I am determined to actually post something this time dammit! Multiple attempts at writing anything have left me with a good number of drafts. I always seem to want to write, but then I just sort of drift off and save it for later. And if you’re anything like me, saving something for later equates to most likely never getting it finished in the future.
This is just one of many brain quirks that has risen to the surface of my new life post mental abuse. My trauma response. This “new” me is a pain in my ass, leaving me frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, forgetful, distracted, and downright lazy. Not only am I continuing to heal from my past relationship, I am constantly fighting my own brain as it constantly attempts to keep me “safe” from myself.
I’ve done a good bit of self reflection over the last couple years, and I have revisited so much of the past six that I am officially worn out from all the reflecting and analyzing. Yes. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, and why my brain now feels like a traitor, but I’ve also learned quite a bit about why my ex was the way he was. But I’m not here to write about him. I’m writing about me. He can fuck off straight to Hell at this point, but knowing him, he will just recreate his own and remain there. Not my problem to worry about anymore. Instead, I need to focus on retraining my brain to stop “protecting” me by keeping me locked up in this mental prison of “safety”.
I’ve always had issues with sleep, but my insomnia has been jet propelled into space by a diagnosis of adult onset ADD (I wish I had the hyperactivity part but NOPE) fueled by a trauma response. Let me tell you something about my brain, it sees EVERYTHING. It thinks about EVERYTHING. It wants to learn and see and do fucking EVERYTHING. If I haven’t made it clear to you, my brain doesn’t shut the fuck off anymore. For example, it’s currently 2:40 am CST. Make that 2:41. And guess who is not sleeping. THIS GIRL! Ugh! So what am I to do? 2:42…
Anyway, here I am. Writing to clear my head. I’m pretty sure it’s not working, because now I am wrestling with my thoughts in an attempt to not venture off down some side quest trail as I try to remain on my original story plot path. Focus!
Trauma responses. Ok.
So along with my continued attempts of self realization and self healing and self yada yada yada, I have developed these response quirks that are aggravating as fuck! I used to be one of those people who would get shit done. Like I was on it! I would wake up early, get to work early, get work done, go to the gym, cook dinner, clean the house, etc. etc. etc. Shit was done! Now? I have to drag my ass out of bed, a battle I can barely seem to win anymore. Cook? Maybe a couple times a month anymore, because dishes, and besides, PB&Js are delicious. 🙄 Work out? Why work out when I can be fat and lazy at home eating PB&Js? 🙄 Running errands? Really? Only if I can squeeze them in to a single afternoon/evening, and if not? I can just do it later. Remember what I mentioned about later? Yeah… 🙄 How about work? Work? I do my best work under pressure. Something I have always done, but if I’m not under pressure my brain gets squirreled. Constantly! Constant squirrel attack. Even now I am under attack by squirrels. Things that I used to be able to knock out quickly and efficiently have become these long, drawn out tasks that get done. They just take longer. I no longer have the drive, the urgency, the pressure to get it done. Instead I have pressure just to focus on the task at hand without thinking of the other hundred tasks that are waiting for me after I get just one done. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?!
This is new territory. This is a whole new level of squirrel battleground, and I feel like I am losing it. My love of being organized has become cluttered chaos. Tasks that are easy, tasks I KNOW are easy for me, have become arduous and overwhelming. This is not normal. This is not who I used to be. This is not easy. And God have I read so much about this and my brain and why it is doing what it is doing. Lord help me! It’s one thing to read and know and understand, it’s a whole other thing to apply and correct. NOT easy. 3:01.
So back onto my original story path, life is better. I am better. To a point. I don’t cry everyday like I had for so long. I don’t dwell and mourn over what I had and the future that I wanted to have. Yes. There are times I miss my ex. There are times I miss what could have been. But then I snap back to reality and remember he was a narcissistic asshole with extreme mental health issues who can only live his life as a victim in order to use and gaslight people until he sucks them dry of any use and then discards them as if they were rotting garbage. I know this from experience, because I was his garbage, so, uh, there’s that.
Anyway, I will continue to do my best trying to apply my newly gained wisdom, and I will continue to learn and grow. All I can say for certain is that I am not the coward I wrote about a couple years ago. Am I the girl I wrote about who was alive and full of hope and dreams and happiness? No. Not exactly, but at least I smile everyday. I may be fatter and more out of shape than I have ever been in my life, but that sure as shit isn’t going to keep me from finding joy in life. Maybe I’ll get my fat self slimmer, stronger, happier, or maybe I will stay like this a little longer as I wrestle my own brain for control. Who knows! Maybe I should try getting some sleep first. Haha! I don’t see it happening at the moment. But hey! I finally got something written and posted! I win! This round anyway. Thank you for spending a few minutes with me and my randomness. I hope you have a wonderfully beautiful day!
-Bonnie
(3:15)
Bonnie’s Beach 🏖 