Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Sleep Study…

It happened again

The final straw

This time she would be laying down the law

For every night

After getting in bed

The sound like thunder would rumble in her head

She’d nudge him

She’d ask him

To move some different way

But no matter the position

The thunder wouldn’t go away

She’d pretend not to hear it

She’d read and play games

One pillow sometimes two

It was loud just the same

She only had three options

But they all came with a price

None of the outcomes would work out nice

She could lay there for hours

Until maybe it stopped

After taking more sleep meds

Finally knocked her out

She could grab up a pillow and blanket

And head to the couch

But she knew this was risky for her health

For if he woke up and noticed her gone

His anger would burst out like a wild hog

He’s call her stupid and a liar

But for what she didn’t know

He’d mumble slurs to himself back to bed

Solely seeing red

So she’d grab up her pillow and blanket

And head back to the room

So she’d lay back down beside him

What else could she do

But his anger would get worse

And he’d just get up and leave

Well now she’s done it

Bitch, why couldn’t you just sleep.

Now tomorrow is going to be another day filled with anger and wrath

All because he snores on his side, stomach, or back

He didn’t kiss her goodnight

Now there will be no kiss good morning

She’ll probably be shunned again

All because of his incessant snoring

She knew that idea was the worst one to choose

She should have just taken it

What’s a few hours of sleep to lose

She could have just kept her mouth shut

Like she did the day before

But tonight she was tired and couldn’t stand hearing it anymore

But there’s always option three

It lingers in her mind

But she could never ever go that route

Not yet not this time

But as the years grow longer

And the sleep becomes less and less

Option three will look better and better

She would be put to the test

What’s a friendly little pillow fight

Between resentful lovers

One pillow two hands

Option three for the smother

But it wouldn’t be easy

There’s be quite the struggle

This lying bitch would be on the floor

Choking in her own bloody puddle

So from now on she’ll just keep choosing

Good ole option one

Then she can continue being called

The grump morning one

At least now the bed is empty

Since he went to the couch instead

The room will be quiet

Now she can rest her little head

-Bonnie

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Tell Me Lies…

Honestly I’d rather you not, but we all do it. Don’t lie. You know you do. We all lie at some point.

I bring this up, because a lie is bothering me this evening. Not one I told, but one that was told to me. The problem with lies is that when you’ve done your fair share of lying in the past, you become quite good at it. So good in fact that you know when you’re being lied to even when it’s something small. It is easier to believe these false words than so as not to fully accept them. So this lie, that shouldn’t really matter to me at all is pestering my mind like the single mosquito in the room when you’re trying to fall asleep. It wasn’t recent, and yet it pops up from time to time as if it happened yesterday.

So with my bringing up lies and lying and liars in general, it’s funny how people are offended or angry when their lies are called out. No one likes to be called out on their bullshit. For example, the older I have gotten the more I enjoy not going out. Oh! I miss the energy of friends and the memories of social gatherings, but as I get more crotchety and lazy, it doesn’t always feel like it’s worth it. It is. It’s worth every damn bit of stress or anxiety or primping, but it’s So. Much. Easier. To just stay home. So what do we do when this happens? How many of us say that we are currently enjoying our hermitting stage and just don’t feel like dealing with the hassle of going out? I have. It’s rare. But mostly it’s an excuse, or I don’t feel well, my partner isn’t feeling well, or I have an early morning, etc, etc, etc. The lying comes with ease, because it is so so so easy. It’s easier to explain we don’t feel well rather than go into why we would rather have a stay in and watch a movie or why our current mental strength is not up to the task of being around others.

We lie. We lie to make others feel better. At least we liars believe that our lie is saving someone some grief, but is it? Let me ask you something, when you lie like this, to get out of something, does it make you feel better? Or do you feel guilty after it’s come out of your face? You know you may have just lied to your best friend, and deep down you know they know. So does it ever feel worth it to ourselves? Are we really saving anyone from grief when they 99.9% of the time know you’re making shit up? Not really. We make ourselves feel like shit for lying about something we shouldn’t have to lie about to begin with, and yet we continue the tradition.

Think of all the times you have lied to save someone’s feelings. The lies of encouragement when you don’t have the heart to be real, because it will spare a person pain. So many lies. I love your outfit when you wouldn’t be caught dead in it. Or I love your makeup even though someone has obviously spent too much time and money to look like a cheap whore. Even the silent lie to save not just their embarrassment but also our own. How many times have you let that person smile at you without saying there’s something in their teeth and then watch them smile away at others who do the same thing? Maybe not the same thing as lying, but it’s far from pointing out some honesty.

How many lies do we tell ourselves on a daily basis? How many do we believe? Do we eventually tell these personal lies so often that we believe them? Do our lies control our feelings toward ourselves? Sometimes we even lie to ourselves, repeating over and over and over again that we are happy. We look good. We feel good. Mantras to get as motivated in the morning can begin as a lie and then slowly progress towards the truth. Funny how that works. Day in. Day out. Every day. I feel good. I feel happy. Lying until it’s true. Sort of like the whole fake it til you make it. The way we dress. The way we speak. The way we act. We are all just a bunch of liars. Always trying to show others we think they want to see. Putting on our costumes and masks to hide the real us. It’s easy to pick out the ones in the crowd who don’t care anymore, who aren’t out to be something they’re not. The ones who choose their lies more carefully and use only when needed.

The one person I lie to the most is myself. Deep down I don’t like me. I don’t like being lazy. I don’t like feeling unattractive. I don’t like who I am anymore. Only the lies I tell myself get me through the day anymore. They’re the only things that boost my confidence levels enough to get things done. I lie and say I like me. I lie and say I look good in this outfit. I lie and say my hair looks good. But it’s all lies!!!!!!!!!

But do I want to hear the truth? We know how much the truth hurts. Do we all want to know the truth about everything.? Or is it better to accept the lies and believe them to be true? As easy as it is to lie, maybe it’s even easier to just accept it and move along. so that lie that continues to haunt me, I might as well accept it as a lie someone told me to keep from hurting my feelings. It was a lie made to make someone else feel better about themselves. And that’s fine. But it’s still a long way away from the honestly I was craving at the time.

So be honest. Your loved ones deserve it. Even when it hurts. Even when it makes them feel guilty. Demand the truth from them in return. Now go drink some expensive tea and relax. Repeat some mantras until you believe them. Then go out to the world and show them the real you. There no resin the hide yourself under a blanket of lies.

Enough rambling on and on. Have a good evening. Would love to hear some comments on how this post makes you feel.

-Bonnie

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