Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Mar 28

It’s a Little Bit Funny…

by oceangrrrl

…this feeling inside. But seriously though, isn’t it?

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. None of them bad, that I can recall. I have been anointed with amazing luck at this point in my life. All of it unexpected. All of it amazing!

I would go into more detail, but it’s not quite the right time yet to discuss everything. As much as I have ranted in the past and discussed personal matters, I am trying to conduct myself in a perceptively more mature way. What I will tell you though, is that the heart is an amazing muscle!!!! Don’t ever underestimate it! I say this to you as much as I say it to myself. It has helped me survive over the years, and even when I think it couldn’t break any further, it continues to beat and to thrive. I’ve always promoted loving with all you have. Sometimes that is extremely difficult to do, but what’s the point of life if you don’t love it?

During spring break a couple of weeks ago, I took my amazing mini me, aka Angel Pie, camping for a couple of nights. She and I had never done that as just the two of us. We organized all the camping stuff, grabbed my two tents (we weren’t sure which one we’d have to use), the hammocks, the sleeping bags, all that fun stuff! This had to have been the most organized camping trip ever! We stopped at the store on the way out to Mineral Wells State Park. Living in Fort Worth, Mineral Wells always seemed so damn far away! I pulled up Waze, and MWSP was only 35 minutes from where I currently live. We were almost disappointed how close it was!

They had one spot available when I had gotten online to reserve the spot, and it was only for one night. We were at the rv portion. Which was totally fine. We had no one across from us, no one near us, and it was awesome! We got there early to set up our site and then went out looking for a place to hike and check out for the afternoon. They have climbing there!!!! We decided to free climb around the area. Lots of really cool spots to climb up and down and get into precarious situations. It was a blast!!!!! That evening we get back to the site, ride our longboards around the camp circle (which was perfect from where we were at since it was mostly downhill), and we got the hammocks hung up and the fire going. It was a beautiful night!!!!

The next day we knew we had to pack up, which sucked, because we really want d to stay another night. No open spots for the second night and no cancelled reservations. Bummer! But!!!! They had primitive camping available. We have never done this, mind you. We have never hiked out to camp. Ever! So, we decided to just go for it! Why not?! Let’s just say we fell in love!!! Yes. It was just one night, but it was greatness!!! We filled up my Camelbak, grabbed a snack, bungee corded the crap out of our hammocks and sleeping bags, took the couple of essentials just in case, and headed out. Now, we were exhausted from spending the day climbing and hiking, and we decided to hike some more. We got to our spot, hung up the hammocks, and were worn the fuck out. We basically relaxed the rest of the evening.

The fun part of this is how you don’t realize how cold it can get sleeping in a hammock. Our first night was in a tent, on the ground, with mats under us. I hadn’t planned on sleeping in my hammock at all, so I never packed up my over quilt. Never crossed my mind! I woke up in the middle of the night to my mini me asking me for my sweatshirt. I informed her I was currently wearing it, and I suggested she join me in my hammock (thankfully I have a double and a couple singles, I brought the double, whew). The hammock sleeping was super comfy until then. But it was much warmer!!! Still had a blast!!!

We waited the next morning until the other campers packed up and headed out. We wanted to be lazy and enjoy our time out there. It was amazing! We had a nice little hike back, got some coffee at the camp store, and went out climbing one last time. We were so tired and worn out, but we had so much fun! We met and climbed around with a family that we met out there. Super sweet people!

What a great short trip we had!!! Even though we weren’t far from home, it made us want to do more. So now we hope to start camping over the weekends when we can and when the weather will hopefully be nice. We probably need to practice a bit more before we do any crappy weather camping. Just sayin.

Anyway, I thought that would be fun to share with you. I hope you have an amazing weekend enjoying whatever it is you enjoy doing.

Love,

Bonnie

Me and the mini on the first day!

Awesome pic the mini got! These smelled absolutely amazing!!!!!

The view was incredible!!

We had a blast taking photos on the rocks!

Our campsite the first night. Didn’t have the hammocks up yet.

Sunset on the first night was gorgeous!!

Fun selfie the first night! Flash was a tad bright…

Our second night spent in the hammocks this time. This was out at our primitive spot.

Fun little pose on our last day. Love that girl!!!

My mini is pretty awesome!!

Quick video of the lake. It was so peaceful out there!!!

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Mar 4

Isn’t It Funny…

by oceangrrrl

…where life takes you? It’s always a journey you never expected. You’re supposed to learn from your experiences and grow and become better, right? When sometimes it just becomes this overwhelming mass of crap that hits you all at once. Someone can ask just the right question, and it stays in the back of your mind to ponder a day later. Then that breeds more questions. Then you start thinking about why you did certain things. Then you wonder what you did with your life. Seriously! What the hell have I been doing with myself? Twenty years! It took me TWENTY YEARS to get a TWO YEAR degree!!! HA!!! Pathetic!

I bring this up, because I was asked if there was a degree that I wanted, that if I could have any four year degree, what would it be. I could only come up with something stupid and boring and pointless. An art degree? So I could actually learn how to paint? For what?!

So that got me thinking. What am I doing? I love making people happy. I love seeing people smile. I enjoy listening to others offload, lighten the weight on their shoulders. I like to mediate. I like to bring peace to people’s hearts. So where do I begin? Would another piece of paper declare to others that I officially know how to make people smile?

But this is what I seem to be exceptionally good at: asking questions of myself. I never seem to be able to answer them, just open more windows. Nothing like opening doors for myself. Just windows. An opening big enough for me to peer through but not walk through.

So I’m left with another question to myself. What do I do now?

And I don’t need anyone’s thoughts on this. I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head, because I know I’m not the only one who would read this and understand it completely. This blog was once a way to communicate to a very small group of people about the time I lived in my car. It has evolved over the past few years into a journal of sorts. It’s a way for me to get some of these thought clusters out of my damn head. Thank you for allowing me to put them into yours!

-Bonnie

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Jan 12

Been Distant…

by oceangrrrl

So, as usual, I haven’t taken the time to write anything new, and I figured why not take a couple of minutes to say that I am still alive.  It’s funny reading my last post, as it claims I miss living in my car among some other things.  

Gotta admit…

…life is funny as shit!

A few things in my life have changed since that last post. For starters, I only have two cats.  Sadly I had to put my sweet Cali down. I had never had to put a pet to sleep before, and I cried like a baby.  You know, you think to yourself and wonder wtf is wrong with me. Why am I acting like this?  It’s just a cat!  But no matter how much I tried to dismiss my own feelings as being stupid, the waterworks and heartbreak kept coming. Truth is, she really was part of my little family at home, and I miss her everyday.  Going into work the next day was difficult, because you can hold yourself together, but here’s the kicker, until someone mentions and acknowledges your loss.  Why is that?  I might need to do some research, because I am curious, because it seems sympathy and empathy from others forces you to feel those emotions all over again.  The tearing up, the lump in the throat, the knowing that the water levels are at the rim and about to pour over, and you know you have to walk away or let them see you cry.  A couple people got to see me cry.  At work. And I am NOT a fan of crying at work.  It usually only happens when I am super pissed the fuck off.  That is rare though.  You don’t want to see me angry and crying. For one it’s just not right, and two it’s a sign that my magma levels are on the verge of exploding in your face. 

Moving on…

I got to have my mini-me ALL of Christmas break, minus a couple days, and it was AWESOME!!!!!!  I love my Madi!  She is growing up to be such an amazing young lady, and she makes me so proud!  We didn’t have an exciting winter break, because I had to work a few days in there, and we didn’t go out of town or anything, but we still had fun!  She made out like a bandit, as usual, and she even got a new recurve bow for Christmas ( my man’s idea!).  We did some target practice, celebrated three different Christmases and a New Year, and we got the chance to relax a bit here and there.  She got to spend some time with family and went to the Armed Forces game with a friend.  All in all it was a blast!  It was nice to get to spend actually quality time with my daughter and chat about life and watch movies and stay up late and sleep in in the morning.  We didn’t get a skate in, but we did start running after the New Year.  My legs hurt for a week!  Sadly I had to get back to work, and she had to get back to school.  Besides, it’s winter guard season!!!!

Ready for a big update?

Well, you don’t really have a choice…

My man asked me to move in with him!  This is scary!  And exciting!  And I had to ask if he was sure (this has been a sensitive topic).  And I am excited! And frightened!  But most of all excited!!!  There’s just so much to do though!  Most guys aren’t super organized, we ladies know this.  Lord knows I love to be organized, but then reality takes over (ok, laziness), and then everything just becomes organized chaos.  I mean, I know where things are.  I think.  Where the hell did I put that…

So yeah!  Moving in!  Huge step!  Lots of stuff to throw away and move and organize and donate!  So.  Much.  Crap.  Got my old bed out of storage and set it up at his house over the weekend.  I plan to go through stuff and grab a couple things from storage this weekend. Maybe pack some stuff up I don’t use right now. We shall see.  I’m just trying my best to not procrastinate.  I’ll let you know how that goes.  

But it’s scary, right?  I haven’t been on this particular end of things.   Normally it’s someone moves in with me, not me moving in with them.  And even though there is a slightly frightening aspect to it, I couldn’t be more optimistic and thrilled!  I love this man. He’s difficult and moody and stubborn, but I love him.  He is kind and loving and understanding. He shares and supports and helps.  We have plenty of life to go through, and infinite experiences to share together, and I have never looked forward to that before as I do now. I told him that I think we are just two people how have been hurt too many times before and sick of crappy people.  I think the universe finally got tired of torturing us and had us meet.   Yay!!!

There’s a lot more that has happened, but I think I’ll leave you with that; full of hope and love and excitement and a touch of fear.  

And I’ll be out of my apartment by March 1st.  So if anyone wants to help me pack, come on over.  I have alcohols!  And food! 😉

Love,

Bonnie 
I miss my sweet Calikins…  😔


Birthday breakfast!!!!  It’s very close to Christmas!  

My dad and second mom got me tickets to see Trans Siberian Orchestra for my birthday!  My man had to work, so I got to take the mini!!!!

She was just trying the bow out at this point.  We went and bought it for her while she was preoccupied.  😁

She Robin Hooded it the next time we went to go practice!  

Even I got some practice time in with my new bow!  Love it!!!

Pretty much how I felt after celebrating three Thanksgivings and three Christmases and my birthday and New Year!  Holy cow!  That’s Sausage btw.  I love my fat cat!  Yes!  I know it’s unhealthy!  Stop body shaming my cat!

So fat…     Little sausage casing…  😂😂

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Sep 24

I am NOT a Fucking, Crazy, Cat Woman!!!

by oceangrrrl

Seriously though, this is fucking irritating when it is brought up!  Basic conversation goes something like this:

“I have three cats,”

“You have THREE CATS?!”

“Well, I had two, but my mom didn’t want the one she had, because her dog keeps trying to eat it, and now the cat won’t come out anymore.  So my mom says she won’t get rid of the dog, and I need to get the cat. No biggie.”

“You’re becoming a crazy cat lady!”

Chuckle. Chuckle. Chuckle. 

Yeah.  Real fucking funny, dickwad. 

People don’t always know the back story to why people are a certain way or why they have the pets they do.  Maybe I am a tad crazy, and my cats remind me of this everyday.  They remind me that what I thought was going to be a happily ever after turned out to be singly ever after instead.  And who got left with the cats?  I did. Me. I wasn’t heartless enough to leave them behind with some loser. They weren’t man enough to take their pet with them. Reminders.  That’s what they are. Every. Single. Day.  

Pets are family, and they are usually brought into homes to extend the family already there.  They are symbols of happiness and love and whatever else people want to make them to be.  Sometimes they are companions when you are living alone.  Sometimes they are the children you can’t have.  Sometimes they are the friends you need to unload all your problems on, because they won’t give you shitty advice or give you those what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-with-your-pathetic-life looks.  Maybe a weird facial expression filled with confusion, but they don’t judge you. They listen and then want to be petted, or they want to curl up in your lap, or they just want to poop on your shoulder, or maybe they just want to munch on some lettuce or swim in circles.  Swimming unjudgingly.  

I’m not trying to sound all whiny or anything, because not everyone knows how the words they speak affect others.  I’m sure I have offended countless others by the things that have rolled off my tongue.  Only after they come spewing out do I realize that what I just said might be taken entirely wrong.  I am a sensitive person. I am easily affected by the words of others.  I try to be as rubbery as I can, but some people can just be dicks with their choice of words.  We all know this.  When I am not in a shitty mood, I can take it, and I can dish t right back, but there are those days when seemingly everyone sucks ass.  

But back to the reminders that pets are…

I sort of took a left turn to nowhere back there.  Whoops.  

Anyway, reminders.  Almost forgot. 😉

I love my cats.  I don’t really see them as the horrible reminders that they truly are.  They are there to pure me asleep (and awake, little assholes), and they take every opportunity to be right in my face when I am trying to wash it or put makeup on (assholish thing to do…), and they talk to me every chance they get (usually for food, attention or just to be annoying assholes at 3am), and they are always there to cuddle with me (I love picking them up and squeezing the shit out of them. I get to be an asshole too).  Sometimes I do feel like they hold me back.  I wish I could live in my car again.  I really do.  It was nice to have such a change from reality.  It took me out of my comfort zone.  It forced me to get out and do more.  Now I just feel like I do nothing. 

At least I have my three cats with me when I am home to help make me feel less crazy.  🐈

-Bonnie

This is Harley, because she purrs like one. She’s the re-addition and was originally 2 of 3.  

This is Sausage, because she is fat.  3 of 3. 

This is Cali Lily. She was adopted inHawaii on Kauai.  First of three. 

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Jul 19

Small Addictions…

by oceangrrrl

They seem to run freely in my life. I go through random waves of things like eating sushi for a month, get sick of it, then go on a Ceasar salad rampage for a month, get sick of it etc. etc.  I’ve even gone through ditching coffee for tea!  I always go back to coffee at some point though.  They are more intense than just cravings, and cravings seem to be a one and done sort of experience. But these, these I would classify as a temporary case of insanity.

Perhaps this mentality is why I have always got to find a new adventure or try a new hobby or learn more or do more!  I have noticed that my past is made up of short lived experiences.  One right after another.  Even my relationships have been this way.  I am at the point in my life now that I can clearly see why there has been a constant need for newness and the resulting failures that occur. Now I know how to stop it.  Now I know what to expect.  I am determined to follow through.  Even though fear of the future still seems to be a small issue, I take that as normal.  The future is uncertain, and I believe that is something we can all agree on.  I learned long ago that life does NOT go according to plan.  Especially for me!  I can’t complain though!  All of my non plans seem to lead me in the right direction.  Let’s just say I love the direction my personal non plan life path is going.  Why plan?!  Just go with the flow.  Live in the now. Learn from the past to be prepared for the future, but come back to the now without fear.  Don’t resist the uncertain.  Love with everything you’ve got!  I am putting my entire heart into the future, and I recommend anyone who can, should!

Thank you for reading gibberish.  I’ve been going through more of a painting than writing phase. It too shall pass, and then I’ll probably be trying to learn to play a trumpet or something.  Who knows!  Maybe I’ll paint something good besides my stand up paddle board I repainted and plan on sealing tomorrow.  You never know.  Why plan it?  😉

Nighty night!

-Bonnie
Figured I’d post a couple pics of random.

That is the new board painting.

Working in the field in Ohio about a month ago.

If you don’t get this you’re probably just too young to get the awesomeness!


My current other temporary addiction. The last one was Not Your Father’s Rootbeer.

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Apr 23

Crazy!!!

by oceangrrrl

That!  Right there!  Explains life!  Does it not?  Is life just not absolutely crazy?!  I mean, it can be crazy good or crazy bad or just absolutely, batshit insane.  It’s all the same anyway.  We even start off in a crazy way.  We came out of our moms, and look at what we are now.  No way we can ever go back.  It’s far, far too late for that.  

Then we learn how to walk and talk and hold a cup without spilling it (only because they’re spill proof, which we need more of in the adult stage) and feed ourselves with a stick with even smaller sticks at the end of it (or seriously two sticks), and we just keep learning all these crazy things.  For example, there were dinosaurs.  There were large, reptilian creatures, that would eat us, and thankfully they died, because nowadays, I wouldn’t even want to go up against a Komodo dragon.  Saliva that will slowly bring your body functions to a halt so it can start eating you?  Oh hell no!  Craziness!!!!  

After we learn about dinosaurs and how to add and subtract and successfully complete long division (math=crazy, logical language), there’s calculus and gravitational pulls and chemical explosions and antimatter.  OK. That shit right there is crazy enough.  Black holes=crazy.  Women=crazy.  Men=oh yeah!  They’re crazy too!  We are all crazy to some extent of the word.  This is something I tell guy friends when they have lady issues: every woman is crazy, but not every woman is nice.  It works the same way with men.  We are all wired differently.  Hormones make us crazy.  Household chores make us crazy.  Getting up every single day to do the same damn thing makes us crazy.  Changing plans makes us crazy.  Other people make us crazy!!!!!!!  

So how do we dig our way out of the craziness???  Do I have the answer?  Probably not, and no.  This isn’t an infomercial or ploy to get you to click somewhere to buy some magical pill.  If there was a magical pill to make life all unicorns, rainbows and glitter, you bet your ass I’d be buying it.  And who wouldn’t?  Who wouldn’t want a life like that?  Ah. Now that is the ultimate question.  There are a lot of people who wouldn’t want a magic pill of fabulous living.  And to be honest, I really wouldn’t want it either, but it sounds pretty damn fantastical.  And besides, I can go get a beer on an empty stomach for a quick bout of euphoria.  As long as I don’t eat or drink too many more of those tasty beverages, I can stay in that state for a nice while.  😉

You want to know who these people are?  The ones who would rather feel all the crap life can throw at you instead of only feeling the good?  I swear, they’re not unicorns.   In fact you might be one of them. Yes!  You!  Maybe you know how awesome you are.  Maybe you haven’t been through anything hard enough to make you rethink those magic pills. Perhaps you have been through all those struggles, and they helped you realize that without them, you couldn’t fully appreciate the good that life has to offer.  That’s the kicker.  That’s life’s ultimate mind fuck right there!  You can’t fully appreciate or understand all the good things until you have experienced and learned from the bad.  

Here’s my theory.  You ready?  I think life is all about balance.  Tes.  I have mentioned this in a previous post. There is good and evil all over the world.  Now, nature wouldn’t classify it.  Nature is indifferent and doesn’t give a shit about good or bad.  Do you understand that?  Indifference.  This planet can kill us in an instant, and yet we still believe we have the power to stop whatever it throws our way.  In the balance of nature, you survive and keep going.  If something bad happens, well, guess you just got too close to that gator’s mouth or that volcano just felt like exploding in the middle night with an ash cloud that suffocated everything within a mile of it. Hey!  It’s life!  But back to my point, we humans think we are all sorts of better than Mother Nature.  We have defined the harsh side of nature as bad or evil, and the surviving part we call good.  It’s balance.  Global warming?  We may kill off half the animals of the world, but nature will adapt and evolve. Crazy, right?  I ask that, because most likely we’d be dead.  

That is exactly what we need to do in life though. Adapt and evolve.  Physically and mentally we can do this.  We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for (NOT stronger than Mother Nature).  We don’t need a magic pill to make us believe everything will be ok.  Everything WILL be ok.  We can change ourselves physically in nearly every way we can imagine.  Sadly we cannot have genetically altered dolphin tails created for us so we can become mermaids.  This does sadden me a bit.  We can change ourselves mentally as well!  Crazy!!!!!!!

Why do I believe everything will be OK?  Even when I have hit rock bottom time and time again?  Believe me, I’ve been down there with the catfish on multiple occasions, and maybe that’s why I don’t eat them.  Hmmmmm.   Anyway, I have learned through enough life experiences that life is the ultimate teacher.  Divorce, death, being broke, sick, starting over, lost, depressed, confused, tired, angry, and that’s just the bad stuff.  Those things all helped me realize that the good things I have experienced are quite amazing!  Marriage, love, children (even though sometimes you want to put this on the bad list), happiness, helping others, surviving with a smile, and did I mention love?   Love is one of the most powerful weapons in your daily living arsenal.  It should be used every day!   Learn to love the little things in life that make you smile.  Yes. I understand this can be very difficult in some situations, like Christmas shopping at the mall, spoiled brats in line at the check out, drivers that can’t seem to stay in their designated, clearly marked lanes, losing a limb or normal body function (keep away from the Komodos). Yep.  I get it.  But.  But!  Those are the things that help keep you away from the magic pills.  The small things.  The small miracles you easily overlook while surviving. 

When life decides to be an asshole, deal with it as you must.  Cry.  Scream.  Yell.  Throw something.  Write a nasty letter. Feel the pain.  Feel the hurt.  Feel the knife in your heart or in your back.  Then, when you’re ready, reflect on it.  Why did it happen?  The real reason!  Don’t sugarcoat it.  Feel the rawness of the situation and then draw upon that to learn your lesson.  You have to learn it in order to adapt and evolve.  When you can clearly see the cause of the pain and begin to understand it, that is when a lesson is learned.  Once learned, be sure it is applied.  Once applied, you can start seeing your own rainbows.  Life can become more sparkly.   You might even see a unicorn.  Might.  Key word there.  Otherwise other people might believe you truly are crazy.  

It’s all about finding your balance.  Learning lessons from your past can make your future even better.  Appreciate those little things.  Appreciate the bad things, because they made you who you have become.  Live today with everything you got.  Live in the now.  You never know when everything and everyone around will be gone for good.  Let things be.  Stop worrying.  Enjoy this minute.  And the next minute.  And the next. Crazy, right?

-Bonnie

Of course I have to add some randomness!!!  Enjoy these little things!!


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Jun 12

Thoughts About Weddings…

by oceangrrrl

Weddings.  Some people love them, others hate them.  Everyone has their own personal opinion about them.  Just today I was about to go on a hike, when a guy who just came back from doing it started talking to me.  When I told him I was in town from Texas for a friend’s wedding, his opinion came right on out!  He said they were depressing.  And I completely understood what he meant!  He was proud of being 35 and never getting married, and he never planned on it. To each his own.  

Being through two of them myself and attending others, I see weddings from many different angles now. When you’re young and the idea of getting married is bright and shiny and new, you are blinded quite a bit!  It’s like a polished, chrome bumper catching the sun just right and flashing pure white light into your eyes.  The longer you wait to get married, the more you begin seeing why weddings can be a sad affair. To attend one you feel love and support for the couple, but deep down there is almost a knowing fear of what the future most likely holds.  So many marriages fall apart, and it’s a rare blessing to be part of weddings where the couple truly works to keep it going until death.  

This weekend, one of my very close and dear friends/Army bud is getting married for the second time.  I have not yet met his fiancé, but we know each other via FB (Facebook).  I am so happy he has met his match, and I am so looking forward to meeting his better half tomorrow!  I don’t know her past, and I have no idea if she has been married before, but I have nothing but love for these two people!   Bare, my friend, is like family to me.  My friend list may be shorter than most people’s, but there are very few people I would drive over five hours for, let alone 10.  He’s one of them. Trust me.  Very short list. 

So tomorrow, when I am attending the wedding of a very special and wonderful friend I have know for years, and I hear him say his vows, and I watch him and his bride walk down the aisle together, and I see them dancing at their reception, I will be so filled with love and joy, that there won’t even be any room for the painful memories still gripping me from time to time. 

All hope. All love.  All happiness.  Eternally.  

Love you Bare and Jessica.  

-Bonnie

 Me and Bare 

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Apr 22

I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part 2

by oceangrrrl

Hmmmmmmm.  So I received some very good comments from friends about Part 1.  You guys truly make me think about things a bit more, and I LOVE getting feedback and/or encouragement!  It motivates me to write more often.  Whether or not you want to read this shit more often, well, I’m not holding a gun to your head. 

Anyway, so I need to stop trying to find this ideal I have in my head.  It does get a bit discouraging when hope begins to wane more and more each day, but it’ll happen. Right? Maybe?  One of these years?  So back to the title!

I tried to think about the times where I messed up in past relationships, and I figured out it was when I stopped being me.  I mean, some relationships ended due to the idiot I was with at the time, and I was a fool for even being with that person in the first place!  I have got to learn my lesson there and stop lowering my standards to the point of being blindly stupid!  Ugh!  So yeah.  I have a quick temper at times, but it dissipates just as quickly.  Sometimes the blood boils before the brain gets a proper second to actually think about what’s going on or being said.  I really do try to be open.  The biggest issue I have is saying what I feel.  This is hard.  I am much better at writing!  It gives me a chance to think before I spew out craziness!  But when you’re with someone who puts you down for saying how you feel, it just builds up more resistance about sharing those things.  So now I have a more difficult challenge for the future!  Oh joy!

Being a good wife to some people means taking care of your man.  Oh the feminists just got a bit warm with that one!  And it makes sense.  To a point!  There are limits.  Women are no longer stupid and popping out babies at home (ok, not ALL of them).  This has brought in a rather new side to the whole marriage thing.  I don’t expect a husband to take complete care of me.  I think it should be pretty split.  If I lose a job and need the support, there ya go!  And vice versa!  I feel that I should want to do those extra things wives should do.  It’s about respect and sharing and being grateful and not taking eachother for granted.  That’s hard.  It’s easy to get used to the other half doing things for you and not giving those actions a second thought.  I like feedback.  I like to hear and say thank you.  Not half-assed but genuine.  Why does this fade so easily?  Better yet, why do we let it fade in the first place?  

Ever since my little adventure begin last November, I have let go of a lot of the things in my life, such as stuff!  At times I feel like I should just sell everything in my storage unit. Other times I think of how much it would cost to replace all that crap!  Ugh!  I just don’t know.  So I guess any man in my future would have to be lower on the materialism scale.  I mean, I like nice things, don’t get me wrong, but it is all just stuff in the end.  Stuff!  Crap!  Randomness no one else will enjoy much of when I die!  It’s just the way it is.  

So where could this guy be?  I keep trying to define him a bit more each time, but he is really super awesome at playing hide and seek!  Seriously though. I’m cool with blind dates!  I’m down for a group, blind date!  Bring it!!!  I need to get out more anyway!!!  Hiking anyone?  Maybe some indoor rock climbing?  Rangers game?  Lez go!!!!  🙂

Hopefully this guy won’t mind when I blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m cleaning!  Hopefully he won’t mind too much when I drive fast.  The reason I don’t own anything sporty!  There is a frickin fly somewhere in this room that keeps buzzing me from time to time. It’s dark, and I can’t see it!  Stupid bug!!!!  Anyway, hopefully this guy would take the initiative and kill this bug for me!!!!!  Hopefully this guy thinks it’s cute when I walk through the flower section at the grocery store to smell everything.  Yes.  I do this!  Even when I am alone.  It makes me smile.  🙂

Perhaps I turn out to be an ok wife in the future.  I’ll always try to make him happy.  I will play Call of Duty of the XBox, just not ALL the time.  Sometimes I want to play Tomb Raider or Skyrim!  Yep!  My geek points went up for admitting that!  Yay!  I’ll cook if you wash the dishes, because that is my least favorite part about cooking.  I will not get upset if the food I cook is not very good, but he’d have to be honest about it.  There is nothing worse than someone lying to not hurt feelings all the while knowing they are setting up their doom down the line.  That crappy dish would be made again and again unless something is said about it.  I know I can be frustrating. I’m a girl. Alright, woman.  But that doesn’t mean hormones don’t take over from time to time, and I can cry when a sad commercial comes on or be easily aggravated for no reason. It happens.  Sometimes it can’t be helped, but I will always apologize when I know I’m in the wrong.  Guy has to love cats and dogs and horses and animals in general.  The kindness he shows to animals (and his mom and my daughter) says a lot more about character than most people realize.  The way he treats strangers is also a big character giveaway.  

I think I am putting too much thought into this dream guy, but I know the right one is out there.  Somewhere.  I will find this particular piece of cheese somewhere in this maze!  Maybe he’s a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack?  I can only hope!  So my conclusion from all this is that no, I won’t be a good wife.  I’ll be fucking awesome!  As awesome as possible. Damn bug again!!!!  Argh!!!!  I will be far from perfect, and I will always have emotional baggage, but I will try to dump as much of that crap as possible before meeting him.  As I’ve said before, I’m still working on me, but it can’t hurt to start looking now, right?  Well, I’m doing A LOT of looking. I can look dammit!!!  Doesn’t mean I’m making any moves.  Or eye contact.  :-/

So with that I am going to sleep.  It has been a busy week, and I am tired.  By the way, I got my new skates in today!!!!!  Gave them a 14 mile test skate, and I am absolutely in love with them!!!  😀 

Good night and happy dreams!!!!

-Bonnie

   

         

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Apr 19

Uninspired

by oceangrrrl

i feel the urge to write, but at the moment I am completely uninspired as to what to write about.  Yes.  I do know I started this whole thing as a way to keep family and friends in the know about my whole car living situation. But this blog has turned into something more.  It has become a way for me to vent and humor and find myself and share my random experiences with others.  Whether my blog is popular or not, I understand not every post of mine will be enjoyed by the masses.  I have my mental breakdowns from time to time.  Trees can only bend so far sometimes before they crack and lose a branch.  But life goes on, and I can either grow new branches and learn from the experience(s), or I can wallow in sadness at the loss of one branch all the while blinded and not noticing the new growth around it.  

Life is a fragile thing.  So many highs and lows.  We all go through them. Some of us have lost or gained more than others.  I share a lot about balance and what my thoughts are.  I struggle to find my own balance while fighting gravitational pulls all around me.  It is a constant battle.  My theory is that the world is balanced whether we see it that way or not.  For every good deed there is a bad one.  For the light, there is the dark.  For the cold, the warmth and so on. Now, things may not be in perfect numerical balance, such as in the number of deaths and births, acts of love and hate, but it’s still a balance all the same.  We at times may teeter to one side or another, not realizing there are more than just two sides to everything.  There are gray areas that affect our balance continuously from little things we do everyday to the big things that come along once or twice in our lifetimes.  Balance is about choice, and the choice is ours, and of course, we are solely responsible for the choices we make. It’s hard.  Life is a big, fucking test.  

So the choice I am making about this post is a general one.  Perhaps a nonsensical sort of post that can be applied however you want. You may choose to no longer read it, and that is perfectly fine with me.  You may choose to read and dwell on it a bit and apply it to your current circumstances.  All I hope is that whatever I decide to write about today brings you some sort of joy.  Some joy in knowing that there is light somewhere.  Maybe it’s at the end of a tunnel?  Maybe you just need to flip on the switch?  Maybe you prefer the darkness for now, I hope not, but it’s your life.  I have no right to judge you as you have no right to judge me.  You may put me down to others or talk about my craziness as if you have done no wrong, and that’s fine.  I’m definitely not innocent of doing that.  I know I vent about others sometimes, and people piss me off from time to time, and I can say whatever I want to.  Most of the things I talk about are perceptions, and that does not make them truth.  It makes them catty.  I shouldn’t care what others think about me.  I should be a good enough human being as to where others wouldn’t think bad things about me, but even the best people have their haters.  Haters gonna hate.   😉

So now my post has just turned into a rambling mess of jumbled thoughts.  I am hoping there is a point to all of this, but it’s too early to guarantee it.  I’m still just typing away on my phone, in the bed of my mom’s truck, while laying out and soaking up some golden rays.  It’s nice.  There’s a cool wind blowing, and there are no clouds in sight.  Never mind. I see one cottonball in the sky.  :-/

Last night, a friend and I were texting back and forth.  She is stressing about losing a friendship, one that I feel was a bit toxic for her. She’s one of the sweetest people I know, and it bothers me knowing that I was probably the one who ruined it in a way.  Here is where life choices come into play.  Do you rekindle the friendship, knowing that it is going to cause you stress and unhappiness at times, or do you leave it as it is?  She has a huge heart, and I know it bothers her knowing someone doesn’t think it’s worth the time to be a true friend to her.  It’s tough.  I told her my thoughts on the matter.  I would allow it to remain over.  Trust me.  I have struggled with this same issue, and it wasn’t that long ago. I lost one of my best friends of 15 years.  Although our falling out was much more advanced in nature, I had to make the decision to be ok with dealing with an end to a friendship that ended up making me feel horrible about myself. It was the most toxic friendship ever.  It was friendship that lost the battle to his bruised ego and stubborn nature.  It hurt that someone I had spent so much of my life with didn’t feel the need to see past the hurts we had caused each other to maintain a friendship.  It wouldn’t have been the same, but we would have remained friends.  I miss him everyday.  I toss around the thought of contacting him at least once or twice a week.  It’s tough.  I try not to dwell on it, because all it does is bring sadness.  Anyway, enough about that.  It’s a tad depressing.  

Happy thoughts are what I would like to end this post on, but I don’t know where to go next.  Well, we did make it through some scary storms last night.  We survived the tornados!!!!    Woohoo!!!!  Alright.  I think my brain is done writing for the day.  I’m going to go enjoy a beer.  Ciao for now!!!  🙂

-Bonnie 

         

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Apr 14

Of Mice And Men And The Universe?

by oceangrrrl

So this should be a quick post tonight.  I was messaging with a coworker today when an ex boyfriend of mine logged onto the Skype world.  He and I have always kept in touch, and I couldn’t be happier for him as he just recently remarried. He and his new wife just got back from an amazing vacation.  I mean, it looked pretty damn amazing from all the Facebook posts!  So of course I send him a hello and how are you.  I find out he just recently bought a lake house that he is fixing up and yadda yadda yadda.  Ok. I’m fucking thrilled for you dude!  Now this is where my mind started wandering…

So the wheels are turning.  You’ll get that in a second.  And I am totally going to copy and paste it here, because I’m lazy like that!  😛

why do I continue to be with losers when I have dated nice guys in the past?

[10:18:27 AM] Bonnie Campbell: like, seriously

[10:18:34 AM] Bonnie Campbell: what the F is wrong with me?

[10:18:48 AM] Bonnie Campbell: so then ugly girls get the geeky guys and they buy a lake house and go on vacations

[10:18:52 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and here I am homeless

[10:18:59 AM] Bonnie Campbell:  and yet somehow people envy my lifestyle

[10:19:06 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I don’f effing get it sometimes

[10:19:31 AM] Bonnie Campbell: this world makes absolutely no sense

[10:19:54 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I just don’t understand

[10:20:08 AM] José E: well see now you know you are not ugly

[10:20:19 AM] Bonnie Campbell: ok

[10:20:21 AM] Bonnie Campbell: so I am not ugly

[10:20:28 AM] Bonnie Campbell: doesn’t necessarily mean I think I am pretty

[10:20:36 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I am ok

[10:20:42 AM] José E: who knows, i don’t worry anymore

[10:20:44 AM] Bonnie Campbell: kind of

[10:20:53 AM] Bonnie Campbell: well, I don’t worry about it

[10:20:59 AM] Bonnie Campbell: but it’s still just like, WTF?

[10:21:12 AM] José E: i know

[10:21:13 AM] Bonnie Campbell: baffling

[10:21:43 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I know things happen for a reason, I mean, we somehow find a way to apply some meaning as to why something happened to make us feel better about it, but still

[10:22:03 AM] Bonnie Campbell: the universe is like a big experiment

[10:22:22 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and we are all just individual mice in a maze trying to find cheese

[10:22:30 AM] José E: we are the experiment not the universe

[10:22:40 AM] José E: yes

[10:22:57 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and some of us can smell it, but we can’t seem to locate it because our brains are wired differently and we just get confused and then we’re lost and running in circles because that’s at least something we can do

[10:23:18 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I think I just figured out the universe

[10:23:26 AM] Bonnie Campbell: using mice and cheese analogies

[10:23:31 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I should blog about this


So there you have it!!!!  Life is just one big experiment!!!  We all go searching for our cheese, no matter what that cheese symbolizes, and we are always searching.  Always!  We never seem to be satisfied, and I think that is just the hardest part of it all.  Being happy with who we are and what we have.  


I watched a movie a couple weeks ago, and a couple things really stuck with me. First off it was “Into The Wild.”  An amazing and depressing movie.  The main character reminded me of myself a bit, although I am not nearly as selfish as he was.  But when he finally gets to end of his journey he writes something down that continues to haunt me.  “Happines is only real when shared.”  I am at the point in my adventure where I am enjoying being alone, because it lets me discover myself more. This is also a bit frightening, because I don’t want to be alone forever.  I enjoy spending time with people.  I mean, people who are genuine and don’t drive me nuts, but you get what I’m saying.  So now I need to be concerned about too much alone time.  Damn this balance thing sometimes!!!!  It’s ok.  I’ll handle it.  I will continue to find my balance until I can find someone who’s worth being unbalanced for.  For now, it’s my time to find me and be a better person for my daughter and family and friends.  Oh to be a mouse!


Good night dear reader.  Sweet dreams and love and harmony and cheese.   🙂


-Bonnie

   

       

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