Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Sometimes I Feel Lost…

There are times in my life where I feel as though my ship has drifted off its course. There are times when I feel like the universe has aligned the planets just for me. When things fall into place, I feel as though I am on top of the world. It’s like a bow-of-the-Titanic sort of feeling. Well, prior to the whole iceberg thing, but you know what I’m saying. So when things aren’t going the way they “should”, it’s frustrating as all hell. Like why? Whyyyyyyyyyy??????? Why can’t things continuously go with the flow?? What did I do to fuck all of this up???? Why is the universe/God/existence/karma/whatever trying to punish me? What in the world could I have gotten so wrong?

It’s funny. Life does NOT work out according to plan. Ok. According to MY plan. But still. It’s MY life dammit! Every time I think things are going the way I planned them to, they are upended by life. Things change. Circumstances change. The universe feels I should be moving in a completely different direction from where I am currently headed. It gets frustrating. Some of you may totally understand what I am trying to convey. Some of you will say this life is not really ours, it belongs to God or god or whomever. Some will say this isn’t even real anyway. Everyone has an idea or a lesson or an experience that helps them answer this question to themselves, and it’s amazing how most everyone believes their views are the correct ones. But! That’s a discussion for a different time. When that one comes up I’ll throw in some money and politics for fun! Hahaha!!!

Anyway. Back to being derailed by the powers and energies that be. We all know life has its ups and downs. People are born. People die. There are miracles. There are disasters. It all comes back around to the balance of it all. Something any of my sadist blog readers know I am a huge believer of. You can’t have highs without lows. And you can’t appreciate those highs without being brought to your knees. It’s a vicious cycle that all you can do is learn to prepare for. And even in that there lies a balance. Spend too much time preparing for the worst, and you won’t get to enjoy the best. Worrying too much about the future takes the experience away from the now. Remaining stuck in the past keeps you from applying those past lessons to your future. And on and on and on it goes. It only stops when we’re dead, I guess.

And here I go again not really answering anything at all. I continue to have my crazy highs and lows in life, and just when I get comfortable the universe says move along there’s nothing to see here anymore. Gee thanks a billion! I really need to work on my worrying though! I’m really good about stressing myself out the instant I feel I need to fix whatever just happened. So I jump on the problem and freak the fuck out and stress myself out. Thankfully I have people in my life who know what to say to get me to be in the moment, take a deep breath, and realize I’ve got this. Stop worrying about the things I can’t control. Do what is in my power and roll along with what is thrown at me. Sometimes you have to duck and dodge. Sometimes you have to block. Sometimes you just have to take it. Sometimes you have to throw something back. But nothing sharp though! We don’t want to gouge anything! It’s always fun and games until someone loses an eye!

Well, I hope I succeeded in getting the wheels turning and the gears grinding and not answering any questions I asked myself. Eh. It happens. Keep living and loving life as best you can. Remember, you got this!

-Bonnie

Sometimes the simplest views are where all the beauty goes to show off. All about the little things… 😊

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Wait!  I’m An Adult?!

It’s funny!  To me anyway. Every year we celebrate our birthdays.  We celebrate aging another year, and as we celebrate the fact that we were brought into this world to share our awesomeness, we realize how mortal we are.  It hits us harder each year that we are creeping closer and closer to our death.  Eventually our birthdays become celebrations that we actually made it a whole, entire year. Maybe without breaking a hip or having a joint replaced.  

I bring this up, because well, at the wise age of 36, I am creeping up on my “middle” age, and I finally realized I am an adult.  Yes.  I have been a mom for the past 15 1/2 years, but not even that made me feel adultish. That just made me feel like a mom.  I may have worked in the same industry on and off again since high school for an accumulated 13 or so years, but even that didn’t make me feel like an adult.  At least, not until recently.  Lemme splain.  I am no expert in what I do.  I will never ever ever ever ever ever claim to know everything.  Ever!  There is always so much to learn and expand on in whatever my field is.  I mean, how can you know it all if you don’t even know exactly what you are/do?  Anyway, off topic.  Back on track. See what I did there?  Yeah you did!

So!  I know a few things in my field.  I have experienced a few things in my field.  I have figured out a few things in my field.  This has made me slightly knowledgeable.  Scary thought!  I kid!  Knowing the odd things that I do, prompts other people to ask me questions about my thoughts and opinions on certain things that I have experience with.  That!  That has made me realize I am an adult.  It has also made me realize I am quite a bit older than some people I work with, but enough about that.  My aging is inevitable.  Being asked what I would do, that made me feel important in a way.  That I might actually know something and be able to contribute to someone or something else.  Maybe that should have made me feel more like an active member of society and the team I work with, but no.  It made me realize I have adulted.  I have evolved into a full adult.  There’s no going back now.  I can’t reverse that thinking even though I want to at times. 

This I’m-an-adult-now thinking has followed me to family events and haunts my daily activities.  I am no longer a “kid” at family functions. A realization I hate to admit, because the kids get to have the most fun!  Duh!  Adults have fun too, I know, but the kids don’t have to clean up and do dishes and blah blah blah. You know what I am saying.  Yes.  Alcohol can make those things more enjoyable, but still.  I’m trying to cut way down on the imbibing.  

Yeah.  Work is what started this whole train of thought.  Ha!  I did it again.  If you didn’t know by now, I work in the railroad industry.  Now you’ll get ALL the jokes!  Hahaha!!!!  Sucker!  Anyway, work.  Work got this rolling along.  I mean, it’s not like I never took my job seriously before I was struck with adultom, it just wasn’t seen that way.  It wasn’t made visible yet to me that my opinion actually has some merit from time to time.  I’m sure people talk badly behind my back now and again, but I am also sure some people tell others to ask me whatever question it is they have just asked.  It’s just funny to realize it one, random day out in the shop.  I had been asked numerous questions by that same person, but that one time was different somehow.    Now my thinking has forever changed.  I may not always act like an adult, but now I can’t deny that I am one.  It sort of sucks.  

With that I will let all the youngins continue their adulting.  Now I just get to whine that I don’t want to adult.  Period.   My “ing” has aged without grace. 

-Bonnie
Me in my twenties:

…and that flower looks like it could be a questionable emoji. 😂😂😂
Thirties:

How I feel about being a full-blown adult:

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