Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Adulting Is Exhausting

So I have decided to grow up again, and my apartment hunt is on.  Although I was hoping to be back in the car in the winter, there has been this constant nagging in the back of my head to rejoin “normal” society.  Please shoot me.  Apartment hunting is just as bad as house hunting, and no, I am not going to buy a house.  I am sure that’s probably a stupid idea, but in my stupid mind I do NOT want to feel as though I am tied down. I don’t want the burden of owning my own home again.  I don’t want to be the one who has to replace the water heater when it goes out.  Lonely home ownership is not on my to-do list of uber responsibility.  That is far too much adulting for me!

If you’ve kept up with my random ramblings over the past few months, you know I am currently staying at my dad’s house over the summer so that my mini me has a place to stay while I am in limbo.  I figured it is time to make a choice. Like I said, it’s this nagging sensation.  Which is kinda funny to me in a way.  I believe I am decently normal.  I mean, the way that society sees me anyway.  I have an excellent job.  I go to the gym.  I pay my taxes.  I contribute to the economy.  I don’t have run-ins with the law.  I don’t do drugs (alcohol does not count).  All things a typical, run-of-the-mill citizen does right?  I am pretty frickin boring actually.  Wow!  I am totally boring!  

But boringness aside.  I have a pretty kick ass life.  To those who don’t know me at all, I am just another one of those people who blends in with all the others. Ok.  Maybe I don’t blend that well since I usually tower over most people I stand next to, but you get the point.   Since I began this weird, self-discovery journey thing, I have become more self aware of where I stand in the great chain of things. I know who I am.  I have a sarcastic sense of humor that not everyone understands. I know I can drive some people nuts with my weirdness.  I am driven to succeed in whatever path I choose.  I love to be outside.  As much as I enjoy being alone, it can also suck.  Sometimes I wish I had more friends, but that list just kind of shrinks more and more as I get older.  So that sort of sucks.  But anyway, enough about who I think I am.   Back to this whole stupid apartment hunt shit.  Ugh!  

So, searching for apartments has of course become “easier” since you can look online.  I did this for my last apartment.   Then you get a $200 gift card in the mail for using their locater and yadda yadda.   Well, I have come to find out just how picky one can be when it comes to apartment hunting.  I have a general idea of where I want to live, but it’s so expensive.  That is why the whole buying a house thing was mentioned earlier. It’s pretty much like making a house payment for something you don’t own.   But!  You get a pool and a balcony and landscaping and maintenance and noisy neighbors and maybe a gate and a basketball court and access to bike trails and convenience all rolled into it, so I think it’s worth it.  I just need to really decide how much I want to fork over every month for those amenities.  My safe price range puts me nearly into ghettoville.  Not that I couldn’t pay more, but it’s just ridiculous!  I would love to get a studio or efficiency, but those are just nonexistent outside of the downtown areas, or Irving.  Nope!  Not living in Irving.  I would just assume to avoid Dallas for the rest of my life, you know, except for the occasional kick ass concert or gathering with friends, maybe a Mavs or Stars game. Ok fine.  There’s a lot of cool stuff to do there.  I just refuse to live there.  I work in Fort Worth anyway, why would I want to live that far away?  So anyway, apartment hunting is becoming a nightmare.  I have dealt with Section 8 apartments.  They’re definitely in my price range!  But wait! What was that?  I make too much money as a single person.  Seriously?!?!  So nice to know that since I make more that I get to pay $200-300 more a month to live in a box.  Frustrating!  No wonder some people just give up on striving for more.  I mean, what’s the point?  The more you make the more you pay out the ass!  Sorry.  Thankfully I was brought up to work hard and be responsible for my own actions and their consequences.  It’s not easy, but oh well.  No one ever said life was going to be smooth sailing.  

But oh God this whole adulting thing is stressful.  I don’t want to act my age, but there are circumstances where it’s necessary to act like an adult.  I am a mom, and even that is difficult to be at times.  Maybe that came out wrong.  It’s not hard to be a mom, it’s hard to convey the image of being a mom around other moms.   Does that make sense? Most of my daughter’s friend’s mothers are about 10 years older than me.  Most have multiple children.  Some are super sweet, but the majority are seemingly materialistic and underlyingly catty.  Would I ever tell them I lived in my car for a few months?  Hell no!  Would I ever hang out with them voluntarily on a Friday night?  Probably not.  I may like nice shoes, but I don’t go out shopping, and I don’t care whose name is on a purse (which I don’t carry), and I don’t care about labels, and I don’t care that my car is dirty, and I just don’t care about that pointless crap.  It’s all just a façade.  It’s a projected image of status, and it is beyond me.  I know image is important.  That’s a given.  I’ll dress and act the part when needed, but I would prefer to just be myself.  It all comes down to perceptions.  How the hell did I get on this tangent?!  Holy crap I veered way off course.  I guess it’s been so long since my last post that I am just full of total randomness!!!!  It is spewing out like a really bad night out on the town that went south quickly!  Holy hell!

Anyway, I think I am just going to shut it down there!  I could probably blah blah blah for the rest of the day, and then you could just use this post as a sleep aid.  So with that, I am going to spend some time with my angel pie.  I hope you have a beautiful day!  Go make a memory, have an adventure, smile.  

Ciao for now!

-Bonnie

   
       

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I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part 2

Hmmmmmmm.  So I received some very good comments from friends about Part 1.  You guys truly make me think about things a bit more, and I LOVE getting feedback and/or encouragement!  It motivates me to write more often.  Whether or not you want to read this shit more often, well, I’m not holding a gun to your head. 

Anyway, so I need to stop trying to find this ideal I have in my head.  It does get a bit discouraging when hope begins to wane more and more each day, but it’ll happen. Right? Maybe?  One of these years?  So back to the title!

I tried to think about the times where I messed up in past relationships, and I figured out it was when I stopped being me.  I mean, some relationships ended due to the idiot I was with at the time, and I was a fool for even being with that person in the first place!  I have got to learn my lesson there and stop lowering my standards to the point of being blindly stupid!  Ugh!  So yeah.  I have a quick temper at times, but it dissipates just as quickly.  Sometimes the blood boils before the brain gets a proper second to actually think about what’s going on or being said.  I really do try to be open.  The biggest issue I have is saying what I feel.  This is hard.  I am much better at writing!  It gives me a chance to think before I spew out craziness!  But when you’re with someone who puts you down for saying how you feel, it just builds up more resistance about sharing those things.  So now I have a more difficult challenge for the future!  Oh joy!

Being a good wife to some people means taking care of your man.  Oh the feminists just got a bit warm with that one!  And it makes sense.  To a point!  There are limits.  Women are no longer stupid and popping out babies at home (ok, not ALL of them).  This has brought in a rather new side to the whole marriage thing.  I don’t expect a husband to take complete care of me.  I think it should be pretty split.  If I lose a job and need the support, there ya go!  And vice versa!  I feel that I should want to do those extra things wives should do.  It’s about respect and sharing and being grateful and not taking eachother for granted.  That’s hard.  It’s easy to get used to the other half doing things for you and not giving those actions a second thought.  I like feedback.  I like to hear and say thank you.  Not half-assed but genuine.  Why does this fade so easily?  Better yet, why do we let it fade in the first place?  

Ever since my little adventure begin last November, I have let go of a lot of the things in my life, such as stuff!  At times I feel like I should just sell everything in my storage unit. Other times I think of how much it would cost to replace all that crap!  Ugh!  I just don’t know.  So I guess any man in my future would have to be lower on the materialism scale.  I mean, I like nice things, don’t get me wrong, but it is all just stuff in the end.  Stuff!  Crap!  Randomness no one else will enjoy much of when I die!  It’s just the way it is.  

So where could this guy be?  I keep trying to define him a bit more each time, but he is really super awesome at playing hide and seek!  Seriously though. I’m cool with blind dates!  I’m down for a group, blind date!  Bring it!!!  I need to get out more anyway!!!  Hiking anyone?  Maybe some indoor rock climbing?  Rangers game?  Lez go!!!!  🙂

Hopefully this guy won’t mind when I blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m cleaning!  Hopefully he won’t mind too much when I drive fast.  The reason I don’t own anything sporty!  There is a frickin fly somewhere in this room that keeps buzzing me from time to time. It’s dark, and I can’t see it!  Stupid bug!!!!  Anyway, hopefully this guy would take the initiative and kill this bug for me!!!!!  Hopefully this guy thinks it’s cute when I walk through the flower section at the grocery store to smell everything.  Yes.  I do this!  Even when I am alone.  It makes me smile.  🙂

Perhaps I turn out to be an ok wife in the future.  I’ll always try to make him happy.  I will play Call of Duty of the XBox, just not ALL the time.  Sometimes I want to play Tomb Raider or Skyrim!  Yep!  My geek points went up for admitting that!  Yay!  I’ll cook if you wash the dishes, because that is my least favorite part about cooking.  I will not get upset if the food I cook is not very good, but he’d have to be honest about it.  There is nothing worse than someone lying to not hurt feelings all the while knowing they are setting up their doom down the line.  That crappy dish would be made again and again unless something is said about it.  I know I can be frustrating. I’m a girl. Alright, woman.  But that doesn’t mean hormones don’t take over from time to time, and I can cry when a sad commercial comes on or be easily aggravated for no reason. It happens.  Sometimes it can’t be helped, but I will always apologize when I know I’m in the wrong.  Guy has to love cats and dogs and horses and animals in general.  The kindness he shows to animals (and his mom and my daughter) says a lot more about character than most people realize.  The way he treats strangers is also a big character giveaway.  

I think I am putting too much thought into this dream guy, but I know the right one is out there.  Somewhere.  I will find this particular piece of cheese somewhere in this maze!  Maybe he’s a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack?  I can only hope!  So my conclusion from all this is that no, I won’t be a good wife.  I’ll be fucking awesome!  As awesome as possible. Damn bug again!!!!  Argh!!!!  I will be far from perfect, and I will always have emotional baggage, but I will try to dump as much of that crap as possible before meeting him.  As I’ve said before, I’m still working on me, but it can’t hurt to start looking now, right?  Well, I’m doing A LOT of looking. I can look dammit!!!  Doesn’t mean I’m making any moves.  Or eye contact.  :-/

So with that I am going to sleep.  It has been a busy week, and I am tired.  By the way, I got my new skates in today!!!!!  Gave them a 14 mile test skate, and I am absolutely in love with them!!!  😀 

Good night and happy dreams!!!!

-Bonnie

   

         

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