Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

I Miss You…

We all miss something or someone or some time or some place or some experience. There’s a hole somewhere. A place that can only be filled with memories or imagination. I know a lot of times I’ll say I miss being a kid. And it’s not that I can’t run around or go climb trees or explore, it’s just that I make excuses that I’m tired, I want to sleep in, that’s private property, I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t have time, my knee is acting iffy, etc. It’s sad that I somehow deny myself those simple, childish joys. I feel the urge to get out and do more, but it’s so nice just relaxing in the hammock with my book or sitting on the back porch with Sausage, whose favorite thing to do is relax:

That’s Sausage. I really need to leash train that little beast so I can drag her around with me in the great outdoors. I’ll let you know if that is even a possibility. 😂

But back to missing things.

So what has brought about this sort of laziness? I miss the never ending curiousness and energy I once had. I think once you get to my age it’s not that you’re old, but it’s more that you’re well aware time is actually pretty short. I’ll be thirty-eight this year, and yeah, I know, to some people that’s not old, that’s very true. I’m not old per se, but I am old enough to understand I’m not young anymore. I’m old enough to understand that life is short, and I need to spend time with the ones I love before time runs out. That also means I understand I have a limited amount of time to try things I’ve never done and enjoy things I love to do. Still, I don’t do them (not all of them anyway). And I know I’ll miss them if I let them slip away.

It is a curious thing to try to understand why these choices are made. It sort of circles back to my post about those super go go go people. It’s like they totally understand time is short and are doing everything they can to fill it. Then there are those people who really just don’t gaf. They let time go by and, well, maybe it doesn’t matter if they don’t care. Maybe that’s just one of the “keys” to getting through life happily (or just getting through it). You either understand and act upon squeezing as much life in as you can, or you go through life not caring so it doesn’t bother you? Am I an in-between-er? Is that even a category? Everything is categorized these days anyway, so I may as well stick a label on it right? But still, missing things. I keep missing my point here and drifting.

Missing things! I miss the youth I used to have. I miss the memory skills I used to have. I miss friends who were toxic to my life, and even though they were toxic, they were still a part of who I have become. I miss the family members in my life who are no longer with me. I miss the freedoms of being a kid and not having to adult. I miss summer vacations with cousins, and just being able to actually go on one. I miss the newness of experiences growing up. I miss you. I miss me.

So here I go with another balance spiel. I keep getting myself stuck in the past at times. I know this doesn’t do me any good. Reminiscing about the past only makes you sad. It makes you long for things that are no longer obtainable. Memories, good or bad, can have a negative affect the more you dwell on them. Even the good memories can make you begin to wish for them again and distract you from experiencing good things right in front of your face. This seems to be a recurring issue with me. Maybe it is with everyone? Maybe some people are just better at jumping back into reality before the past begins to take over their thoughts? Here I go again creating more questions and digging deeper into something without actually fixing it. But maybe that’s what I need to do to be a better me? Maybe this sort of inner reflection is what I need to see me more clearly? To realize that I don’t need to miss who I was? Maybe I need to see past the past, and take joy in who I am becoming? Back in the times that I miss, all those experiences have helped shaped me into me. They helped shape you into you. And do I miss your younger you? Do I miss your not-as-wise-as-you-are-now you? Not at all! So why should I dwell on missing the old me? Well, the younger me, really, but you know what I mean.

Maybe this post can help us both look forward to what we will become. Maybe that’s the key to motivation and living life to the fullest? And maybe you have to take the time to miss the past, because it helps you plan and get excited about the future? Obviously I can’t answer that, but I think I’m pretty good at the introspection part of it all. So, me and balance. Gotta find the balance. Gotta enjoy the now. The past is done. It can’t be changed, and even if it hurts, it’s still there. The past can teach us so many lessons if we choose to learn from it, but it can also rip us apart and drag us down to live it over and over again and miss our now. Our own sort of Hell if you will.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Plus I’ve noticed my posts are sort of boring lately. I keep doing this look inward thing, and I can only imagine how exciting it is to continuously turn the mirror back at myself/yourself whatever. I’ll post something upbeat again soon I promise! It’s almost my mini-me’s 17th (yeah OMG!) birthday, and there are some good time’s ahead! Oh! I got to see the Alamo for the first time and cruise San Antonio’s river walk a little bit this past weekend! Yeah. I know. I live in Texas and hadn’t seen any of that yet. It’s a big state dammit!!! I’ve been pretty blessed to see some other things in my life that many will never see, so I’m just checking off some sites from my to-see list! I’m sure there will be some more San Antonio exploring and some river floating in my near future. Maybe even some peace and quiet and relaxation. I’ll let you know! Til then, ciao!

-Bonnie

Oh yeah! I’m getting more work done on a tattoo piece that I am so looking forward to getting done!!! So excited!!!!!!

Volleyball time with my mini and her bestie! Oh summer days and sunshine!!!!

1 Comment »

Be Like Sausage…

As I sit outside on my back porch, drinking my hot toddy while watching my fat cat attempt to catch the June bugs that are beginning to come out, I get to enjoy the warm evening air and the chance to think a bit. It’s true, what they say, life is a precious gift. It’s definitely not something I want to waste, but I also know I have spent many wasteful moments. I guess it’s part of the learning process, and you’re never done learning. I don’t want to be at the end of my days longing for all the wasted time. All those wasted hours that I could have been doing something more than what I did.

I love those infectious people with the unquenchable thirst for adventure and living. You know the ones. They always seem to have energy and go go go every day, and you wonder how they do it. I know I do! I wish I had that energy! That unfulfilled yearning to do everything possible! The want to constantly be on the move. Hell! Even the capability of being constantly on the move. How do they do it? They make it look so easy. So fluid. So natural. Like there’s no other way to be alive. I wish I had that passion and that drive and that ambition. How does one go about getting those things?

There are plenty of motivators out there in the world. There are people whose callings in life are helping others with finding theirs. There are places that inspire greatness. There are experiences that excite the soul to be more. To become more. And yet, how do we even run across these things? We’ll use me as an example. Here goes. So, I love to make people happy. I love seeing and being the cause for people to smile and laugh and for a second, forget whatever makes them unhappy. But that’s not my job. I don’t do that for a living. Part of what I enjoy about my job is that I get the opportunity to make the people I work with smile and laugh from time to time. But that can take work too. There are days when I am far far far, extremely fucking far from my usual, sunshiny self. There are days when I can’t even bring myself to smile, and those days make me feel even more terrible. Because, like I mentioned, I love making other people laugh and smile. And yes. I know I can’t be happy ALL the damn time, but it’s so defeating when I can’t even muster a smile for myself.

So how do these people do it? Are they just that good at hiding any emotion other than happiness? Are they seriously like this EVERY SINGLE DAY?! You hear that happiness is a choice. I mean, I’ve read it somewhere. It is. Definitely. But it’s a hard choice to make every day upon waking. There has to be a conscious effort, right? Sometimes the universe can throw some serious shit your way! Sometimes it feels impossible to be happy. But you know what? That’s ok. We don’t have to be happy ALL the fucking time. We are human. We can have bad days. It doesn’t make it any easier for those of us who would much rather be happy, but we are allowed to be imperfect and mopey and blah.

OK. I’ll stop there, because now it just sounds like I’m on some crazy, emotional rant about being human. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m tired of having to work at being happy. It’s not that I’m unhappy. I truly am happy! Just some days are so much easier than others. And there’s got to be a secret. Those go go go people have to have something figured out, and I just wish I knew what it was. Sometimes I wish I was like my cat Sausage. She’s a cat. I know. But I could learn a couple things from her. She’s fat and yet still active, and she couldn’t care less that she’s a tad grande. She lets her true intelligence shine through, and she may poop on the floor, but does she care what I think? Nope. Sausage does NOT care about the opinions of others! She definitely enjoys her cat food, but she will only eat solid white albacore tuna as a treat! So she obviously eats fine and indulges from time to time. I think I have that one down! Yay! Let’s see, what else. She sticks close to her family and does her best to “protect” us when an unknown comes to the door. By protect I mean she growls. Like actually growls. That is the extent of her guardcat status though. Because she runs away as soon as she sees the unknown. At least she lets me know when someone is walking up to the door. I mean, that’s pretty cool. She proves her loyalty and love to me every day. She may not cuddle with me, but she’s always there. She waits for me outside the shower. She lays at my feet at night. She lays at my feet on the couch. She hangs out near the kitchen when I cook. I mean. Such a simple life. Not a worry in the world! Well, ok. One worry. If the food bowl shows any sign of bowl at the bottom it’s panic mode time.

But seriously. I should be more like Sausage. Why worry about what others think? Why worry about anything more than if I have food and water and love? Basic necessities for all creatures. We humans just found ways to make it more and more complicated. I need to be more grateful for the things I have. For the limited time I have. For moments I shouldn’t have to worry about wasting, because they weren’t wasted. For the rare love that happens in life as a second chance. For the smiles I see on other people’s faces and the ones out in mine. Maybe that’s the secret. Until I know for sure I’ll just have to see what happens next and not waste my time. Until next time! 😉

-Bonnie 💙

Sausage. Be like her. 😊

She’s squishy!

3 Comments »

Vaginas Suck!  Sometimes.  And Some Other Things…

So!  This post is for the ladies!  For the most part anyway. It is actually the product of a conversation I had with a friend earlier today, and she suggested I write about it.  So guess what!  I am!  For the guys who read this shit, you might feel at times, how can I put it, uncomfortable?  You might learn something.  Who knows!  You may find a great deal of humor in this one!  Hopefully the women reading this will see the humor!  Please see it!  😉

Some of us are currently, have, will be, have yet to, or will never go through again the joys of being a woman.  Every.  Single.  Month. Or like some, once every three months, or six months, or sporadically.  Now I won’t go into details, but I am pretty sure you are on the right track with what I am referring to.  Thank you Auntie. We know you love to visit, but we wish your visits weren’t so frequent and annoying.  It isn’t just the inconvenience of your visit, it’s the hormonal insanity you put us through!  The uncontrollable urge to want to eat everything!  The crazy sudden outbursts of anger due to the lack of patience!  The random crying during sappy commercials!  The insecurity.  The bloating. The sleepiness.  The headaches.  The discomfort.  The list goes on and on.  For some it is a walk in the park. For others it is hell.  Pure hell.  Picture this. You’re sitting around after eating a huge meal, and what’s that?  You’re still hungry?  Seconds please!  Then!  You need something sweet!  Bag of peanut butter cups?  Gone!  Glass of wine?  That bottle was excellent! Get my point?  And even after that you could still probably eat that half a cake sitting in the fridge.  On top of that, while eating until your stomach could quite possibly explode, that damn ASPCA commercial comes on!  Damn you Sarah Mclachlan!  Damn you sad animals with the big eyes!  Damn you all!!!  Catch my drift?

That’s not the only reason why vaginas suck at times.  You’d think that’s enough, but wait!  There’s more!  Take the workplace for instance.  You work in a very male dominated field.  You work with a bunch of guys.  Your sense of humor is probably far worse than theirs, but can you crack the same kind of jokes?  Oh hell no!  While the boys can crack jokes laced with immature, sexual humor, you do it and they look at you like you just said the words vaginal discharge. Yeah.  That face.  It is a gross word pairing, but I am just using it as a reference.  Let’s face it, no one likes to actually talk about THAT!  Then you complain about something or someone, and it is automatically assumed you are just bitching.  Whining.  Complaining. On the rag.  You name it. Automatically labeled as hormonal. Never fails.  No matter how much like one of the guys you may think you are, you still have a vajayjay, and it can never measure up in the length department.  

Now picture you work in a female dominant company. Oh the cattiness!  Not only does everyone sync up like a Fitbit to Bluetooth, but then you’re all hormonally out of whack!  Being bitchy and being catty really are two different things, but they aren’t separated by much.  Catty is a bit more behind the back.  They are the things you say to others about someone ranging from how much something is not in their job description to how that new girl’s haircut makes her look like a boy. Shit like that.  The bitchiness?  The things you say to that person.  To their face. That’s being a bitch.  And we ladies are guilty.  You would think we’d unite over our shared joys of reproductive organs, but nope.  It’s like we are constantly in some sort of competition for what we don’t know, and we can’t help it.  It just is.  It just happens.  Vaginas suck.  

Although there are plenty of times when they don’t.  I’m not going into any details.  Ladies, take a moment and think about those joys.  Aaaaaahhhhhh.  Much better.  🙂  Now quit bitchin about my lady post!  I kid I kid!   We ladies are pretty kick ass, and we know we are.  We definitely don’t need dingleberries to prove it!  Onto the other things…

So I decided not to rent that room.  There are a few reasons as to why, but it will just be better all around if I don’t.  I will continue with my original plan of back and forth between my mom’s and dad’s.  It will be better for the mini me as well since she will be close to her friends over the summer.  Definite plus!  This also means that my current living quarters will be moved out of my car in order to use it as it is intended.  Basically, I’ll be able to shuffle teenage girls around as needed.  Not a bad thing!   

Training has been going well.  Workouts have been changed up this month, and even though I am supposed to throw in a couple days of HIIT training a week on my off days, I have been entirely unmotivated to do it.  I have just been so damn tired the past couple weeks, and I know I need to get my ass in gear!  I don’t know why I am being so lazy with this, but I really need to be running every day at lunch again. At least a walk or something!  But I don’t wanna!  I know I should!  But I’m not.  I’ll get back into it.  Just currently in a bad slump.  I’ll pull through I hope.  Words of encouragement are welcome!!!!  🙂

Anyway, that’s the sort of the randomness that’s going on in my life.  I was asked why I was single by the old guy I spoke to about renting the room. I was also told I was a strange woman for not wanting a man to pay for everything and be taken care of.  Yeah.  Guess I’m strange.  No wonder I’m single!  Hahahahaha!!!!  

Alright!  I am off to bed!  And I got some more art done.  Nighty night!!!

-Bonnie

   
                 

3 Comments »

My Car Is Lonesome Tonight…

Well, I haven’t been in my car since Friday morning. The weekend was spent at my mom’s with the munchkin. It was pretty uneventful, and Sunday was an awesome day of just lounging around and lazily enjoying the shitty weather. I am now residing at my dad’s for house/dog sitting through Friday. This actually works out quite well for the week. I will miss being in my car, but it will be nice to sleep in a place that remains heated throughout the night. I am quite sure my uvula thanks me. If you don’t get that reference you need to go back and read my past scribblings. Do it now!!!!! Just kidding! You can finish this one first. 😉

Didn’t get my workout in today due to my laziness, and I feel like a blob because of it. If the office is closed due to inclement weather, which I doubt, I’ll be making up for the lost gym time tomorrow. We shall see…

Finally watched the Dracula Untold movie. It was actually pretty frickin good! Loved the sweet twist at the end. Totally not being sarcastic right there. It was sweet. 🙂 After I cooked up some tasty chicken for dinner at dad’s, I rented a movie and was sadly disappointed. 😦 Dumb and Dumber To wasn’t nearly as funny as I thought it was going to be. I was so excited! It had been so long!!! On the bright side, it was much better than the prequel!!!! Dear God!!! I don’t know if I’ve seen a movie worse than that one! On second thought I probably have, but Dumb and Dumberer totally takes the absolutely awful and terrible award! Hands down!

I got to expose the mini me to my favorite Cable Guy scene today!!! A few weeks ago it was Billy Madison and the swan! Today it was the fight scene at Medieval Times! Of course I made her watch the Kirk and Spock fight scene first to understand the hilarity! Oh she got it all right! Now she knows why I start singing the fight music from that scene along with doing the prrrrrrrrrrrhah sound. If you have seen this scene, you know exactly what those letters sounded like in your head, and that’s all that matters.

On that note I am going to bed. I am sleepy. It is way past my bedtime! Good night and sweet dreams! 🙂

-B

IMG_6513

2 Comments »

Almost a Week!!!!!!!! Oh Noooooooo…

I don’t think you have missed me too badly since I haven’t gotten crap from anyone asking why I hadn’t written lately. Well ok, maybe my mom said something about it, but I have been spending quite a bit of time with her lately, and she’s been up to date on everything anyway. I think I slept in my car maybe once the past six days which I had been missing. Tonight I was going to stay at my dad’s, but the weather isn’t crazy cold so may as well sleep in my own cave. 🙂

After doing this for a month I realize I have brought too much crap with me in my car and plan on dumping some of it off at storage. I have also realized that I am still just as lazy as before and desperately need to start working out again. Like really. Really need to start running again and doing the standard push ups and core stuff along with some squats. I know what I need to do. I’m just lazy. Really lazy… Not a good thing! I am thinking maybe getting a trainer just to get me back into it may help. That whole accountability thing works for me. I have no problem letting myself down, but I don’t like letting others down, if that makes any sense. To my brain it totally works. Now I just need to stop procrastinating and buy some sessions. Lazy lazy lazy. I got that down to a fine art! 😉

This has been a pretty good week. Got to work out in the field doing some wiring at a crossing. That was fun! Nice to get out from behind my computer. And speaking of computers, I finally got my new work computer, a laptop, so when I travel or feel extremely under the weather, I can still work!!! It’s quite nice actually! Yay!!!! I ordered my iPhone 6 and should get that soon. Going to get my daughter’s Christmas presents all bought. 🙂 I have an appointment to get my hair done on Thursday. Hopefully flying out to Cali on Friday for a horn demo next Monday. Today my best friend had a Christmas/holiday dinner party, and that was fun. I have a good bit going this month. Weird that it’s so busy though. Not complaining, but I still can’t get over the weirdness factor of it all. Hmmmmm…

Anyway, I need to get an early night tonight and catch up on my sleep. I have a super early day tomorrow and a lot to get done. Wish me luck! So on that note have a wonderful night and sweet dreams to you. 🙂

-B

IMG_5740.JPG

IMG_5766.JPG

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: