Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

The Little Things…

They always make the biggest difference. All those little things. I can talk about all the bad ones, but that’s too easy at this point. It’s the small, sweet, kind things that have the biggest impact. You know, the kind words from friends who know you’re going through a rough patch. The random phone call to let you know someone is thinking about you, just because. Getting the last bite of someone’s dessert, because they know it’s your favorite. The smiles from complete strangers that can brighten your dull day. The wise words of people who have been there and done that. Someone putting your grill together for you while you’re at work and then breaks it in by grilling some steaks for dinner. Someone taking you out for spur of the moment ice cream. All those little things.

When life gets you down, or you’re just sort of blah. It’s like no matter how much shit the universe throws your way, it also seems to know when you need a slight break. When you’re trying your hardest to brighten other’s days, and you could use some brightening of the spirit yourself, it just happens. A funny joke. A funny story. Maybe something you do that makes you laugh at yourself for a second and hope no one else saw it happen. Even just witnessing others do kind things for their friends. All things that make me smile and feel that the world is better because of all of them. Even my own, little world. It needs those kind reassurances that there is happiness and joy and love, especially when it doesn’t feel like it.

There’s always some weirdness in my life, and sometimes it throws me off course. I get off schedule. I get flaky. I hide away in a book with not much to say to anyone. I avoid others. Even the ones I need to have around me. And I know better. I know I should be surrounded by friends and loved ones when I get this way, but for some reason it’s just easier to hide away. Not that I am truly hiding. I guess I am just better at being alone with my thoughts at times. Or maybe I’m better at hermit-ing. I don’t know. I just get blah and disappear.

So thank you to everyone who is patient with me during these periods of hiding. Your kind gestures help pull me out of my funk. You help me heal. And although it may seem like forever, it helps me see the light again and get back to being myself in due time. Those small, sweet bits of light make more difference than you’d ever realize.

So this will be short and sweet and a sort of thank you note. A nod to those who help me find my smile and my self again. To those who know me well enough to know I go through funks when life can drag me down. Don’t ever stop. For my sake, please keep them coming. I love you all. You make my life brighter in the darkest of times.

Keep smiling. It’ll help someone’s day, somewhere, when their life is blah.

-Oceangrrrl 💙

My sweet, little hairball of happiness and joy. She’s my little Sausage buddy. 😍

A place where I found a nice chunk of joy, and where I wish I still was.

Water. A place of peace. The little things…

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I Miss You…

We all miss something or someone or some time or some place or some experience. There’s a hole somewhere. A place that can only be filled with memories or imagination. I know a lot of times I’ll say I miss being a kid. And it’s not that I can’t run around or go climb trees or explore, it’s just that I make excuses that I’m tired, I want to sleep in, that’s private property, I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t have time, my knee is acting iffy, etc. It’s sad that I somehow deny myself those simple, childish joys. I feel the urge to get out and do more, but it’s so nice just relaxing in the hammock with my book or sitting on the back porch with Sausage, whose favorite thing to do is relax:

That’s Sausage. I really need to leash train that little beast so I can drag her around with me in the great outdoors. I’ll let you know if that is even a possibility. 😂

But back to missing things.

So what has brought about this sort of laziness? I miss the never ending curiousness and energy I once had. I think once you get to my age it’s not that you’re old, but it’s more that you’re well aware time is actually pretty short. I’ll be thirty-eight this year, and yeah, I know, to some people that’s not old, that’s very true. I’m not old per se, but I am old enough to understand I’m not young anymore. I’m old enough to understand that life is short, and I need to spend time with the ones I love before time runs out. That also means I understand I have a limited amount of time to try things I’ve never done and enjoy things I love to do. Still, I don’t do them (not all of them anyway). And I know I’ll miss them if I let them slip away.

It is a curious thing to try to understand why these choices are made. It sort of circles back to my post about those super go go go people. It’s like they totally understand time is short and are doing everything they can to fill it. Then there are those people who really just don’t gaf. They let time go by and, well, maybe it doesn’t matter if they don’t care. Maybe that’s just one of the “keys” to getting through life happily (or just getting through it). You either understand and act upon squeezing as much life in as you can, or you go through life not caring so it doesn’t bother you? Am I an in-between-er? Is that even a category? Everything is categorized these days anyway, so I may as well stick a label on it right? But still, missing things. I keep missing my point here and drifting.

Missing things! I miss the youth I used to have. I miss the memory skills I used to have. I miss friends who were toxic to my life, and even though they were toxic, they were still a part of who I have become. I miss the family members in my life who are no longer with me. I miss the freedoms of being a kid and not having to adult. I miss summer vacations with cousins, and just being able to actually go on one. I miss the newness of experiences growing up. I miss you. I miss me.

So here I go with another balance spiel. I keep getting myself stuck in the past at times. I know this doesn’t do me any good. Reminiscing about the past only makes you sad. It makes you long for things that are no longer obtainable. Memories, good or bad, can have a negative affect the more you dwell on them. Even the good memories can make you begin to wish for them again and distract you from experiencing good things right in front of your face. This seems to be a recurring issue with me. Maybe it is with everyone? Maybe some people are just better at jumping back into reality before the past begins to take over their thoughts? Here I go again creating more questions and digging deeper into something without actually fixing it. But maybe that’s what I need to do to be a better me? Maybe this sort of inner reflection is what I need to see me more clearly? To realize that I don’t need to miss who I was? Maybe I need to see past the past, and take joy in who I am becoming? Back in the times that I miss, all those experiences have helped shaped me into me. They helped shape you into you. And do I miss your younger you? Do I miss your not-as-wise-as-you-are-now you? Not at all! So why should I dwell on missing the old me? Well, the younger me, really, but you know what I mean.

Maybe this post can help us both look forward to what we will become. Maybe that’s the key to motivation and living life to the fullest? And maybe you have to take the time to miss the past, because it helps you plan and get excited about the future? Obviously I can’t answer that, but I think I’m pretty good at the introspection part of it all. So, me and balance. Gotta find the balance. Gotta enjoy the now. The past is done. It can’t be changed, and even if it hurts, it’s still there. The past can teach us so many lessons if we choose to learn from it, but it can also rip us apart and drag us down to live it over and over again and miss our now. Our own sort of Hell if you will.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Plus I’ve noticed my posts are sort of boring lately. I keep doing this look inward thing, and I can only imagine how exciting it is to continuously turn the mirror back at myself/yourself whatever. I’ll post something upbeat again soon I promise! It’s almost my mini-me’s 17th (yeah OMG!) birthday, and there are some good time’s ahead! Oh! I got to see the Alamo for the first time and cruise San Antonio’s river walk a little bit this past weekend! Yeah. I know. I live in Texas and hadn’t seen any of that yet. It’s a big state dammit!!! I’ve been pretty blessed to see some other things in my life that many will never see, so I’m just checking off some sites from my to-see list! I’m sure there will be some more San Antonio exploring and some river floating in my near future. Maybe even some peace and quiet and relaxation. I’ll let you know! Til then, ciao!

-Bonnie

Oh yeah! I’m getting more work done on a tattoo piece that I am so looking forward to getting done!!! So excited!!!!!!

Volleyball time with my mini and her bestie! Oh summer days and sunshine!!!!

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Sometimes I Feel Lost…

There are times in my life where I feel as though my ship has drifted off its course. There are times when I feel like the universe has aligned the planets just for me. When things fall into place, I feel as though I am on top of the world. It’s like a bow-of-the-Titanic sort of feeling. Well, prior to the whole iceberg thing, but you know what I’m saying. So when things aren’t going the way they “should”, it’s frustrating as all hell. Like why? Whyyyyyyyyyy??????? Why can’t things continuously go with the flow?? What did I do to fuck all of this up???? Why is the universe/God/existence/karma/whatever trying to punish me? What in the world could I have gotten so wrong?

It’s funny. Life does NOT work out according to plan. Ok. According to MY plan. But still. It’s MY life dammit! Every time I think things are going the way I planned them to, they are upended by life. Things change. Circumstances change. The universe feels I should be moving in a completely different direction from where I am currently headed. It gets frustrating. Some of you may totally understand what I am trying to convey. Some of you will say this life is not really ours, it belongs to God or god or whomever. Some will say this isn’t even real anyway. Everyone has an idea or a lesson or an experience that helps them answer this question to themselves, and it’s amazing how most everyone believes their views are the correct ones. But! That’s a discussion for a different time. When that one comes up I’ll throw in some money and politics for fun! Hahaha!!!

Anyway. Back to being derailed by the powers and energies that be. We all know life has its ups and downs. People are born. People die. There are miracles. There are disasters. It all comes back around to the balance of it all. Something any of my sadist blog readers know I am a huge believer of. You can’t have highs without lows. And you can’t appreciate those highs without being brought to your knees. It’s a vicious cycle that all you can do is learn to prepare for. And even in that there lies a balance. Spend too much time preparing for the worst, and you won’t get to enjoy the best. Worrying too much about the future takes the experience away from the now. Remaining stuck in the past keeps you from applying those past lessons to your future. And on and on and on it goes. It only stops when we’re dead, I guess.

And here I go again not really answering anything at all. I continue to have my crazy highs and lows in life, and just when I get comfortable the universe says move along there’s nothing to see here anymore. Gee thanks a billion! I really need to work on my worrying though! I’m really good about stressing myself out the instant I feel I need to fix whatever just happened. So I jump on the problem and freak the fuck out and stress myself out. Thankfully I have people in my life who know what to say to get me to be in the moment, take a deep breath, and realize I’ve got this. Stop worrying about the things I can’t control. Do what is in my power and roll along with what is thrown at me. Sometimes you have to duck and dodge. Sometimes you have to block. Sometimes you just have to take it. Sometimes you have to throw something back. But nothing sharp though! We don’t want to gouge anything! It’s always fun and games until someone loses an eye!

Well, I hope I succeeded in getting the wheels turning and the gears grinding and not answering any questions I asked myself. Eh. It happens. Keep living and loving life as best you can. Remember, you got this!

-Bonnie

Sometimes the simplest views are where all the beauty goes to show off. All about the little things… 😊

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Be Like Sausage…

As I sit outside on my back porch, drinking my hot toddy while watching my fat cat attempt to catch the June bugs that are beginning to come out, I get to enjoy the warm evening air and the chance to think a bit. It’s true, what they say, life is a precious gift. It’s definitely not something I want to waste, but I also know I have spent many wasteful moments. I guess it’s part of the learning process, and you’re never done learning. I don’t want to be at the end of my days longing for all the wasted time. All those wasted hours that I could have been doing something more than what I did.

I love those infectious people with the unquenchable thirst for adventure and living. You know the ones. They always seem to have energy and go go go every day, and you wonder how they do it. I know I do! I wish I had that energy! That unfulfilled yearning to do everything possible! The want to constantly be on the move. Hell! Even the capability of being constantly on the move. How do they do it? They make it look so easy. So fluid. So natural. Like there’s no other way to be alive. I wish I had that passion and that drive and that ambition. How does one go about getting those things?

There are plenty of motivators out there in the world. There are people whose callings in life are helping others with finding theirs. There are places that inspire greatness. There are experiences that excite the soul to be more. To become more. And yet, how do we even run across these things? We’ll use me as an example. Here goes. So, I love to make people happy. I love seeing and being the cause for people to smile and laugh and for a second, forget whatever makes them unhappy. But that’s not my job. I don’t do that for a living. Part of what I enjoy about my job is that I get the opportunity to make the people I work with smile and laugh from time to time. But that can take work too. There are days when I am far far far, extremely fucking far from my usual, sunshiny self. There are days when I can’t even bring myself to smile, and those days make me feel even more terrible. Because, like I mentioned, I love making other people laugh and smile. And yes. I know I can’t be happy ALL the damn time, but it’s so defeating when I can’t even muster a smile for myself.

So how do these people do it? Are they just that good at hiding any emotion other than happiness? Are they seriously like this EVERY SINGLE DAY?! You hear that happiness is a choice. I mean, I’ve read it somewhere. It is. Definitely. But it’s a hard choice to make every day upon waking. There has to be a conscious effort, right? Sometimes the universe can throw some serious shit your way! Sometimes it feels impossible to be happy. But you know what? That’s ok. We don’t have to be happy ALL the fucking time. We are human. We can have bad days. It doesn’t make it any easier for those of us who would much rather be happy, but we are allowed to be imperfect and mopey and blah.

OK. I’ll stop there, because now it just sounds like I’m on some crazy, emotional rant about being human. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m tired of having to work at being happy. It’s not that I’m unhappy. I truly am happy! Just some days are so much easier than others. And there’s got to be a secret. Those go go go people have to have something figured out, and I just wish I knew what it was. Sometimes I wish I was like my cat Sausage. She’s a cat. I know. But I could learn a couple things from her. She’s fat and yet still active, and she couldn’t care less that she’s a tad grande. She lets her true intelligence shine through, and she may poop on the floor, but does she care what I think? Nope. Sausage does NOT care about the opinions of others! She definitely enjoys her cat food, but she will only eat solid white albacore tuna as a treat! So she obviously eats fine and indulges from time to time. I think I have that one down! Yay! Let’s see, what else. She sticks close to her family and does her best to “protect” us when an unknown comes to the door. By protect I mean she growls. Like actually growls. That is the extent of her guardcat status though. Because she runs away as soon as she sees the unknown. At least she lets me know when someone is walking up to the door. I mean, that’s pretty cool. She proves her loyalty and love to me every day. She may not cuddle with me, but she’s always there. She waits for me outside the shower. She lays at my feet at night. She lays at my feet on the couch. She hangs out near the kitchen when I cook. I mean. Such a simple life. Not a worry in the world! Well, ok. One worry. If the food bowl shows any sign of bowl at the bottom it’s panic mode time.

But seriously. I should be more like Sausage. Why worry about what others think? Why worry about anything more than if I have food and water and love? Basic necessities for all creatures. We humans just found ways to make it more and more complicated. I need to be more grateful for the things I have. For the limited time I have. For moments I shouldn’t have to worry about wasting, because they weren’t wasted. For the rare love that happens in life as a second chance. For the smiles I see on other people’s faces and the ones out in mine. Maybe that’s the secret. Until I know for sure I’ll just have to see what happens next and not waste my time. Until next time! 😉

-Bonnie 💙

Sausage. Be like her. 😊

She’s squishy!

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Let Me (Re)Introduce Myself…

Hi!

My name is Bonnie. I am a lover of the ocean, the mountains, the desserts, the forests, the grasslands, you name it! I am a bit of a sun whore who will probably end up dying from it (I know, terrible). I love food! I love cooking food! I love eating food! I love reading and writing and painting and speed skating and stand up paddling and climbing and hiking and drinking and challenges and cryptograms and making people smile and my daughter and my mom and family and friends who are family and friends who are friends. I realized this list could go on for far too long, so I’ll just stop there. But I’m pretty sure you get the idea. I do and love and enjoy a lot of things in life!

I am a believer in balance. I don’t necessarily follow any religions, but I do have my beliefs. I was raised Christian, and grew up going to small (like seriously teeny tiny) Christian schools until high school. Lemme tell ya! That was a shock to the system! I had never seen a locker before! No joke! My classes had maybe up to 21 people in them. Then I go to a school where I have to change rooms, and there are 300+ fellow classmates. It was strange not knowing everyone in my class or classes or anything. This was the end of my innocence for sure!!!

So, graduated high school with honors. Failed at my first attempt at college. Joined the Army. Got out of that early (story for another time). Married. Child. Divorced. Single mom. School from time to time. Married. Moved to Hawaii. Moved back to Texas. Divorced. Single mom. Child moved in with her dad. Alone. Stupid boyfriends. Lived in car. Lost friends. Moved into apartment. Really stupid boyfriend. Child moves back in. No more stupid boyfriend. Finally earned my AAS degree! Moved with child. Single mom again. Awesome boyfriend who was my first love from high school!!! Not joking!!! Thought he was dead honestly. 20 year HS reunion had me Google his name. There he was. Messaged him on FB. He messaged back. C’est la vie! Due to his request for privacy, I won’t be writing much directly about him. That’s about all you’re getting for now. 😉

Life is crazy for sure!!!!!

So, hi everyone! Even people who know me probably don’t know all of that, and it’s fun to share my randomness. I think that’s part of being human, passing down stories in general. Not that knowing more about me will do your life really any good, but it’ll help give you a base for any of my future posts. I had mentioned I believe in balance. That is a very huge part of who I am. Future posts will probably involve the misadventures of me trying to find my balance. I will do my best not to bore you, and fair warning: I have a crude sense of humor, and I swear a lot at times (especially if I’ve had a couple of adult beverages before I decide to write, or during, whatever), and I just want to make sure you know that before you get sucked in.

With that, I will try to get on here and write more often. This will be a sort of therapy for me like journaling. I may be brutally honest in some posts. Others might be pretty meh. The future holds so much adventure that I can’t wait to share with you!!!! Let’s see where we go!

-Bonnie 💙

That is my mini me. Life would be boring without her!!!! Love my amazing Angel Pie!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Yes. I do realize that is missing an “a”.

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It’s a Little Bit Funny…

…this feeling inside. But seriously though, isn’t it?

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. None of them bad, that I can recall. I have been anointed with amazing luck at this point in my life. All of it unexpected. All of it amazing!

I would go into more detail, but it’s not quite the right time yet to discuss everything. As much as I have ranted in the past and discussed personal matters, I am trying to conduct myself in a perceptively more mature way. What I will tell you though, is that the heart is an amazing muscle!!!! Don’t ever underestimate it! I say this to you as much as I say it to myself. It has helped me survive over the years, and even when I think it couldn’t break any further, it continues to beat and to thrive. I’ve always promoted loving with all you have. Sometimes that is extremely difficult to do, but what’s the point of life if you don’t love it?

During spring break a couple of weeks ago, I took my amazing mini me, aka Angel Pie, camping for a couple of nights. She and I had never done that as just the two of us. We organized all the camping stuff, grabbed my two tents (we weren’t sure which one we’d have to use), the hammocks, the sleeping bags, all that fun stuff! This had to have been the most organized camping trip ever! We stopped at the store on the way out to Mineral Wells State Park. Living in Fort Worth, Mineral Wells always seemed so damn far away! I pulled up Waze, and MWSP was only 35 minutes from where I currently live. We were almost disappointed how close it was!

They had one spot available when I had gotten online to reserve the spot, and it was only for one night. We were at the rv portion. Which was totally fine. We had no one across from us, no one near us, and it was awesome! We got there early to set up our site and then went out looking for a place to hike and check out for the afternoon. They have climbing there!!!! We decided to free climb around the area. Lots of really cool spots to climb up and down and get into precarious situations. It was a blast!!!!! That evening we get back to the site, ride our longboards around the camp circle (which was perfect from where we were at since it was mostly downhill), and we got the hammocks hung up and the fire going. It was a beautiful night!!!!

The next day we knew we had to pack up, which sucked, because we really want d to stay another night. No open spots for the second night and no cancelled reservations. Bummer! But!!!! They had primitive camping available. We have never done this, mind you. We have never hiked out to camp. Ever! So, we decided to just go for it! Why not?! Let’s just say we fell in love!!! Yes. It was just one night, but it was greatness!!! We filled up my Camelbak, grabbed a snack, bungee corded the crap out of our hammocks and sleeping bags, took the couple of essentials just in case, and headed out. Now, we were exhausted from spending the day climbing and hiking, and we decided to hike some more. We got to our spot, hung up the hammocks, and were worn the fuck out. We basically relaxed the rest of the evening.

The fun part of this is how you don’t realize how cold it can get sleeping in a hammock. Our first night was in a tent, on the ground, with mats under us. I hadn’t planned on sleeping in my hammock at all, so I never packed up my over quilt. Never crossed my mind! I woke up in the middle of the night to my mini me asking me for my sweatshirt. I informed her I was currently wearing it, and I suggested she join me in my hammock (thankfully I have a double and a couple singles, I brought the double, whew). The hammock sleeping was super comfy until then. But it was much warmer!!! Still had a blast!!!

We waited the next morning until the other campers packed up and headed out. We wanted to be lazy and enjoy our time out there. It was amazing! We had a nice little hike back, got some coffee at the camp store, and went out climbing one last time. We were so tired and worn out, but we had so much fun! We met and climbed around with a family that we met out there. Super sweet people!

What a great short trip we had!!! Even though we weren’t far from home, it made us want to do more. So now we hope to start camping over the weekends when we can and when the weather will hopefully be nice. We probably need to practice a bit more before we do any crappy weather camping. Just sayin.

Anyway, I thought that would be fun to share with you. I hope you have an amazing weekend enjoying whatever it is you enjoy doing.

Love,

Bonnie

Me and the mini on the first day!

Awesome pic the mini got! These smelled absolutely amazing!!!!!

The view was incredible!!

We had a blast taking photos on the rocks!

Our campsite the first night. Didn’t have the hammocks up yet.

Sunset on the first night was gorgeous!!

Fun selfie the first night! Flash was a tad bright…

Our second night spent in the hammocks this time. This was out at our primitive spot.

Fun little pose on our last day. Love that girl!!!

My mini is pretty awesome!!

Quick video of the lake. It was so peaceful out there!!!

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A Broken Home…

Well, my home had to be towed this evening. 😦 I need to have my four wheel drive selector switch replaced. It’s been a long time coming, and I can obviously no longer put it off. Well, let me look at the bright side: it needed an oil change anyway. 🙂 I was at 6% oil life remaining, so it had to be done sooner or later.

What’s funny is I had just had some awesome Chinese food for dinner and had texted my stepmom to ask if I could just stay at her place, when my car decided, in the absolute worst part of the road, to casually slip out of gear and not go back into one. :-/

I was planning on just sleeping in my car once it got to the shop, but I’m not sure how much I would actually get being so close to a hospital. There are quite a few sirens going off this evening. Must be a lot of craziness going on for a Monday night! Plus this is not exactly a choice neighborhood to relax in, and I would probably sleep horribly.

Currently I am sitting in my car, waiting for my mom. I’ll probably have to use up some personal time, but it needs to get taken care of. Oh joy! As crappy as this night became, there have been friendly and helpful people getting me through it. My friend who pushed my car a quarter mile with his own (thank you, Paul). My stepmom offering to send my dad out here (thank you, Min). The tow truck driver who was super nice (thank you tow truck guy). The guy at the mechanic’s shop who was on night duty, offered to let me watch tv until my ride showed up, and took my key and said he’d keep an eye on my car for me (thank you mechanic guy). My mom who drove an hour to come pick my sorry ass up (thank you mom). As crappy as my day has seemed to be, I can’t help but be thankful for all the good people who help me out in my times of need.

Anyway, I am tired. My brain hurts. My eyeballs hurt. It’s been a very long day, and I am worn the eff out! So I wish you a good night and pleasant dreams. I’ll be staying at mom’s tonight…

-Bonnie

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The Day of Turkey Is Upon Us – And I’m Thankful

So technically it is Thanksgiving. A day for being thankful for what we have been blessed with. I love the fact that it is basically a crazy family day, where the craziness begins the day before with pies baking and foods being prepped. In one quick moment, all of the time and cooking and cleaning and chopping and baking culminate into a grand feast after which we all happily attempt to remain awake. I find it quite difficult trying to stay awake. Sometimes you just have to undo that top button (or come prepared in sweat pants) and give in to the tryptophan.

This year, we are having our turkey day on Saturday. My sis has to work today, and my mom wasn’t feeling very well in order to start the baking. And me? Well, I decided to head to the office to get a few things done that I didn’t get to the day before. Yea! Work on my day off!!! The nice part of that was I got there after everyone left, so my music was cranked up, and I was singing away with no one to distract me!!! I really had nothing better to do, so being at the office wasn’t bad. 🙂

Basically today will be a day of movies and hanging out in my jammies and hopefully sleeping in since it’s currently 1:45 am. The cats are being idiots and running around right now though. Only when I am about to go to sleep they decide to wake up! Oh well. They’ll come sleep on me some point soon, and I will be thankful for that. So here goes the year’s thanks: I am thankful for my family, my close friends who are more family than some family, my daughter who is amazingly talented, smart and beautiful, my job and the people I work with, my car that hasn’t broken down on me yet despite needing a lot of work and tlc, my health because let’s face it, I’m still alive, and last but not least, I am thankful for all the experiences life has to offer, because without them, life wouldn’t be worth living.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!!

-B

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