Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Oh No! I’m Thinking Again…

And you, my dear reader, are in for a deeper look inside my brain. Not that that’s entirely a bad thing! I promise! But! If you don’t feel like reading my complete, utter randomness, please feel free to pass right on over this one. No judgment whatsoever. Of course now I have you hooked so you won’t be able to skip over this entry. Tee hee hee!!!!

So, car living and house sitting start making you think about your life a bit differently. At least for me anyway. I have started to see just how much junk there is in my life. How much junk there is around me. How much junk I just want when I know I don’t need it. It’s amazing to me how having this stuff seems to make life better when it really doesn’t. Lemme splain. Currently I am looking ahead to the next couple months when I plan to live under a roof again. I was thinking about getting an apartment, but geez. The thought of rent and bills and loud neighbors is such a turn off. Plus I don’t feel like moving furniture out of storage and all that crap. I just dread the whole moving thing again. The reason why I dread moving is due to the fact that I am probably just going to hop right back into my car again once it cools down. Seriously, the thought of how much I can save is like an addiction now. It’s just so awesome being able to save for a future rather than spend it on things like electricity. Yeah. I totally went there. For now I am looking to rent a room. If I could survive a Texas summer in my car I would do it, but I dig air conditioning. It’s pretty cool! Aaaaaaah!!!! See what I did there? Mmhmm. I went there too! 😛

That was my first set of thoughts. Now onto my second set. I started thinking about marriage. Yes. I know. I seem to be good at failing this. I see these couples who have been together their whole lives, and I just wish I knew how they found each other. Take me for instance. My first marriage was due to stupidity. There are plenty of details of why we were not meant to be, but those are between him and me. We get along great now, but it was a different story for a long time. We were very young and very stupid, and it just didn’t work. I believe our lives are better because of this. Not that it wasn’t difficult for us both, but with how things have turned out, I believe we are both much happier about our outcomes. Then there’s marriage number two. Before I go into this one, believe me when I say that marriage and divorce is not something I take lightly. Never did I ever think that either one would end. For me, the thought of being married was supposed to be an until death do us part bond for eternity. Obviously not. :-/ The second one, well, that was a love at first sight situation. No one knew what I saw in this guy. Hell! I don’t know what I saw in this guy! But I gave him all of me. My heart, my soul, everything. We fought before we were married too. Wow did we fight! He pushed me once. I went flying back thankfully landing on the bed. Those who know me also know that I am not some teeny tiny little twig of a woman. That should have been my biggest red flag right there. Did I pay attention to it? Of course not! But I did tell him if he ever did it again I would kill him. Obviously he never did it again. He had realized he almost lost me after that fight, and we kept going. We got married. We were happy. And we would still fight. So many red flags. So many mind fucks from this guy that I began losing myself.

We ended up moving to Kauai, because that is where we got married, and we decided to just do it. If we didn’t move then, we would never do it. We would have fallen victim to comfort and habit and age. So we took the leap. Within three months he mentioned divorce to me, because I wasn’t as happy as he wanted me to be. Yeah. I know. So of course I promised to be happier. He was just ready to leave me and my daughter there. He had already planned it all out. Needless to say I walked on eggshells the rest of our marriage. Mentally everything was my fault. Our passion went down the drain, because I couldn’t let him see that I wasn’t always ecstatic around him. If I ever cried because we fought, he would tell me I was guilt tripping him. Always guilt tripping. I allowed this man to wash away who I truly was. I had to hide my soul from this man. When I went through my cancer scare (yeah, most of you don’t know about that, I carried that burden mostly alone) he allowed me to deal with it in my own. He never supported me. He never tried to help me by making me feel better or telling me everything would be ok. If I let it get to me and I cried? Guess what I was doing. If you guessed guilt tripping you get a gold star!!!

He got into an accident on Kauai one night. He was hit by a car which basically shatter his hip. The ball joint was just fucked. He almost divorced me again, because of the way I acted at the hospital. I wasn’t dramatic enough. Seriously! I had to talk to the police officer who had been on the scene, as well as the doctors. Here’s the kicker. He said that if his mother were there, she would be frantic and crying and yelling, and obviously I didn’t care about him, because I wasn’t a complete emotional disaster. I am so not kidding! So that was divorce announcement number two. We ended up moving to Oahu for a year after that, because he wanted to be near a city. We hardly ever went to the city. He hardly ever went anywhere unless I could drag him out. I was always at the beach if I could be. I was hiking or hanging out on the north shore or snorkeling or doing something. I loved living in Hawaii. I felt at home there. So he wanted to move back to Texas. I could stay in Hawaii and we could get divorced (yep, number three), or we could move back together. I did what any good wife would do. I left paradise to move back to Texas with that asshole. Not that it was entirely terrible or anything! My family lives in Texas. I have friends in Texas. I spent half my life in Texas. So why the hell not, right?

Back in Texas. Life is not so great. Both of us going through our daily grinds. Neither of us putting in the effort anymore. Oh I would try! I would do these things I called love days. Basically, I would get him a card or sometimes I would get him something silly or something he wanted or cook a nice dinner. You know just a random day where I would try to be sweet. In the beginning he did them as well. He didn’t do them anymore. It was just me. We never fought anymore. I just took the blame for anything that went wrong to avoid any yelling. I started working. A lot. I put in so many hours that he began thinking I was cheating on him. And you know what. In a way it might have been. I dreaded being near him. I didn’t want to go home anymore. I started smoking again after having quit for years. I would get home and dinner was a couple beers. After checking my phone and reading through my emails with no evidence of any actual cheating going on, we fell apart even more. The fact that he even suspected me of doing anything was enough to break my heart and lose my trust in him. One day out on the lake with some friends, was out last “fun” day together. On the drive back home that night, he asked for a divorce for the fourth time. He had finally convinced me, and I agreed. The next morning he asked if we could go over who got to keep what. So, like robots, we split things up. It was settled. It was over. We weren’t happy anymore. I was an emotional disaster at this point. I had lost a ton of weight. I would break down and cry for just a quick thought of my ended marriage. It was so bad that the president of the company I worked for at the time talked to my boss about my stability at work. I took on extra duties to keep my mind occupied, but I was just a stressed out mess of a woman. It was supposed to be forever. He was supposed to love me as much as I loved him. He was supposed to be there for me during my dark times. Lord knows I was always there for his. Supporting him when he didn’t work. Helping him after his accident. Being there when he needed me. Why couldn’t I have gotten that in return? What was so wrong with me, that he had me believing I wasn’t worth that effort? What was the exact point he finally convinced me that everything was my fault and nothing I did would ever be right or good enough or perfect or what he really wanted? What was wrong with me? I allowed this man to get inside my head so much that I lost who I truly was.

This man, who I loved with all of my being, shattered my heart into a thousand pieces while twisting my mind into a pathetic excuse of one. It was so bad that I allowed myself to be in a rebound relationship that was even worse. I found the jealous guy. I was weak and insecure and stupid. I found the arrogant asshole this time around. I’m not even going to get into the details of that one. All I am going to say is that I began to wake up. I began to see things as they truly were, and I began to realize how much I missed me. Call it self awareness. I wanted to be me again, and I ended that one. All me. All on my terms. I began to build my strength only to find another loser after that. My most recent “boyfriend” who really wasn’t one. We never “did” anything either! Yeah. I know. TMI. That was pathetic. Then it became stressful. Putting pieces together I figured out the guy was a complete sociopath. It was amazing how he fit the definition perfectly, and when I ended it, he became angry. He claimed I publicly defamed him, and that he had proof. Nope. Never did that. Then he said he reported me to Facebook claiming I threatened him. Fucking serious? Never did that either. I was reported to the online FBI database for public defamation. Got to be shitting me! The best part? He claimed to have sent a letter to the Texas Supreme Court saying he had proof that I publicly defamed him and ruined his chances at future employment. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah! This time I found a new type of asshole! My sister had set me up with this guy!!! She and her husband had known him for over five years! She felt terrible!!! Needless to say she is no longer friends with him. Seriously though. What vibe am I putting out there for these losers??? What the F is wrong with me?!?? It seems I still have some soul searching to do.

What’s funny is that even after all of this crap, I just want to find someone to love and be loved in return. Why is that so much to ask? I am learning to love myself more and more each day, but I still feel the need to be with someone. You know, to share stupid things with and laugh about a movie we watched or cook dinner together or rub each other’s feet while watching some ridiculous show on tv or go hiking together or camping or traveling or hell, grocery shopping! What does it take to find this person?

I guess what I need to stop doing is thinking about all of this. I need to focus on being me. I need to live in the now. I need to enjoy life and fall in love with all its wonder and beauty. Maybe I just needed to write down the past and get it out of my system. Maybe sharing my experiences can help others. I know there are people who will read this and judge me or think they know me. Truth is we don’t know anything about anyone else. No matter what we will never truly understand what someone has been through or what they may be going through. What I have written this evening is only a snippet of my life. It is a quick glance at what has made me who I am today. I do not regret any of the things I have done. Two divorces? Yeah. That looks terrible. It is something others use to judge me, but that’s not all of who I am. I am loving and kind, and I love to make people laugh. I love to encourage others and make people feel good about themselves. I enjoy making others happy. I am considerate and respectful. I treat other people’s things as if they were my own. The few people in my circle know I will always be there for them any way I can. All they have to do is ask, and I will run to them. But I am not all love and bubbles and rainbows and glitter. I don’t like most people. I’m talking strangers. I don’t mind being in large crowds if I have a friend with me, but I am NOT going to a mall by myself. I have been to a concert by myself, and that was weird enough. I’ll eat alone at places, but that’s not too bad. I have yet to do the alone movie thing. Still have to do that one! I have done the alone traveling thing. That’s rough! Fun but rough! I have lived alone plenty. I have done enough on my own to know who I am. I’m sure there are more things I need to do sans company, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Life is so much better when it’s shared with others! So much more beautiful when shared with those you care about!

So there you have it. That is where my head has been tonight. A bit depressing and long and blah blah blah. If you made it this far then kudos to you! You brave soul who dared to venture into the unknown of my past. Things I have not shared with but maybe two people. All I know is that my heart is open. After all the pain and all the sorrow I still have hope. I will not allow myself to become so hardened that I refuse to allow myself to be happy. Life is far too short to hold myself back and keep my heart behind walls. I have hope. Lots and lots of hope. 🙂

Good night and sweet dreams. :*

-Bonnie

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