Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Let Me (Re)Introduce Myself…

Hi!

My name is Bonnie. I am a lover of the ocean, the mountains, the desserts, the forests, the grasslands, you name it! I am a bit of a sun whore who will probably end up dying from it (I know, terrible). I love food! I love cooking food! I love eating food! I love reading and writing and painting and speed skating and stand up paddling and climbing and hiking and drinking and challenges and cryptograms and making people smile and my daughter and my mom and family and friends who are family and friends who are friends. I realized this list could go on for far too long, so I’ll just stop there. But I’m pretty sure you get the idea. I do and love and enjoy a lot of things in life!

I am a believer in balance. I don’t necessarily follow any religions, but I do have my beliefs. I was raised Christian, and grew up going to small (like seriously teeny tiny) Christian schools until high school. Lemme tell ya! That was a shock to the system! I had never seen a locker before! No joke! My classes had maybe up to 21 people in them. Then I go to a school where I have to change rooms, and there are 300+ fellow classmates. It was strange not knowing everyone in my class or classes or anything. This was the end of my innocence for sure!!!

So, graduated high school with honors. Failed at my first attempt at college. Joined the Army. Got out of that early (story for another time). Married. Child. Divorced. Single mom. School from time to time. Married. Moved to Hawaii. Moved back to Texas. Divorced. Single mom. Child moved in with her dad. Alone. Stupid boyfriends. Lived in car. Lost friends. Moved into apartment. Really stupid boyfriend. Child moves back in. No more stupid boyfriend. Finally earned my AAS degree! Moved with child. Single mom again. Awesome boyfriend who was my first love from high school!!! Not joking!!! Thought he was dead honestly. 20 year HS reunion had me Google his name. There he was. Messaged him on FB. He messaged back. C’est la vie! Due to his request for privacy, I won’t be writing much directly about him. That’s about all you’re getting for now. 😉

Life is crazy for sure!!!!!

So, hi everyone! Even people who know me probably don’t know all of that, and it’s fun to share my randomness. I think that’s part of being human, passing down stories in general. Not that knowing more about me will do your life really any good, but it’ll help give you a base for any of my future posts. I had mentioned I believe in balance. That is a very huge part of who I am. Future posts will probably involve the misadventures of me trying to find my balance. I will do my best not to bore you, and fair warning: I have a crude sense of humor, and I swear a lot at times (especially if I’ve had a couple of adult beverages before I decide to write, or during, whatever), and I just want to make sure you know that before you get sucked in.

With that, I will try to get on here and write more often. This will be a sort of therapy for me like journaling. I may be brutally honest in some posts. Others might be pretty meh. The future holds so much adventure that I can’t wait to share with you!!!! Let’s see where we go!

-Bonnie 💙

That is my mini me. Life would be boring without her!!!! Love my amazing Angel Pie!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Yes. I do realize that is missing an “a”.

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Thoughts About Weddings…

Weddings.  Some people love them, others hate them.  Everyone has their own personal opinion about them.  Just today I was about to go on a hike, when a guy who just came back from doing it started talking to me.  When I told him I was in town from Texas for a friend’s wedding, his opinion came right on out!  He said they were depressing.  And I completely understood what he meant!  He was proud of being 35 and never getting married, and he never planned on it. To each his own.  

Being through two of them myself and attending others, I see weddings from many different angles now. When you’re young and the idea of getting married is bright and shiny and new, you are blinded quite a bit!  It’s like a polished, chrome bumper catching the sun just right and flashing pure white light into your eyes.  The longer you wait to get married, the more you begin seeing why weddings can be a sad affair. To attend one you feel love and support for the couple, but deep down there is almost a knowing fear of what the future most likely holds.  So many marriages fall apart, and it’s a rare blessing to be part of weddings where the couple truly works to keep it going until death.  

This weekend, one of my very close and dear friends/Army bud is getting married for the second time.  I have not yet met his fiancé, but we know each other via FB (Facebook).  I am so happy he has met his match, and I am so looking forward to meeting his better half tomorrow!  I don’t know her past, and I have no idea if she has been married before, but I have nothing but love for these two people!   Bare, my friend, is like family to me.  My friend list may be shorter than most people’s, but there are very few people I would drive over five hours for, let alone 10.  He’s one of them. Trust me.  Very short list. 

So tomorrow, when I am attending the wedding of a very special and wonderful friend I have know for years, and I hear him say his vows, and I watch him and his bride walk down the aisle together, and I see them dancing at their reception, I will be so filled with love and joy, that there won’t even be any room for the painful memories still gripping me from time to time. 

All hope. All love.  All happiness.  Eternally.  

Love you Bare and Jessica.  

-Bonnie

 Me and Bare 

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I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part 2

Hmmmmmmm.  So I received some very good comments from friends about Part 1.  You guys truly make me think about things a bit more, and I LOVE getting feedback and/or encouragement!  It motivates me to write more often.  Whether or not you want to read this shit more often, well, I’m not holding a gun to your head. 

Anyway, so I need to stop trying to find this ideal I have in my head.  It does get a bit discouraging when hope begins to wane more and more each day, but it’ll happen. Right? Maybe?  One of these years?  So back to the title!

I tried to think about the times where I messed up in past relationships, and I figured out it was when I stopped being me.  I mean, some relationships ended due to the idiot I was with at the time, and I was a fool for even being with that person in the first place!  I have got to learn my lesson there and stop lowering my standards to the point of being blindly stupid!  Ugh!  So yeah.  I have a quick temper at times, but it dissipates just as quickly.  Sometimes the blood boils before the brain gets a proper second to actually think about what’s going on or being said.  I really do try to be open.  The biggest issue I have is saying what I feel.  This is hard.  I am much better at writing!  It gives me a chance to think before I spew out craziness!  But when you’re with someone who puts you down for saying how you feel, it just builds up more resistance about sharing those things.  So now I have a more difficult challenge for the future!  Oh joy!

Being a good wife to some people means taking care of your man.  Oh the feminists just got a bit warm with that one!  And it makes sense.  To a point!  There are limits.  Women are no longer stupid and popping out babies at home (ok, not ALL of them).  This has brought in a rather new side to the whole marriage thing.  I don’t expect a husband to take complete care of me.  I think it should be pretty split.  If I lose a job and need the support, there ya go!  And vice versa!  I feel that I should want to do those extra things wives should do.  It’s about respect and sharing and being grateful and not taking eachother for granted.  That’s hard.  It’s easy to get used to the other half doing things for you and not giving those actions a second thought.  I like feedback.  I like to hear and say thank you.  Not half-assed but genuine.  Why does this fade so easily?  Better yet, why do we let it fade in the first place?  

Ever since my little adventure begin last November, I have let go of a lot of the things in my life, such as stuff!  At times I feel like I should just sell everything in my storage unit. Other times I think of how much it would cost to replace all that crap!  Ugh!  I just don’t know.  So I guess any man in my future would have to be lower on the materialism scale.  I mean, I like nice things, don’t get me wrong, but it is all just stuff in the end.  Stuff!  Crap!  Randomness no one else will enjoy much of when I die!  It’s just the way it is.  

So where could this guy be?  I keep trying to define him a bit more each time, but he is really super awesome at playing hide and seek!  Seriously though. I’m cool with blind dates!  I’m down for a group, blind date!  Bring it!!!  I need to get out more anyway!!!  Hiking anyone?  Maybe some indoor rock climbing?  Rangers game?  Lez go!!!!  🙂

Hopefully this guy won’t mind when I blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m cleaning!  Hopefully he won’t mind too much when I drive fast.  The reason I don’t own anything sporty!  There is a frickin fly somewhere in this room that keeps buzzing me from time to time. It’s dark, and I can’t see it!  Stupid bug!!!!  Anyway, hopefully this guy would take the initiative and kill this bug for me!!!!!  Hopefully this guy thinks it’s cute when I walk through the flower section at the grocery store to smell everything.  Yes.  I do this!  Even when I am alone.  It makes me smile.  🙂

Perhaps I turn out to be an ok wife in the future.  I’ll always try to make him happy.  I will play Call of Duty of the XBox, just not ALL the time.  Sometimes I want to play Tomb Raider or Skyrim!  Yep!  My geek points went up for admitting that!  Yay!  I’ll cook if you wash the dishes, because that is my least favorite part about cooking.  I will not get upset if the food I cook is not very good, but he’d have to be honest about it.  There is nothing worse than someone lying to not hurt feelings all the while knowing they are setting up their doom down the line.  That crappy dish would be made again and again unless something is said about it.  I know I can be frustrating. I’m a girl. Alright, woman.  But that doesn’t mean hormones don’t take over from time to time, and I can cry when a sad commercial comes on or be easily aggravated for no reason. It happens.  Sometimes it can’t be helped, but I will always apologize when I know I’m in the wrong.  Guy has to love cats and dogs and horses and animals in general.  The kindness he shows to animals (and his mom and my daughter) says a lot more about character than most people realize.  The way he treats strangers is also a big character giveaway.  

I think I am putting too much thought into this dream guy, but I know the right one is out there.  Somewhere.  I will find this particular piece of cheese somewhere in this maze!  Maybe he’s a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack?  I can only hope!  So my conclusion from all this is that no, I won’t be a good wife.  I’ll be fucking awesome!  As awesome as possible. Damn bug again!!!!  Argh!!!!  I will be far from perfect, and I will always have emotional baggage, but I will try to dump as much of that crap as possible before meeting him.  As I’ve said before, I’m still working on me, but it can’t hurt to start looking now, right?  Well, I’m doing A LOT of looking. I can look dammit!!!  Doesn’t mean I’m making any moves.  Or eye contact.  :-/

So with that I am going to sleep.  It has been a busy week, and I am tired.  By the way, I got my new skates in today!!!!!  Gave them a 14 mile test skate, and I am absolutely in love with them!!!  😀 

Good night and happy dreams!!!!

-Bonnie

   

         

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Oh No! I’m Thinking Again…

And you, my dear reader, are in for a deeper look inside my brain. Not that that’s entirely a bad thing! I promise! But! If you don’t feel like reading my complete, utter randomness, please feel free to pass right on over this one. No judgment whatsoever. Of course now I have you hooked so you won’t be able to skip over this entry. Tee hee hee!!!!

So, car living and house sitting start making you think about your life a bit differently. At least for me anyway. I have started to see just how much junk there is in my life. How much junk there is around me. How much junk I just want when I know I don’t need it. It’s amazing to me how having this stuff seems to make life better when it really doesn’t. Lemme splain. Currently I am looking ahead to the next couple months when I plan to live under a roof again. I was thinking about getting an apartment, but geez. The thought of rent and bills and loud neighbors is such a turn off. Plus I don’t feel like moving furniture out of storage and all that crap. I just dread the whole moving thing again. The reason why I dread moving is due to the fact that I am probably just going to hop right back into my car again once it cools down. Seriously, the thought of how much I can save is like an addiction now. It’s just so awesome being able to save for a future rather than spend it on things like electricity. Yeah. I totally went there. For now I am looking to rent a room. If I could survive a Texas summer in my car I would do it, but I dig air conditioning. It’s pretty cool! Aaaaaaah!!!! See what I did there? Mmhmm. I went there too! 😛

That was my first set of thoughts. Now onto my second set. I started thinking about marriage. Yes. I know. I seem to be good at failing this. I see these couples who have been together their whole lives, and I just wish I knew how they found each other. Take me for instance. My first marriage was due to stupidity. There are plenty of details of why we were not meant to be, but those are between him and me. We get along great now, but it was a different story for a long time. We were very young and very stupid, and it just didn’t work. I believe our lives are better because of this. Not that it wasn’t difficult for us both, but with how things have turned out, I believe we are both much happier about our outcomes. Then there’s marriage number two. Before I go into this one, believe me when I say that marriage and divorce is not something I take lightly. Never did I ever think that either one would end. For me, the thought of being married was supposed to be an until death do us part bond for eternity. Obviously not. :-/ The second one, well, that was a love at first sight situation. No one knew what I saw in this guy. Hell! I don’t know what I saw in this guy! But I gave him all of me. My heart, my soul, everything. We fought before we were married too. Wow did we fight! He pushed me once. I went flying back thankfully landing on the bed. Those who know me also know that I am not some teeny tiny little twig of a woman. That should have been my biggest red flag right there. Did I pay attention to it? Of course not! But I did tell him if he ever did it again I would kill him. Obviously he never did it again. He had realized he almost lost me after that fight, and we kept going. We got married. We were happy. And we would still fight. So many red flags. So many mind fucks from this guy that I began losing myself.

We ended up moving to Kauai, because that is where we got married, and we decided to just do it. If we didn’t move then, we would never do it. We would have fallen victim to comfort and habit and age. So we took the leap. Within three months he mentioned divorce to me, because I wasn’t as happy as he wanted me to be. Yeah. I know. So of course I promised to be happier. He was just ready to leave me and my daughter there. He had already planned it all out. Needless to say I walked on eggshells the rest of our marriage. Mentally everything was my fault. Our passion went down the drain, because I couldn’t let him see that I wasn’t always ecstatic around him. If I ever cried because we fought, he would tell me I was guilt tripping him. Always guilt tripping. I allowed this man to wash away who I truly was. I had to hide my soul from this man. When I went through my cancer scare (yeah, most of you don’t know about that, I carried that burden mostly alone) he allowed me to deal with it in my own. He never supported me. He never tried to help me by making me feel better or telling me everything would be ok. If I let it get to me and I cried? Guess what I was doing. If you guessed guilt tripping you get a gold star!!!

He got into an accident on Kauai one night. He was hit by a car which basically shatter his hip. The ball joint was just fucked. He almost divorced me again, because of the way I acted at the hospital. I wasn’t dramatic enough. Seriously! I had to talk to the police officer who had been on the scene, as well as the doctors. Here’s the kicker. He said that if his mother were there, she would be frantic and crying and yelling, and obviously I didn’t care about him, because I wasn’t a complete emotional disaster. I am so not kidding! So that was divorce announcement number two. We ended up moving to Oahu for a year after that, because he wanted to be near a city. We hardly ever went to the city. He hardly ever went anywhere unless I could drag him out. I was always at the beach if I could be. I was hiking or hanging out on the north shore or snorkeling or doing something. I loved living in Hawaii. I felt at home there. So he wanted to move back to Texas. I could stay in Hawaii and we could get divorced (yep, number three), or we could move back together. I did what any good wife would do. I left paradise to move back to Texas with that asshole. Not that it was entirely terrible or anything! My family lives in Texas. I have friends in Texas. I spent half my life in Texas. So why the hell not, right?

Back in Texas. Life is not so great. Both of us going through our daily grinds. Neither of us putting in the effort anymore. Oh I would try! I would do these things I called love days. Basically, I would get him a card or sometimes I would get him something silly or something he wanted or cook a nice dinner. You know just a random day where I would try to be sweet. In the beginning he did them as well. He didn’t do them anymore. It was just me. We never fought anymore. I just took the blame for anything that went wrong to avoid any yelling. I started working. A lot. I put in so many hours that he began thinking I was cheating on him. And you know what. In a way it might have been. I dreaded being near him. I didn’t want to go home anymore. I started smoking again after having quit for years. I would get home and dinner was a couple beers. After checking my phone and reading through my emails with no evidence of any actual cheating going on, we fell apart even more. The fact that he even suspected me of doing anything was enough to break my heart and lose my trust in him. One day out on the lake with some friends, was out last “fun” day together. On the drive back home that night, he asked for a divorce for the fourth time. He had finally convinced me, and I agreed. The next morning he asked if we could go over who got to keep what. So, like robots, we split things up. It was settled. It was over. We weren’t happy anymore. I was an emotional disaster at this point. I had lost a ton of weight. I would break down and cry for just a quick thought of my ended marriage. It was so bad that the president of the company I worked for at the time talked to my boss about my stability at work. I took on extra duties to keep my mind occupied, but I was just a stressed out mess of a woman. It was supposed to be forever. He was supposed to love me as much as I loved him. He was supposed to be there for me during my dark times. Lord knows I was always there for his. Supporting him when he didn’t work. Helping him after his accident. Being there when he needed me. Why couldn’t I have gotten that in return? What was so wrong with me, that he had me believing I wasn’t worth that effort? What was the exact point he finally convinced me that everything was my fault and nothing I did would ever be right or good enough or perfect or what he really wanted? What was wrong with me? I allowed this man to get inside my head so much that I lost who I truly was.

This man, who I loved with all of my being, shattered my heart into a thousand pieces while twisting my mind into a pathetic excuse of one. It was so bad that I allowed myself to be in a rebound relationship that was even worse. I found the jealous guy. I was weak and insecure and stupid. I found the arrogant asshole this time around. I’m not even going to get into the details of that one. All I am going to say is that I began to wake up. I began to see things as they truly were, and I began to realize how much I missed me. Call it self awareness. I wanted to be me again, and I ended that one. All me. All on my terms. I began to build my strength only to find another loser after that. My most recent “boyfriend” who really wasn’t one. We never “did” anything either! Yeah. I know. TMI. That was pathetic. Then it became stressful. Putting pieces together I figured out the guy was a complete sociopath. It was amazing how he fit the definition perfectly, and when I ended it, he became angry. He claimed I publicly defamed him, and that he had proof. Nope. Never did that. Then he said he reported me to Facebook claiming I threatened him. Fucking serious? Never did that either. I was reported to the online FBI database for public defamation. Got to be shitting me! The best part? He claimed to have sent a letter to the Texas Supreme Court saying he had proof that I publicly defamed him and ruined his chances at future employment. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah! This time I found a new type of asshole! My sister had set me up with this guy!!! She and her husband had known him for over five years! She felt terrible!!! Needless to say she is no longer friends with him. Seriously though. What vibe am I putting out there for these losers??? What the F is wrong with me?!?? It seems I still have some soul searching to do.

What’s funny is that even after all of this crap, I just want to find someone to love and be loved in return. Why is that so much to ask? I am learning to love myself more and more each day, but I still feel the need to be with someone. You know, to share stupid things with and laugh about a movie we watched or cook dinner together or rub each other’s feet while watching some ridiculous show on tv or go hiking together or camping or traveling or hell, grocery shopping! What does it take to find this person?

I guess what I need to stop doing is thinking about all of this. I need to focus on being me. I need to live in the now. I need to enjoy life and fall in love with all its wonder and beauty. Maybe I just needed to write down the past and get it out of my system. Maybe sharing my experiences can help others. I know there are people who will read this and judge me or think they know me. Truth is we don’t know anything about anyone else. No matter what we will never truly understand what someone has been through or what they may be going through. What I have written this evening is only a snippet of my life. It is a quick glance at what has made me who I am today. I do not regret any of the things I have done. Two divorces? Yeah. That looks terrible. It is something others use to judge me, but that’s not all of who I am. I am loving and kind, and I love to make people laugh. I love to encourage others and make people feel good about themselves. I enjoy making others happy. I am considerate and respectful. I treat other people’s things as if they were my own. The few people in my circle know I will always be there for them any way I can. All they have to do is ask, and I will run to them. But I am not all love and bubbles and rainbows and glitter. I don’t like most people. I’m talking strangers. I don’t mind being in large crowds if I have a friend with me, but I am NOT going to a mall by myself. I have been to a concert by myself, and that was weird enough. I’ll eat alone at places, but that’s not too bad. I have yet to do the alone movie thing. Still have to do that one! I have done the alone traveling thing. That’s rough! Fun but rough! I have lived alone plenty. I have done enough on my own to know who I am. I’m sure there are more things I need to do sans company, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Life is so much better when it’s shared with others! So much more beautiful when shared with those you care about!

So there you have it. That is where my head has been tonight. A bit depressing and long and blah blah blah. If you made it this far then kudos to you! You brave soul who dared to venture into the unknown of my past. Things I have not shared with but maybe two people. All I know is that my heart is open. After all the pain and all the sorrow I still have hope. I will not allow myself to become so hardened that I refuse to allow myself to be happy. Life is far too short to hold myself back and keep my heart behind walls. I have hope. Lots and lots of hope. 🙂

Good night and sweet dreams. :*

-Bonnie

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