Tick tick tick
It never seemed to stop
It never seemed to slow
Tick tick ticking away at her soul
All the coulda woulda shouldas
She couldn’t let them go
Rushing to and fro
Just a little longer then home
Here and there and everywhere
Her mind was over tasked
Another call another email
Always needing that time and a half
Just to scrape by
Always by the skin of her teeth
Never a restful moment
Always in need of sleep
And what was there to show
For all the years and dedication
Heartbreak debt and loneliness
Nothing to her name
Secret dreams of accidents
A settlement just one
For what’s a couple broken bones
When you could afford to have work done
Maybe just a broken leg
Walking in front of a car
With zero debt and zero fucks
You don’t have to walk very far
Or maybe just a simple trip
A long vacation you could say
A tumble down the stairs
A slight knocking of the skull
When you’re in a drug induced coma
How could her dreams be dull
But snapped back to reality
Tick tick tick and more
She quickly realized she was late
But rushed to finish more
Everyone who knows her
Is sure to understand
In this dog eat dog world
More work is just the cure
For who has time for fun
When you can’t even afford it
Enjoying life is overrated
At least that is what she thought
But too much stress
No happiness
Something’s sure to pop
That only drove her harder
Quickly climbing up that ladder
Up up up ever higher
Where she’d stop no one could know
But something in the back of her mind
Was getting ready to blow
For late nights there were uppers
Although they hardly worked anymore
For just a couple hours of sleep
Downers were the way to go
But emptiness and loneliness
Were always knocking at the door
Sometimes the sound would make her scream
So she’d work and work some more
To drown out thoughts of nothingness
And earn those dollar bills
Just to watch them disappear
Paying off debt and buying pills
Tick tick tick
As more time passes by
The pressure growing in her mind
Steadily on the rise
Sanity declines
At first there was some blurriness
Some things were out of focus
She brushed it off as if age was the culprit
Or maybe lack of sleep was all
If it was still there a day later
She would make a call
The fuzzy shapes would all subside
Life was back to normal
There wasn’t time for any check up
Work was due tomorrow
A headache here
A headache there
Nothing out of the ordinary
Some tingling in her fingers
She must have just slept funny
Tick tick tick
Typing talking always moving
Sometimes her neck felt stiff and sore
Must be her posture
More work more
The first to arrive
The last to leave
You’d think she was the company’s star
But all that work and overtime
Only earned her even more
Time behind her computer
Chained to the office floor
Ever working always harder
More work more
Then comes another headache
Right behind an eye
She wouldn’t let that stop her
She’d work until she’d die
Every day was blurry
Bleeding into the next
Weeks months years
More and more stress
Tick tick tick
Time was rushing fast
But she couldn’t change her ways
Her future was now her past
For one night she was working late
Alone and on her own
The life not lived had ceased to give
Another hint or warning
This pace was not maintainable
She’d be there until morning
The pain struck instantaneously
From inside her head
The pressure building up
Found a way around its dead end
Internally it flowed
Turning gray a darker hue
She tried to scream
Someone help me please
A gurgle was the best she could do
Slumping down
No control of limbs
Gravity was her master
Tick tick tick
Vision blurring ever faster
Time is of the essence now
Although now it didn’t matter
There’s no going back
To change a past
And oh there goes the bladder
One by one each organ
Struggled to maintain function
For the master switch had been flipped
As hemorrhaging took over
All the coulda would shouldas
Flashed by in record time
Would she still get paid for this
She obviously earned her overtime
A silly thought
It was her last
She couldn’t even laugh
Tick tick tick
The darkness settled in
So this is what it feels like
To finally feel at rest
-Bonnie
Time and a Half…
Catcher of Rainbows…
I am not a writer.
I am not a painter.
I am not a poet.
I am not an electrician.
I am not a homemaker.
I am not religious.
So what the fuck am I? Besides annoying and sarcastic and hilarious? Probably the only thing I excel at being: a Jack of all trades. I would say Jill, but then people look at me all cockeyed, so it’s just easier being a Jack. Master? Nope! Expert? Absolutely not! Genius? Hahaha! No! Scholar?Most definitely nope! So what am I besides being subpar or good enough to do as many things as I possibly can?
Scatterbrained. Absolutely all over the place. You thought I’d use a better term, right? Believe me, I thought maybe philomath would be a good one to use as an all encompassing umbrella term, but when it is synonymous with scholar and genius, I have to say it’s a hard nope. If you’ve never heard of a philomath before, it’s worth the lookup. In a way it does describe me. You just have to knock its seriousness down about ten rungs to that whole Jack/Jill level. Nothings against the Jacks and Jills of the world, because we keep this world moving.
Wanting to learn everything I possibly can comes with a price. I have learned (yeah, ba da dum, tsss) as I’ve gotten older that my brain does not like to shut off. It has its moments of pure, determined focus, but more often than not, it is attempting to catch rainbows. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I have so many ideas that I can’t seem to recall 90% of them. If I don’t associate your name with something immediately, I will forget it within two minutes of hearing it. If I sit down at a restaurant, and there’s no conversation, I will read everything in range, at least five times, and I will still have to reread the menu to figure out what I want to eat. It is a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse, but it has given me a divine sense of humor that can come out as mean if I don’t watch myself. Which is also odd, because I am actually a nice person. Annoying, yes! Mean, no! But I can be, so don’t be a dick!
I have learned to write everything down so I don’t forget. I also have to remind myself to remember to write it down, because I will forget to do that too. There are so many things I still want to do, see, and experience in my life, that I no longer have a bucket list. I have a CVS receipt over a mile long. In fact, it’s probably hit the two mile mark at this point, but honestly, I don’t remember where it left off. Obviously the list gets longer each year, because I find myself doing things that aren’t even on my list to begin with. Then I add more to that list that I may or may not get to this year. Or next year. Or ever. Eek!
The desire to learn is strong. I do consider myself pretty damn good at figuring things out. I can Google like a champ, and if I can’t find it on the internet, it most likely doesn’t exist. So there’s that. I love puzzles, cryptograms, word searches, and other random, mind-engaging activities. No. I do not like crosswords, chess, or algebraic equations that use Greek alphanumeric characters that have an assigned, mathematical value. Hell nope! When puzzles are associated with math, like the Rubik’s Cube, I’m out. I can add, multiply, figure out angles, and solve for x. Calculators are my friends. Again. Google is my friend. I can get a max of two sides of that damn cube. So I gotta admit that performing at 33.3…% efficiency is sad. Like, really sad.
And yet I must learn more!
But I never seem to want to learn everything about one thing. I just want to learn something about everything. So that whole curse thing happens here: I learn enough to do whatever task is at hand, and then the desire to learn more vanishes once that particular task is complete. I have a minimum of twenty started projects going at the same time, but two new ones are added each time I complete one. I still owe (not really owe, I enjoy giving a lot) multiple Christmas gifts that I am still in the process of making. I put my heart into everything I do and make, and yet my brain likes to travel elsewhere. It is stressful, exhausting, and it takes its toll on my current, physical and mental state. I get tension headaches nearly every day now, and if I don’t get those under control, they evolve into migraines. Those bad boys like to linger a good three days. I want to get so many things done every day that I don’t seem to have time to finish them. That is, if I even find the time to begin.
Everything is fleeting. My writing comes in waves. My desire to paint is like a storm blowing through. I waste time doing absolutely, nothing worthy of said time. When my body wants nothing more than to sleep, because my eyeballs literally hurt, my brain has other plans. Yay! Puzzles!!! That inspiration to get things done, seems to sputter out midway through just writing out my to-do list. I am a mess.
So why am I writing now? Why am I sharing my nightmare of a mental state with you? Why am I sharing with you the things I enjoy starting and never finishing? Yeah. I don’t know either. Maybe it just helps me organize my thoughts a bit. Maybe I have some deep, philosophical urge to let others know they’re not the only crazy people out there. You are not alone. We are not alone. Know why? Because we are all fucking crazy. Seriously. The quicker you learn that the easier life becomes, because no one thinks the exact same way you or I do. At least we are unique in some way. Ok. Not really. We just like to believe that lie we tell ourselves. We are sooooooooo not unique, and the universe is completely indifferent to our measly, blip of an existence. Even knowing all of that, I still want to learn more. Yes. I’m crazy. But at least I admit it.
Keep doing your crazy. I’ll keep doing mine.
Just don’t be a dick about it.
-Bonnie
Yeah. I can write poetry to scare people, and paint one hell of a bear. I can make a grilled cheese that’ll give you a heart attack ten years down the road (I’m trying to shorten that to five by adding even more butter. I think it’s working), and I can organize like a motha fuckah! I can lay waste to a bag of Dove silky, milk chocolates, and I can get my cat Sausage to “do the thing” which involves getting her to rear up on her stocky little ham hock back legs to get more scratches. Yeah. She’s a special one with her own IG account @catsausage. I can also continue writing random shit about myself, because your level of crazy wants to keep reading it. Sucker! I kid! I appreciate you reading my randomness. I really do. I think it’s fun sharing my weirdness, because you can maybe relate to a fraction of it. If not, I at least hope it was entertaining. Go check out my cat’s page. You know you want to. Just do it. Yes. I am pushing my cat now. You’re welcome. 😉
Nine Lives…
Part III
He watched and he waited
There could be no hesitating
As she made her way home
All alone
Reflexes were ready
Gotta keep those hands steady
Deep breaths in
Deep breaths out
There could be no doubt
The next moves were so perfectly planned
Up the stairs to her floor
Slowly quietly he crept to her door
Getting in was too easy
He still had his key
Funny she never changed the lock
Obviously a sign
(She’s fated to be mine)
Of course he would have such a thought
His knife at the ready
Remember keep those hands steady
Can’t be too quick there needs to be torture
A heart broken like this
Will make a man sick
Revenge is the only known cure
As she remained oblivious
To his insidiousness
His darkness continued to grow
Harder and harder
He couldn’t take it much longer
This bitch has got to go
He lost focus
One quick moment
A split second was all that it took
He tripped over her cat
Which hissed and spat
Alerting it’s dumb clueless owner
Evil had gotten inside
It could no longer hide
She knew her life would soon be over
What she saw surprised her
A blade meant to be inside her
Was sticking up straight through his chest
Her cat sat beside him
Proud and delighted
Watching blood pool and making a mess
Looks like God’s gift
Hadn’t planned for this
For surely he would have known
His dark inner demon
Was no match for a feline
Dumb fuck you should have stayed home
-Bonnie
Though this story has been dramatized These things happen from time to time. Anger and frustration An excuse for justification That murder is the only way to go Think of a wife best friend brother Sister cousin aunt uncle son daughter Could they be dealing with their own stalker I think it could be said No one wants to end up dead Especially at the hands of a lover So check in on your people Good bad (and or evil) It’s time we took care of each other If they say they are fine You know they are lying No one gets away with that Maybe they need a companion Or just some compassion Take them out to go adopt a cat.
Lovely Rafters…
Part III
So that is the tale
Of a love turned stale
A woman can only take so much abuse
A heart can beat again
Even though it’s been dead
And its murderer left quite the bruise
If he says he’s an asshole believe him
He won’t change no matter how much you cry
Don’t be a stupid witch
Become what he says when he’s pissed
Here’s to you
You delightfully salty dumb spiteful bitch!
-Bonnie
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. When creativity strikes I have to run with it before it fades. Even if I get yelled at for basically hanging out in the bathroom for over an hour with a writing bug! It’s fucking stupid to some people…
I am feeling there might be more to this story.
So you may want to keep an eye out…
May love inspire you through life.
And death…
Encouragement I sent in ‘16
Look, life sucks. It sucks a lot! But even when it’s cold and lonely and looking bleak, and you’re at the point of giving up, don’t forget that you can either stay in the dark or choose to come up into the light. You have the strength to decide whether to continue sinking to the depths where the pressure becomes too much on you, or you can swim as hard as you can up and up where you can finally break the surface for a breath of air. Life is going to continue shitting on you. People will continue to use you. The world will constantly try to break you down into nothing. But there is beauty and joy and peace everywhere. You just have to open your eyes and your heart and your soul to it, otherwise you won’t see it. I know you are strong. People like us are fighters. We struggle to be happy. We battle to make it day to day. I know you can do it. I have the utmost faith in you and your abilities.
I had saved this in my notes from a few years back. Hard to believe it had been kept hidden away for so long. Sometimes these little words of encouragement are worth reading again.
-Bonnie
Something Old. A Little Hope…
I am thousands of feet in the air, and all I think about is you.
Hopefully one day sharing my life fully with you.
Hopefully one day you sharing your life fully with me.
And I hope.
And I hope you are wanting to do that.
I hope you are ready, and I hope you are wanting.
I am happy and yet sad. My heart wants to run to you knowing full well it could be suicide.
It could be another past come to claim my future.
It could be destroyed, and yet, it still hopes.
With every ounce of its being.It knows full well it can be crushed.
It can be cracked. It can be forever broken.
But there is always hope.
Like a beam of light that pierces through the vast darkness of pain, stabbing through the black like a dagger.
It itself has hope.
To survive.
To live life fully and completely and without hesitance.
To know love regardless of heartache.
To love completely without reserve.
To give all and want nothing in return.
Hope has its needs, mind you.
But it does not want. It needs hope in return.
It needs love. It needs warmth.
It needs the good.
It needs the bad.
For without the occasional bouts of pain and sadness, can there truly be hope.
Just don’t allow the dark to take over.
Always be aware of the light.
Always choose to love.
Where there is love, there is hope.
There is always.
There is you.
There is me.
There is us.
To Dream and Fade Away…
With all of the weirdness going on the world, it’s difficult finding something good to write about. There’s the projects around the house that finally get started on and sometimes finished. Then there are new ones that may or may not reach a starting point. There’s checking on friends and family and neighbors. Check in. Check in. Check in. Do your part in making sure those you know haven’t lost their sanity. set up those family zoom calls. Talk to people you haven’t seen in years. Do it. Show humanity at its simplistic version of itself.
Talk about the past. Talk about the present. Talk about the future. Discuss changes. Cause and effect. The fun topics. How’s life. How’s work. How’s school. How’s it going without a job. How’s it going being alone. So alone. No one there to even check in with.
Share food. Share toilet paper. Share stories. Share a beer. Share a space six feet away. Share carefully. Cautiously. Anxiously. But share nonetheless.
It’s true. We’re all in this bs together. We are all sharing the uncertainties and the fear. We should all be sharing love.
But that’s as simple as it gets. Share love. Share hope. Share strength.
Dream of something better. Being better. Doing better. Don’t fade into the darkness alone. You can find a friend or family member. Find them. Bring them to the light. Bring yourself into the light. Keep them safe. Keep saving everyone. We’re all going to need one another.
And done.
Today is another day. Smile. Love.