expected. My gym schedule had to be altered so I would be home immediately after work to start fixing dinner, and soon my gym time disappeared altogether as work became a priority over my health. Hair appointments had to be scheduled by 2pm to meet the same mandate. The same went with doctors appointments. Meeting my girlfriends once or twice a month to grab some food and margaritas happened less and less, until I would make excuses in order to not go at all. Seeing friends and family became a rare occurrence, as they kept me away from the person who wanted my time, and in order to avoid any backlash at home, I became a coward and found excuse after excuse to not see them much at all. Even when I made plans to go out, because he had plans to go out, I would be guilt tripped, called or texted every hour, informed he would be home at a certain time so we would be able to spend the evening together, only to find that I cut my plans short to go home, and his plans had changed to keep him out later. So there I’d be, at home alone, just me and my cats. This was all gradual. It didn’t happen overnight. In the beginning they were small sacrifices for the man I loved, but over time they began to break me down. I was isolated from the people who loved me and would hermit at home to avoid any conflict. I had become weak and fearful of any fights that might stem from his claim that I was disrespecting him. When I did make the rare plans to venture out my phone was glued to my hip so as not to miss a call or text, because if I didn’t answer or respond fast enough, there would be another tongue lashing over the phone and when I got back home.

It wasn’t just verbal abuse, it became mental abuse. I would be shunned and ignored. The silent treatment with a seething side of anger. It was always about respect, and I seemed to be the one doing all the disrespecting. Never mind the name calling and being hung up on. He believed he was justified, because according to him it was all my fault. I didn’t listen. I didn’t follow directions. I ordered the wrong thing at the drive-thru. I didn’t text a response within five minutes. I didn’t answer my phone. These things would “make him think” is how he put it. I was now a liar and couldn’t be trusted. So my phone had to be with me at all times.

As time went on I no longer found joy in anything I used to do. Hiking and going for walks were out of the question, because what if I lost my phone signal? Having my friends and family stop by the house became uncomfortable for everyone as his irritation that they were there was clearly visible, and I began to make excuses for why they couldn’t come over anymore. I became “busy” and unavailable and always had something else I had to do. He and I would make plans to do something together, but we never seemed to do anything at all. Covid definitely helped in this area, because now there was a valid excuse to not do a damn thing. He would spend his time in the garage while I cleaned the house, and then he’d leave to see his friends only to tell me he’d be back for dinner. Then he would let me know he would be late, but we’d still have dinner. Then that would turn into his just picking up something, because he wasn’t sure when he’d be home, and I would just need to fend for myself. This happened more and more, and I was trained to not expect much in the ways of plans. I isolated myself to the confines of a house I cannot wait to move out of. If the house wasn’t clean, he would make some snide comment to me that I was slacking. If I spent too much time cleaning I’d be told the house was fine, and that he didn’t care if it was clean. If he took out the trash, and I failed to put a new bag in the trash can right away, he would accuse me of playing games and being spiteful. All over a trash bag! Dishes in the sink? Obviously my spiteful way to get him to finally do them. When I’d tell him I just hadn’t gotten to them yet, he would wash half of them, pissed off that he had to do any sort of womanly chore, and then retreat to the garage to shun me for the rest of the evening. More and more, the things I said or did or the misread facial expressions became disrespectful to him, and his mood would 180° in the blink of an eye. So the shunning would again commence. Entire days and weekends where he would avoid me at home and wouldn’t speak to me. I was a prisoner in my own house, always worried, always anxious, always knowing there would be a scolding when he would decide to break his silence. What names would he call me this time? How loud was he going to yell? How hard did he plan on slamming a door? How long was he not going to talk to me again? Who was I going to wake up next to in the morning? Was it going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I was no longer allowed to contact his family and friends. He no longer accompanied me to family events. We no longer went on dates, and when he said we would, he’d turn it into a couples date with his friends, but then he would end up cancelling. So staying at home doing nothing became our date nights. We used to watch movies together on the weekends. That turned into watching ten minutes of something together until he finished eating what was on his plate to leave me there alone as he went back out to his garage. And these are just some of the small, more pleasant discomforts that became the norm. One time I was yelled at after we went through a drive-thru to get breakfast, and I had asked him if he wanted his sandwich or his hash brown first. I was yelled at and accused of being stupid and not knowing who he was at all. How could I not know he wanted his hash brown first?! I was an idiot. I was dumb. I was useless. I never made that mistake again.

Over the course of a year it became worse. The yelling was louder. The cut downs became cruel and even more hurtful. The more I tried to change who I was to avoid those moments, the more pathetic I became. I was too easy a target, and I took it, and I cried. I would have anxiety attacks at home, while grocery shopping, even picking up dinner, because what if I forgot something? What if I ordered the wrong thing? What if I messed something up or did something wrong? I would try not to cry in public as these thoughts rushed to the forefront of my mind, and the anxiety would build and build. I learned to swallow it down, put on a fake face, and get whatever I needed to get done quickly. I was a coward. I didn’t have the strength to stand up for myself or fight back. I always just let it happen. I let him speak to me as if I was a piece of trash, and he would be sure to tell me I was. I allowed it. So when I finally did begin to fight back and return his words, the intensity increased, but I was tired of just taking it. I was tired of being the bigger person and not stooping to name calling or potentially saying things that can never be taken back. That was a lesson I had learned years before, and I had become very good at keeping my mouth shut, and I absolutely hate fighting, because it doesn’t solve a fucking thing. Words spoken in anger are not words of truth, but if repeated enough they become a lie you believe. They are meant to cut and slice and stab and draw blood, and boy could they. But I was tired of being the one bleeding out every time, and I let my words fly. Saying cruel words even in defense didn’t make me feel better. They made me feel even weaker, because now I was becoming angry. If I wasn’t allowed to cry or be sad anymore I concluded that the only logically, acceptable response was to be angry and mad. That was the response I was always receiving, so why couldn’t I do the same? But I learned anger is very difficult to control. No matter how loud I yelled back or how many cruel things I could shoot back in defense, it would only build and build until I wanted to throw things. I wanted to break things. I want to put my fists through walls. I wanted to scream. I wanted to explode. But I’m not that type of person. I would think of the consequences and keep the anger inside. I became salty and unhappy with everything. My sarcasm and cynicism became relentless. This in turn made him even more angry, and it became a vicious cycle of fights and cut downs and being apart. I turned my anger onto myself in the form of not giving a shit. I would relentlessly pick at my face and body. I stopped giving a shit about what I ate. I would avoid calls from friends or family. I hated my job. I hated my house. I hated my life. Worst of all, I hated me. I believed it was all my fault. If I could just fix me everything would be better, but I didn’t love or even like myself enough to fix anything. I was angry and hurt, and it showed. I looked at photos from two years earlier, and I could no longer recognize the face I saw in the mirror everyday. I had aged. I looked tired, sad, and ugly. The poison was doing its work, and I kept drinking it. Vial after vial, I would drink it all and feel even more empty. Even my not giving a shit was a lie I’d tell myself, because I knew I cared too much. I knew what I was doing to myself. I knew! My self-destructive behavior had more control than I wanted to admit, so I would cry and be angry. I was an absolute mess. If I didn’t love myself, how on earth could I love anyone else? What sort of example was I to my daughter? How could I possibly teach her to love herself and be strong when I was so weak?

The past four months have been extremely difficult. This was supposed to be a time of joy and celebration. Instead it was ripped apart by all this anger, and my anger had become resentment. Once you hit that stage, it’s hard to go back to what was before in order to forgive and trust and love and heal. It is the final boss at the end of the game, and I had come to meet it face to face, and I was destined to lose. The extreme lows were followed by extreme highs. I was exhausted and confused and lost. Any positives were quickly washed out by negatives, to the point that was all I heard and believed anymore. I was trash. I was a stupid bitch, a dumb cow, fat and ugly, a sexual turnoff, a crack whore, frumpy, a dumbass, and I was told to shut the fuck up repeatedly and hung up on. I believed it all at this point. I would try not to cry as this poison was shoved down my throat and into my heart. I was broken. I had no fight left to give, and the poison had me believing that life would be better for everyone if I just wasn’t around anymore. Not that I’d ever actually go through with that at all, but those dark thoughts crept within the shadows of my mind, whispering sweet, sour nothings in my ear, inviting me to play along. As I mentioned in the very beginning, the darkest depths of my soul had something deep within. It was keeping something safe and hidden until I was ready to acknowledge it.

I was ready…

-Bonnie

If you have read all the way to this point, I’m sure you have grasped the situation I am writing about. Only my closest family and friends have been kept in the know of what my life has become over the past couple years, and believe me, they don’t even know the half of it. I only write about it now, because this is a type of therapy for me. It is a form of release and a way to help me reflect and heal myself moving forward. I will not share everything. The moments I do share are lite versions of the worst of it all, but they are enough, and I can only hope that my writing about my own experiences might help someone else. As natural as it is to pick a side, this is not meant to bash my now ex boyfriend. We still love each other. We had hurt each other immensely, and we knew we were toxic for one another, and we would have continued hurting each other if it wasn’t put to a dead stop. Things have been said that will never be forgotten, but now I have the ability to truly grow and find myself again. There’s a girl I knew four years ago. She was in love and happy and radiant, and I am determined to find her again. She may not shine as brightly as she once did, but I’ll pull her back into the light, and I will continue writing about my journey of self-healing and discovery as I learn to love myself again. If you want to leave a comment, all I ask is that it’s a positive one. Please do not bash someone else. This space is mine to share with you, and I need it to be a healing one. 💙

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Encouragement I sent in ‘16

Look, life sucks. It sucks a lot! But even when it’s cold and lonely and looking bleak, and you’re at the point of giving up, don’t forget that you can either stay in the dark or choose to come up into the light. You have the strength to decide whether to continue sinking to the depths where the pressure becomes too much on you, or you can swim as hard as you can up and up where you can finally break the surface for a breath of air. Life is going to continue shitting on you. People will continue to use you. The world will constantly try to break you down into nothing. But there is beauty and joy and peace everywhere. You just have to open your eyes and your heart and your soul to it, otherwise you won’t see it. I know you are strong. People like us are fighters. We struggle to be happy. We battle to make it day to day. I know you can do it. I have the utmost faith in you and your abilities.

I had saved this in my notes from a few years back. Hard to believe it had been kept hidden away for so long. Sometimes these little words of encouragement are worth reading again.

-Bonnie

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Let Me (Re)Introduce Myself…

Hi!

My name is Bonnie. I am a lover of the ocean, the mountains, the desserts, the forests, the grasslands, you name it! I am a bit of a sun whore who will probably end up dying from it (I know, terrible). I love food! I love cooking food! I love eating food! I love reading and writing and painting and speed skating and stand up paddling and climbing and hiking and drinking and challenges and cryptograms and making people smile and my daughter and my mom and family and friends who are family and friends who are friends. I realized this list could go on for far too long, so I’ll just stop there. But I’m pretty sure you get the idea. I do and love and enjoy a lot of things in life!

I am a believer in balance. I don’t necessarily follow any religions, but I do have my beliefs. I was raised Christian, and grew up going to small (like seriously teeny tiny) Christian schools until high school. Lemme tell ya! That was a shock to the system! I had never seen a locker before! No joke! My classes had maybe up to 21 people in them. Then I go to a school where I have to change rooms, and there are 300+ fellow classmates. It was strange not knowing everyone in my class or classes or anything. This was the end of my innocence for sure!!!

So, graduated high school with honors. Failed at my first attempt at college. Joined the Army. Got out of that early (story for another time). Married. Child. Divorced. Single mom. School from time to time. Married. Moved to Hawaii. Moved back to Texas. Divorced. Single mom. Child moved in with her dad. Alone. Stupid boyfriends. Lived in car. Lost friends. Moved into apartment. Really stupid boyfriend. Child moves back in. No more stupid boyfriend. Finally earned my AAS degree! Moved with child. Single mom again. Awesome boyfriend who was my first love from high school!!! Not joking!!! Thought he was dead honestly. 20 year HS reunion had me Google his name. There he was. Messaged him on FB. He messaged back. C’est la vie! Due to his request for privacy, I won’t be writing much directly about him. That’s about all you’re getting for now. 😉

Life is crazy for sure!!!!!

So, hi everyone! Even people who know me probably don’t know all of that, and it’s fun to share my randomness. I think that’s part of being human, passing down stories in general. Not that knowing more about me will do your life really any good, but it’ll help give you a base for any of my future posts. I had mentioned I believe in balance. That is a very huge part of who I am. Future posts will probably involve the misadventures of me trying to find my balance. I will do my best not to bore you, and fair warning: I have a crude sense of humor, and I swear a lot at times (especially if I’ve had a couple of adult beverages before I decide to write, or during, whatever), and I just want to make sure you know that before you get sucked in.

With that, I will try to get on here and write more often. This will be a sort of therapy for me like journaling. I may be brutally honest in some posts. Others might be pretty meh. The future holds so much adventure that I can’t wait to share with you!!!! Let’s see where we go!

-Bonnie 💙

That is my mini me. Life would be boring without her!!!! Love my amazing Angel Pie!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Yes. I do realize that is missing an “a”.

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It’s a Little Bit Funny…

…this feeling inside. But seriously though, isn’t it?

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. None of them bad, that I can recall. I have been anointed with amazing luck at this point in my life. All of it unexpected. All of it amazing!

I would go into more detail, but it’s not quite the right time yet to discuss everything. As much as I have ranted in the past and discussed personal matters, I am trying to conduct myself in a perceptively more mature way. What I will tell you though, is that the heart is an amazing muscle!!!! Don’t ever underestimate it! I say this to you as much as I say it to myself. It has helped me survive over the years, and even when I think it couldn’t break any further, it continues to beat and to thrive. I’ve always promoted loving with all you have. Sometimes that is extremely difficult to do, but what’s the point of life if you don’t love it?

During spring break a couple of weeks ago, I took my amazing mini me, aka Angel Pie, camping for a couple of nights. She and I had never done that as just the two of us. We organized all the camping stuff, grabbed my two tents (we weren’t sure which one we’d have to use), the hammocks, the sleeping bags, all that fun stuff! This had to have been the most organized camping trip ever! We stopped at the store on the way out to Mineral Wells State Park. Living in Fort Worth, Mineral Wells always seemed so damn far away! I pulled up Waze, and MWSP was only 35 minutes from where I currently live. We were almost disappointed how close it was!

They had one spot available when I had gotten online to reserve the spot, and it was only for one night. We were at the rv portion. Which was totally fine. We had no one across from us, no one near us, and it was awesome! We got there early to set up our site and then went out looking for a place to hike and check out for the afternoon. They have climbing there!!!! We decided to free climb around the area. Lots of really cool spots to climb up and down and get into precarious situations. It was a blast!!!!! That evening we get back to the site, ride our longboards around the camp circle (which was perfect from where we were at since it was mostly downhill), and we got the hammocks hung up and the fire going. It was a beautiful night!!!!

The next day we knew we had to pack up, which sucked, because we really want d to stay another night. No open spots for the second night and no cancelled reservations. Bummer! But!!!! They had primitive camping available. We have never done this, mind you. We have never hiked out to camp. Ever! So, we decided to just go for it! Why not?! Let’s just say we fell in love!!! Yes. It was just one night, but it was greatness!!! We filled up my Camelbak, grabbed a snack, bungee corded the crap out of our hammocks and sleeping bags, took the couple of essentials just in case, and headed out. Now, we were exhausted from spending the day climbing and hiking, and we decided to hike some more. We got to our spot, hung up the hammocks, and were worn the fuck out. We basically relaxed the rest of the evening.

The fun part of this is how you don’t realize how cold it can get sleeping in a hammock. Our first night was in a tent, on the ground, with mats under us. I hadn’t planned on sleeping in my hammock at all, so I never packed up my over quilt. Never crossed my mind! I woke up in the middle of the night to my mini me asking me for my sweatshirt. I informed her I was currently wearing it, and I suggested she join me in my hammock (thankfully I have a double and a couple singles, I brought the double, whew). The hammock sleeping was super comfy until then. But it was much warmer!!! Still had a blast!!!

We waited the next morning until the other campers packed up and headed out. We wanted to be lazy and enjoy our time out there. It was amazing! We had a nice little hike back, got some coffee at the camp store, and went out climbing one last time. We were so tired and worn out, but we had so much fun! We met and climbed around with a family that we met out there. Super sweet people!

What a great short trip we had!!! Even though we weren’t far from home, it made us want to do more. So now we hope to start camping over the weekends when we can and when the weather will hopefully be nice. We probably need to practice a bit more before we do any crappy weather camping. Just sayin.

Anyway, I thought that would be fun to share with you. I hope you have an amazing weekend enjoying whatever it is you enjoy doing.

Love,

Bonnie

Me and the mini on the first day!

Awesome pic the mini got! These smelled absolutely amazing!!!!!

The view was incredible!!

We had a blast taking photos on the rocks!

Our campsite the first night. Didn’t have the hammocks up yet.

Sunset on the first night was gorgeous!!

Fun selfie the first night! Flash was a tad bright…

Our second night spent in the hammocks this time. This was out at our primitive spot.

Fun little pose on our last day. Love that girl!!!

My mini is pretty awesome!!

Quick video of the lake. It was so peaceful out there!!!

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Memories For Memorial Day And A Father’s Birthday…

Today is Memorial Day. It is a day to remember those who have given their lives for this country.  Those lives have given me the freedom to write this blog, and I can never thank them enough. Some of you know that I was in the Army.  I do not consider myself a veteran of any sort, as I took an option to get out early (personal circumstances at the time) with an honorable discharge.  I was in less than a year, and I miss it.  The best part was meeting some of the best people I know and have stayed connected with through the years.  We all live so far away from one another, but thanks to FB we have stayed connected.  I appreciate them more than they will ever know.  Thank you for your service.  

Today is also my father’s 60th birthday.  The older I get the more I realize I don’t know him.  It’s no one’s fault really.  We are just two completely different people.  We don’t talk.  We don’t hang out.  We awkwardly ask how the other is doing, both wanting to have a conversation, but those conversations just seem to resemble infomercials where we’re both trying to sell coins to one another, albeit shiny ones.  Most of the time I think it’s because I’m a girl.  Other times I think I’m not logical enough to talk to him about anything resembling logical intelligence.  Other times, I think we’re just both really bad at taking walls down that have no real reason to be up.  

Needless to say, my dad and I are not very close.  Rarely do I see the side of him that lights up with boyhood brightness.  When I do see it, it’s always with someone else.  Writing this is not easy, just so you know.  This post is not meant to show how terrible my dad is or how crappy his daughter is. It may be entirely my fault that he and I aren’t closer.  It’s even harder working in the same office building and hearing how he talks to everyone else with happiness in his voice.  Sometimes I get to hear him say hi to everyone and then he walks by me.  God forbid there be any showing of “favorites” in the workplace.  There isn’t any.  He asked me to lunch once.  Well, a lunch without an agenda attached.  It was awkward beyond belief.  Here I am in my thirties expecting some sort of lecture the entire time.  It never came.  Now that was strange.  What was even more disheartening was that when he asked me to lunch, my boss was just as shocked.  My boss has watched me grow up and has known my dad nearly my entire life.  He knows, unlike anyone else in the office, how close my dad and I are not.  

For my dad’s birthday, I bought him a journal, along with a couple of randoms; the traditional sudoku book (he loves sudoku puzzles), and a steam engine die sheet metal model he can put together (something I thought was pretty cool).  My dad is sooooooooooo not easy to buy for.  What do you get a person who has everything they need and buys whatever they want, and they only tell you they want socks?  So the only truly meaningful gift I got him was the journal.  He may never use it, and that is perfectly fine.  I would actually hope he’d at least use it in some random way like to start a fire in some strange act of survivalism. At least then I would know it had served a purpose other than to collect dust.  I wrote him a note in this one.  A tradition I enjoy doing when gifting books or journals.  I believe they always add more meaning to the gift.  I’m weird.  I know this, but it makes it more personal when you write down a tiny bit of your heart on paper.  The journal is for one thing, his memories.  I told him to write down anything he wanted to.  Memories of his childhood, my childhood, whatever he wanted.  As long as they were memories.  They could be happy or sad or whatever.  I figure since we don’t sit down and have heartfelt conversations, maybe I could get to know him this way.  It’s a thought, right?  So now we will just have to see if he does anything with it.  He’s a busy man, and his free time is usually filled with something, so adding something to a voluntary to-do list may be out of the question.  I don’t know.  

What I do know is time passes faster than we realize.  Faster than I realize.  I wish there were more times than the random holidays when family would get together and talk story.  We have moved so far beyond the days of sitting around fires and sharing stories and passing on tall tales and valiant battles. Although let me just put this out there, I am a horrible story teller!!!  Absolutely terrible!  I can write a story, but saying it out loud it becomes some garbled mess of words with no point.  What I think I am really trying to say through this post, is that I do not want to speak at the funeral of a man I do not know.  Time is only going to increase in speed, and there is only so much time to get to know anyone.  If I don’t get to know the man who helped bring me into this world (albeit accidentally), then I have no one to blame but myself. He has been a dutiful dad, and I miss the days when we would play a new Nintendo game or build a new Lego set.  Those days are gone.  Now I don’t know him at all.  No more train rides.  More more high railing.  No more jumping through inner tubes in the pool.  No more running through waves at the beach.  All those memories I have from so long ago.  All the memories that aren’t made due to not knowing how to make them anymore.  Time is fleeting, and memories fade…

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Birthday Dad

-Bonnie

   
 

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For My Angel Pie…

This post is for you, sweet girl!  As much as I brag about how awesome you are, or however many silly stories I share about your inherited grace, it’s always nice to remind you of how much you are loved.  You are such a beautiful, intelligent and strong young lady, who occasionally walks into doorways.  You are amazing to watch when performing your colorguard routines, and I can’t wait to hear how you do at tryouts next week!  I know how much work you put into getting better and better every single day, and I have seen the bruises and heard you whine about the soreness, but you keep getting better at your sport!   So don’t give it up!  Keep having fun!

Although you sometimes admit to studying just before taking a test (we’ve all done it!), you still tend to amaze and do well!  Most of the time.  Tisk tisk!  Bad grades happen sometimes.  It’s all part of learning.  You did outstanding on your STAAR tests, excelling at the reading portion to be categorized as advanced, and that is pretty amazeballs!!!!  Your schedule next year looks ridiculously insane, but I know you can handle it!  You have a great brain (you’re welcome), and you just need to remember to keep your focus (it will be tough) and keep trudging onward.   You can do it!

When you play the guitar you sound amazing! You learn new songs and enjoy playing them, and the more you practice the better you get! You also make mama happy and proud hearing you play; especially when you play songs together!  That really makes her day!!!  You are incredibly gifted when it comes to painting and drawing, and I hope you never stop.  I know school and colorguard will make it difficult the next four years, but never give it up!  Sketch and paint whenever you get a chance.  It will always help clear your mind!

After listing that tiny amount of the awesomeness about you (because trust me, I could go on ALL night), I am going to get some sleep!  So, Madi girl, always remember how much you are loved!!!  Never forget that!!!!  I love you more than the Earth loves the Sun!!!!  Good night and sweet dreams!!!  You make me proud to be your mom, and you make life so much greater for the people around you who get to see that beautiful spirit of yours!!!  Keep shining your brightness everywhere you go!  You light up the hearts of all those who are lucky enough to be around you!  I love you, angel pie!  😘😘😘😘😘😘

-Bonnie

   

                 

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