Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

It’s Not Me…

It’s you.

A poison.

A victim to your own false bravado. Pretending to be something more than you truly are. Believing you are owed respect while simultaneously disrespecting those who truly love you. You only show respect to those you fear. But those who love you, who truly want to help you, who want to be there for you, are easy targets. You claim everyone who loves you eventually fucks you over, while knowingly taking advantage of their kindness and willingness to open their hearts to you as you manipulate them, use them, lie to them, steal from them, and discard them when your facade falls away. You give them no choice but to protect themselves from you and your abuse.

Don’t you see the pattern yet? Are you in such denial that you refuse to admit your true faults? That your actions speak louder than words ever could? That all the love in the universe will eventually run out when you waste it? When you blame it? Bully it? Degrade it? Shun it? Spite it? Abuse it? Deny it?

Claiming to not give a fuck about others and their feelings, only shows how you refuse to love yourself. Your desire to be the good and kindhearted man so many of us know exists, is overshadowed by your pride, your ego, and your anger. You are a coward who claims to know who he is while hiding behind his silver grin. Running away from everyone and everything when paranoia turns the world against you.

You have been told before, you get what you give. You only give what you want to but disregard what is needed. You twist words and emotions to forge daggers to pierce the hearts of anyone within arms reach. Your attempts to force blood from stones blinds you to the fact that the blood is your own, from your own hands. The harder you squeeze the deeper the cuts become, as you tighten your grip on the sharp edges you created.

You push away.

You run away.

You hide from the truth you claim to know and preach.

The frustration caused by your inability to control others is a reflection of how you are unable to control yourself. Your anger. The nature you up learned from various teachers while growing in such a dark, cold world, and there is little doubt you learned from the best.

You’re so blind.

But you choose to be that way.

You’re tortured by choice.

You’re alone by choice.

How can you bend and grow and love when your rigidity breaks in a strong wind?

You have shattered the hearts of those around you, forcing them to put up walls which only proves your own point: the truth you want to believe is true, is just the lie that you created.

You wound everyone so deeply that they become dangerous. Like injured animals they lash out and defend themselves from you. So they can survive. Because choosing to be complicit while slowly bleeding out, means certain death.

And what good is a heart after it’s stopped beating?

How do you expect to receive love when you have singlehandedly destroyed it?

How do you ever expect yourself to love anyone, including yourself, when you choose to suffocate it before it can take its first breath?

You are loved more than you know.

We all see through you now, and yet we still choose to love you. Yes. We have protected ourselves from the you you show to the world. We may be naive in our hopes that the goodness, battling deep inside you for air and sunlight, will once again break the surface and win the war.

It’s ultimately your choice, and who gives a fuck what we think?

We are not you.

I am not you.

And now I have to learn to live with these new walls that have been erected to save myself.

But those walls are not me.

They are you.

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Irritants…

I’m not even sure what to write about tonight. Pretty much anything I do just irritates people. I feel like I fuck up more often than not. Even on the things I know how to do, I feel stupid.

My past post seemed to give a couple people a guilty conscious to where they are now avoiding me like the plague. breaking the silence with a meme does not constitute communicating. but whatever. What do I expect when I have no friends to spend time with or the rare ones I do have are busy with their own lives and priorities.

I’m tired and sad and lonely. All I want to do is sleep but instead I am awake and writing out some randomness.

Oh well. Guess I’ll get some sleep. At least I can catch some zzzzzzz with a clear mind. It is what it is.

Goodnight.

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Time To Stop With The Laziness!!!!

As most of you have noticed, I have not been in my car for quite a while. Why? Well, I have been lazy. Yes!  It’s true!  L-A-Z-Y!!!  I have been enjoying the comfort and convenience and family for a few extra weeks, but the time has come where I have felt that I have come to the verge of wearing out my welcome.  This is the feeling I was hoping to never feel when staying with anyone.  So, I am currently hoping to find out about that room for rent this week.  If it all works out I may have a place for the summer.  If not, I will be buying some battery operated fans until I do.  Maybe buying some screen material too.  Maybe rigging up a swamp cooler or something.  We shall see.  So keep your fingers crossed that this guy renting a room isn’t completely oogie!  I’m basically going to just shower and sleep there during the week.  If cats are welcome that’s even more of a plus, because one of mine is driving my mom nuts, and she’s threatening to throw her outside.  I am taking the threats seriously. So, unless someone wants to volunteer to watch a cat for a few months, I need to find a place that’s pet friendly.  That makes it even more difficult, but not impossible. Wish me luck!

A lot of you don’t know that I got some artwork done last Wednesday.  I am planning on getting more done in the very near future.  

  

It’s on my right shoulder and it is an ode to my grandma.  I miss her everyday.  The next couple I get will be for my mom and my mini me, and they will just have to see.  The pieces I plan on getting all have meanings to me whether the people they represent understand them or not.  Have no fear.  I will not be getting any tats on my face. You know. Just in case that thought randomly occurred to you and struck you with momentary horror!   

This past weekend was pretty awesome!  Tiring but totally worth it!!  Friday I had my brew mile and went to an art show in Deep Ellum.  My trainer actually ran it with me!  It was a ton of fun!!!  Then I kicked his ass at cornhole.  That was even more fun!  Saturday morning was a terrible day for training, but I went, and it was awful.  Between the serious lack of sleep and a lot of beer the night before, my body didn’t want any part of it!  None!  It was baaaaaaaaad.  That afternoon was my friend’s birthday gathering at a coworker’s house.  He and his wife made a ton of homemade pizza, and it was sooooooooo good!!!  I hadn’t eaten pizza in over four months, so I definitely enjoyed it! Beer, pizza, good people, it was great!  Hung out at her house that night where we watched Ouija.  It was stupid.  It was a stupid horror film   The funny part was that my mini me and my friend were both creeped out and couldn’t sleep.  I made it worse by cracking jokes in poor, horror taste, and I had a blast!  I don’t think she’ll ever watch another scary movie with me.  

Sunday was MayFest!!!  Annual tradition with the munchkin, and my friend joined us with her two munchkins.  It was a lot of fun!  Rode some rides.  Got to eat my fries Oreos and meat pies from the same vendor who is there every year!  Her food is so damn good!!!  Tried her gator bites, which were far better than any I have eaten at a Cajun place. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!  We walked around the vendors that were set up, and the two younger kids did sand art.  We rode on the Ferris wheel, and the mini me and I rode the tilt a whirl!  We were both super excited it was back, because it wasn’t there last year.  Got to pet the waterskiing squirrel!!  So cute!!!  Got to feed a white tiger!  That was pretty cool!  I’ll post pics of it all at the bottom.  

Anyway, I am super sleepy and need to get to passing out. Oh!  My munchkin has her colorguard tryouts going on this week!  Keep your fingers crossed that she makes the varsity team for her freshman year of high school!!  She is growing up way too fast!!!  She’s also super talented at what she does, and she loves it!  I am pretty sure she’ll make it, since she practices every chance she gets!  Alright, hope you at least slightly enjoyed the post tonight.  I have more I could write about, but it’s late.  I’ll write more in the next couple days. Good night and sweet dreams!!!

-Bonnie

   

               

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Piece Of Mind

So yeah.  It’s been a few days.  I could be going to sleep right now, but I’m writing this for you.  You know who you are!  😉

As a few of you know I ran my first official 5k this past weekend.  It was a pretty sad time of 40 minutes, but I passed plenty of people who started way ahead of me.  So that felt amazing!  Of course, I was also passed by plenty who started behind me.  Whatever, I did it, and I had a blast!!!  Plus there was finish line wine, not to mention the wine I had waiting for me in the car.  Little did I know that said wine’s ice was melting, leaking out of the cooler bag, and soaking my entire bed!!!  Thankfully I was staying at my mom’s that night.  So the next morning I had to pull my blankets and my new gel foam thing out of the car to wash and dry.  After all that, of course my home went quickly back to normal.  🙂  So things were ok on the homefront!

Next weekend on the 11th I am doing the Battlefrogs race!  It should be a blast!!!  Although that is going to be one busy day!!!   I am hoping to take my mini me and a friend’s mini me to the Main Street Arts Festival in downtown Fort Worth!!!  It is sooooooo much fun, and there are some truly amazing artists out there!  I am sure we will have a great day! MayFest will be coming up soon too!!!  I can’t wait!!!  Although as Madi gets older the more we just go for the fried Oreos, meat pies and vendors.  We still have fun, and besides, it’s tradition!  😉

So I am quickly fading out.  The wind is gusting through my cracked windows, and I hope there won’t be any freak showers tonight!  On that note, I wish you a pleasant evening and sweet dreams!  I’ll try to update you a bit more tomorrow.  I know this was a short one!

-Bonnie





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Almost a Week!!!!!!!! Oh Noooooooo…

I don’t think you have missed me too badly since I haven’t gotten crap from anyone asking why I hadn’t written lately. Well ok, maybe my mom said something about it, but I have been spending quite a bit of time with her lately, and she’s been up to date on everything anyway. I think I slept in my car maybe once the past six days which I had been missing. Tonight I was going to stay at my dad’s, but the weather isn’t crazy cold so may as well sleep in my own cave. 🙂

After doing this for a month I realize I have brought too much crap with me in my car and plan on dumping some of it off at storage. I have also realized that I am still just as lazy as before and desperately need to start working out again. Like really. Really need to start running again and doing the standard push ups and core stuff along with some squats. I know what I need to do. I’m just lazy. Really lazy… Not a good thing! I am thinking maybe getting a trainer just to get me back into it may help. That whole accountability thing works for me. I have no problem letting myself down, but I don’t like letting others down, if that makes any sense. To my brain it totally works. Now I just need to stop procrastinating and buy some sessions. Lazy lazy lazy. I got that down to a fine art! 😉

This has been a pretty good week. Got to work out in the field doing some wiring at a crossing. That was fun! Nice to get out from behind my computer. And speaking of computers, I finally got my new work computer, a laptop, so when I travel or feel extremely under the weather, I can still work!!! It’s quite nice actually! Yay!!!! I ordered my iPhone 6 and should get that soon. Going to get my daughter’s Christmas presents all bought. 🙂 I have an appointment to get my hair done on Thursday. Hopefully flying out to Cali on Friday for a horn demo next Monday. Today my best friend had a Christmas/holiday dinner party, and that was fun. I have a good bit going this month. Weird that it’s so busy though. Not complaining, but I still can’t get over the weirdness factor of it all. Hmmmmm…

Anyway, I need to get an early night tonight and catch up on my sleep. I have a super early day tomorrow and a lot to get done. Wish me luck! So on that note have a wonderful night and sweet dreams to you. 🙂

-B

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