Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Tell Me Lies…

Honestly I’d rather you not, but we all do it. Don’t lie. You know you do. We all lie at some point.

I bring this up, because a lie is bothering me this evening. Not one I told, but one that was told to me. The problem with lies is that when you’ve done your fair share of lying in the past, you become quite good at it. So good in fact that you know when you’re being lied to even when it’s something small. It is easier to believe these false words than so as not to fully accept them. So this lie, that shouldn’t really matter to me at all is pestering my mind like the single mosquito in the room when you’re trying to fall asleep. It wasn’t recent, and yet it pops up from time to time as if it happened yesterday.

So with my bringing up lies and lying and liars in general, it’s funny how people are offended or angry when their lies are called out. No one likes to be called out on their bullshit. For example, the older I have gotten the more I enjoy not going out. Oh! I miss the energy of friends and the memories of social gatherings, but as I get more crotchety and lazy, it doesn’t always feel like it’s worth it. It is. It’s worth every damn bit of stress or anxiety or primping, but it’s So. Much. Easier. To just stay home. So what do we do when this happens? How many of us say that we are currently enjoying our hermitting stage and just don’t feel like dealing with the hassle of going out? I have. It’s rare. But mostly it’s an excuse, or I don’t feel well, my partner isn’t feeling well, or I have an early morning, etc, etc, etc. The lying comes with ease, because it is so so so easy. It’s easier to explain we don’t feel well rather than go into why we would rather have a stay in and watch a movie or why our current mental strength is not up to the task of being around others.

We lie. We lie to make others feel better. At least we liars believe that our lie is saving someone some grief, but is it? Let me ask you something, when you lie like this, to get out of something, does it make you feel better? Or do you feel guilty after it’s come out of your face? You know you may have just lied to your best friend, and deep down you know they know. So does it ever feel worth it to ourselves? Are we really saving anyone from grief when they 99.9% of the time know you’re making shit up? Not really. We make ourselves feel like shit for lying about something we shouldn’t have to lie about to begin with, and yet we continue the tradition.

Think of all the times you have lied to save someone’s feelings. The lies of encouragement when you don’t have the heart to be real, because it will spare a person pain. So many lies. I love your outfit when you wouldn’t be caught dead in it. Or I love your makeup even though someone has obviously spent too much time and money to look like a cheap whore. Even the silent lie to save not just their embarrassment but also our own. How many times have you let that person smile at you without saying there’s something in their teeth and then watch them smile away at others who do the same thing? Maybe not the same thing as lying, but it’s far from pointing out some honesty.

How many lies do we tell ourselves on a daily basis? How many do we believe? Do we eventually tell these personal lies so often that we believe them? Do our lies control our feelings toward ourselves? Sometimes we even lie to ourselves, repeating over and over and over again that we are happy. We look good. We feel good. Mantras to get as motivated in the morning can begin as a lie and then slowly progress towards the truth. Funny how that works. Day in. Day out. Every day. I feel good. I feel happy. Lying until it’s true. Sort of like the whole fake it til you make it. The way we dress. The way we speak. The way we act. We are all just a bunch of liars. Always trying to show others we think they want to see. Putting on our costumes and masks to hide the real us. It’s easy to pick out the ones in the crowd who don’t care anymore, who aren’t out to be something they’re not. The ones who choose their lies more carefully and use only when needed.

The one person I lie to the most is myself. Deep down I don’t like me. I don’t like being lazy. I don’t like feeling unattractive. I don’t like who I am anymore. Only the lies I tell myself get me through the day anymore. They’re the only things that boost my confidence levels enough to get things done. I lie and say I like me. I lie and say I look good in this outfit. I lie and say my hair looks good. But it’s all lies!!!!!!!!!

But do I want to hear the truth? We know how much the truth hurts. Do we all want to know the truth about everything.? Or is it better to accept the lies and believe them to be true? As easy as it is to lie, maybe it’s even easier to just accept it and move along. so that lie that continues to haunt me, I might as well accept it as a lie someone told me to keep from hurting my feelings. It was a lie made to make someone else feel better about themselves. And that’s fine. But it’s still a long way away from the honestly I was craving at the time.

So be honest. Your loved ones deserve it. Even when it hurts. Even when it makes them feel guilty. Demand the truth from them in return. Now go drink some expensive tea and relax. Repeat some mantras until you believe them. Then go out to the world and show them the real you. There no resin the hide yourself under a blanket of lies.

Enough rambling on and on. Have a good evening. Would love to hear some comments on how this post makes you feel.

-Bonnie

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Time To Stop With The Laziness!!!!

As most of you have noticed, I have not been in my car for quite a while. Why? Well, I have been lazy. Yes!  It’s true!  L-A-Z-Y!!!  I have been enjoying the comfort and convenience and family for a few extra weeks, but the time has come where I have felt that I have come to the verge of wearing out my welcome.  This is the feeling I was hoping to never feel when staying with anyone.  So, I am currently hoping to find out about that room for rent this week.  If it all works out I may have a place for the summer.  If not, I will be buying some battery operated fans until I do.  Maybe buying some screen material too.  Maybe rigging up a swamp cooler or something.  We shall see.  So keep your fingers crossed that this guy renting a room isn’t completely oogie!  I’m basically going to just shower and sleep there during the week.  If cats are welcome that’s even more of a plus, because one of mine is driving my mom nuts, and she’s threatening to throw her outside.  I am taking the threats seriously. So, unless someone wants to volunteer to watch a cat for a few months, I need to find a place that’s pet friendly.  That makes it even more difficult, but not impossible. Wish me luck!

A lot of you don’t know that I got some artwork done last Wednesday.  I am planning on getting more done in the very near future.  

  

It’s on my right shoulder and it is an ode to my grandma.  I miss her everyday.  The next couple I get will be for my mom and my mini me, and they will just have to see.  The pieces I plan on getting all have meanings to me whether the people they represent understand them or not.  Have no fear.  I will not be getting any tats on my face. You know. Just in case that thought randomly occurred to you and struck you with momentary horror!   

This past weekend was pretty awesome!  Tiring but totally worth it!!  Friday I had my brew mile and went to an art show in Deep Ellum.  My trainer actually ran it with me!  It was a ton of fun!!!  Then I kicked his ass at cornhole.  That was even more fun!  Saturday morning was a terrible day for training, but I went, and it was awful.  Between the serious lack of sleep and a lot of beer the night before, my body didn’t want any part of it!  None!  It was baaaaaaaaad.  That afternoon was my friend’s birthday gathering at a coworker’s house.  He and his wife made a ton of homemade pizza, and it was sooooooooo good!!!  I hadn’t eaten pizza in over four months, so I definitely enjoyed it! Beer, pizza, good people, it was great!  Hung out at her house that night where we watched Ouija.  It was stupid.  It was a stupid horror film   The funny part was that my mini me and my friend were both creeped out and couldn’t sleep.  I made it worse by cracking jokes in poor, horror taste, and I had a blast!  I don’t think she’ll ever watch another scary movie with me.  

Sunday was MayFest!!!  Annual tradition with the munchkin, and my friend joined us with her two munchkins.  It was a lot of fun!  Rode some rides.  Got to eat my fries Oreos and meat pies from the same vendor who is there every year!  Her food is so damn good!!!  Tried her gator bites, which were far better than any I have eaten at a Cajun place. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!  We walked around the vendors that were set up, and the two younger kids did sand art.  We rode on the Ferris wheel, and the mini me and I rode the tilt a whirl!  We were both super excited it was back, because it wasn’t there last year.  Got to pet the waterskiing squirrel!!  So cute!!!  Got to feed a white tiger!  That was pretty cool!  I’ll post pics of it all at the bottom.  

Anyway, I am super sleepy and need to get to passing out. Oh!  My munchkin has her colorguard tryouts going on this week!  Keep your fingers crossed that she makes the varsity team for her freshman year of high school!!  She is growing up way too fast!!!  She’s also super talented at what she does, and she loves it!  I am pretty sure she’ll make it, since she practices every chance she gets!  Alright, hope you at least slightly enjoyed the post tonight.  I have more I could write about, but it’s late.  I’ll write more in the next couple days. Good night and sweet dreams!!!

-Bonnie

   

               

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Piece Of Mind

So yeah.  It’s been a few days.  I could be going to sleep right now, but I’m writing this for you.  You know who you are!  😉

As a few of you know I ran my first official 5k this past weekend.  It was a pretty sad time of 40 minutes, but I passed plenty of people who started way ahead of me.  So that felt amazing!  Of course, I was also passed by plenty who started behind me.  Whatever, I did it, and I had a blast!!!  Plus there was finish line wine, not to mention the wine I had waiting for me in the car.  Little did I know that said wine’s ice was melting, leaking out of the cooler bag, and soaking my entire bed!!!  Thankfully I was staying at my mom’s that night.  So the next morning I had to pull my blankets and my new gel foam thing out of the car to wash and dry.  After all that, of course my home went quickly back to normal.  🙂  So things were ok on the homefront!

Next weekend on the 11th I am doing the Battlefrogs race!  It should be a blast!!!  Although that is going to be one busy day!!!   I am hoping to take my mini me and a friend’s mini me to the Main Street Arts Festival in downtown Fort Worth!!!  It is sooooooo much fun, and there are some truly amazing artists out there!  I am sure we will have a great day! MayFest will be coming up soon too!!!  I can’t wait!!!  Although as Madi gets older the more we just go for the fried Oreos, meat pies and vendors.  We still have fun, and besides, it’s tradition!  😉

So I am quickly fading out.  The wind is gusting through my cracked windows, and I hope there won’t be any freak showers tonight!  On that note, I wish you a pleasant evening and sweet dreams!  I’ll try to update you a bit more tomorrow.  I know this was a short one!

-Bonnie





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And There Goes An Hour Of Sleep…

Everyone loves a good time change, am I right? Maybe in the Fall. In the Spring, not so much. A glorious hour of sleep will be lost at 2 am, and it won’t be back for a while. It’s ok though! I’m good with it! More daylight in the evenings! Woohoo!!! I am a full on sun worshipper, and I love being outside when it’s warm. I’ll be out there when it’s hot too, although pools and bodies of water make the Texas heat quite a bit more bearable. So, for more daytime, I’m down with losing that measly little hour! 🙂

I know I haven’t written much lately. My home was in the shop all this past week, and I have been house/pet sitting the last couple weeks. It’s always strange being in someone’s home, and I hate trying to find things! I love being able to borrow their kitchen and cook up some good grub, but I hate having to open their cabinets and drawers to find cutting boards and utensils and all that fun stuff that makes cooking a little easier. I am more than happy to help out though and take care of someone’s home and furry family members. It’s very nice having the freedom to be able to do that!

Today was a pretty good day! Met a good friend for coffee before the gym this morning. Trainer tried to kill me again! Although I am not happy with my progress. I mean, I can see the difference, and I can feel the difference, but I am disappointed in myself. My trainer is awesome, and it’s totally not him! Don’t misread that I am unhappy with my trainer at all!!! I just know I can do more, and I constantly have mental battles with myself, and my weaknesses keep winning out. Especially over the past couple weeks. I know I am not eating right. The weather has been shitty. My mood has been shitty because of the weather. I haven’t been happy. I have been very lazy. Very lazy! It’s just straight down a steep hill on the roller coaster, and I need to make my way back up again. I need to get my head back on straight. It’s just frustrating to know what I was capable of before, and I can’t even do a quarter of those things anymore, and I just feel weak. I know it’s a long process. I know I won’t see changes overnight. But ugh!!!

Anyway, enough of that! You don’t really want to read about my gym time anyway! Mini me and her fellow cadets had their last competition of the season today. It was the championships, and they got second place! They were only .3 points behind first place.
😦 They did so well though!!! They were incredibly awesome!!!! I’m so proud of her!!!!!!! I’m so happy she has found something she loves doing, and she’s so good at it!!! She practices her butt off, and it shows!!! I love watching her do colorguard!
Angel pie, I love you so much!!!! You make me proud!!!!

Well, I am super sleepy!!! So with that I am going to attempt to get some sleep! I might dream of, well, that’s none of your business. 😉 Sweet dreams…

-Bonnie

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My Car Is Lonesome Tonight…

Well, I haven’t been in my car since Friday morning. The weekend was spent at my mom’s with the munchkin. It was pretty uneventful, and Sunday was an awesome day of just lounging around and lazily enjoying the shitty weather. I am now residing at my dad’s for house/dog sitting through Friday. This actually works out quite well for the week. I will miss being in my car, but it will be nice to sleep in a place that remains heated throughout the night. I am quite sure my uvula thanks me. If you don’t get that reference you need to go back and read my past scribblings. Do it now!!!!! Just kidding! You can finish this one first. 😉

Didn’t get my workout in today due to my laziness, and I feel like a blob because of it. If the office is closed due to inclement weather, which I doubt, I’ll be making up for the lost gym time tomorrow. We shall see…

Finally watched the Dracula Untold movie. It was actually pretty frickin good! Loved the sweet twist at the end. Totally not being sarcastic right there. It was sweet. 🙂 After I cooked up some tasty chicken for dinner at dad’s, I rented a movie and was sadly disappointed. 😦 Dumb and Dumber To wasn’t nearly as funny as I thought it was going to be. I was so excited! It had been so long!!! On the bright side, it was much better than the prequel!!!! Dear God!!! I don’t know if I’ve seen a movie worse than that one! On second thought I probably have, but Dumb and Dumberer totally takes the absolutely awful and terrible award! Hands down!

I got to expose the mini me to my favorite Cable Guy scene today!!! A few weeks ago it was Billy Madison and the swan! Today it was the fight scene at Medieval Times! Of course I made her watch the Kirk and Spock fight scene first to understand the hilarity! Oh she got it all right! Now she knows why I start singing the fight music from that scene along with doing the prrrrrrrrrrrhah sound. If you have seen this scene, you know exactly what those letters sounded like in your head, and that’s all that matters.

On that note I am going to bed. I am sleepy. It is way past my bedtime! Good night and sweet dreams! 🙂

-B

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Just A Quickie!

I don’t really have too much to write about this evening, but I did tell someone I would add something to the blog this evening. First off, I would like to say hi to a very old friend of mine who finally decided to sit down and read my craziness! Took you damn long enough SSG!!!!! He’s not a staff sergeant. He’s the sleeveless shirt guy!!! He knows who he is!!!

I would also like to say hi to the woman who keeps my one vanity looking beautiful! So hi Sam!!!!! And my hair looks awesome! As usual! You rock!!! Yes. I got my hair did this evening. I swear one of these days I am just going to book an appointment to have my hair played with! I just want to sit there while someone practices fishtails or braids or just runs their fingers through it. Girl. Guy. I don’t care. I could just sit back, relax, close my eyes and be in heaven. Seriously! Can this be a legit service offering???? You know what I am talking about!!!! It feels so incredible when someone runs their fingers through your hair!!! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh…

Anyway, not too much going on. Supposedly there is a super black moon tonight? I haven’t seen it. I need to pull up my night sky app to find out where the hell the moon is! Yeah yeah. There are plenty of terrible jokes that could go with that, but I don’t even have to say them, because you already thought them! Don’t deny it! If you can’t laugh at yourself, you can’t laugh at anyone else. And believe me! I laugh at myself a lot!!!! If anyone can trip over an invisible step or rock on the floor, it’s me. And maybe my munchkin… Poor thing got my grace!

With that little blurb of nonsense, I shall sign off and get some sleep. Between the pelting, asshole rain and the cold trying to freeze any limbs not covered by a blanket, I have not gotten much sleep the past few nights. I think tonight will be better. 🙂

Good night and sweet dreams! :*

-Bonnie

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What I Have Learned Thus Far…

This post is going to follow the title. I will do my best to keep my emotional craziness internal this evening. Although I do need to mention that it is a great night for writing in the car as the rain falls gently. Unlike when it woke me up through last night when it decided to come in random, pelting waves of wake the fuck up! Yeah. Not a good night of sleep. Sorry. Totally started veering off-subject.

So! What have I learned while living in my car? I have learned that although living in one’s vehicle is frowned upon by society, a lot of people secretly wish they had the balls to do it. Even temp living like me. I’ll be looking for a place again in a couple months. God knows I couldn’t do this for a Texas summer. Nope! No way! But it is incredible the amount of financial freedom one can obtain while doing this. I have actually been able to save!!!! Like seriously save! I almost don’t even want to stop my car living, but unless I build some sort of AC, solar contraption (I know you would help, Bare!), it just isn’t feasible.

What else have I learned? It’s amazing how you start to see the things you own as crap. It’s just stuff. Take for instance my bedroom set which is currently sitting in storage. I love my four post, king sized bed! Don’t get me wrong! But dude! I am dreading moving that thing again along with the matching ginormous dresser and armour. Just dreading it! Ugh! I am to the point where I wish I had the skill to build my own, highly functional and easily movable furniture. I thought I had gotten rid of a ton of crap when I moved, but my storage unit tells another story. Which reminds me, I haven’t paid this month yet! Guess I will be doing that when I am done writing. Oops!

I have learned that hanging my towel up to dry on a bungee cord also serves as a great window blocker. The same goes for my other bungee with a blanket across my front seats from the two handle grips for the back seat. Also my clothing bar with my hair towel draped in the middle to dry would keep anyone from seeing my face through the back window. I’d take a pic, but it’s dark in here. 😉 The other side is blocked by my drawers where I just stack stuff on top so you can’t see in on that side either. Oh yeah. I got this!

Putting part of my backseat up for an extra person to ride in my car is almost not worth the effort. My child was a witness to the hell that something so “simple” could turn into an absolute pain in the ass. If you need a ride in my car, I had better like you. A LOT!!!! I mean, you had better be on my good side, because after I finally get shit reorganized to get that seat to lock in the upright position, I am probably not going to like you for a little while. All I could do is recommend that you give me alone time after we are done hanging out. Just throwing that out there!

I have learned not to drink a lot of liquids before getting all cozy and snuggly in the back. Yeah. You probably think I’m kidding! I am being dead serious!!! That bathroom isn’t very far away, but it really really really sucks to climb to the front seat, remember the key card, put on those cold flip-flops and walk my impatient bladder into the building. Although it is kinda funny to scare the cleaning people from time to time. 😀 Speaking of this paragraph… Dammit!!!

Let’s see. What else have I learned? It is still unnerving to stay in my car at night. Even if I am parked right by the office building where I work, there is a security car and the occasional police car that drive through. I am waiting to hear a tap on the glass one night, but so far no one has bothered me. I have warned friends not to sneak up on my vehicle. I do keep loaded protection next to me when I sleep. They’re hollow points. Don’t knock on my window without calling me first. I also have a kukri and a couple of other sharp objects. I take my personal safety seriously! Another reason why I am not a fan of the midnight wake up call to go into the building.
I don’t need anyone seeing me leaving or entering my vehicle.

So there are a few things I have learned from my current living situation. Maybe they can help someone who might be thinking about this whole car living thing. I don’t know. Anyway, I felt like sharing this. If you have any questions or comments just let me know. I have added a contact form on my “About” page. If you’re lucky enough to know me better just message me on FB. And with that I am signing off. Have a good night and sweet dreams. 🙂

-Bonnie

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Moving Along…

So the day of commercial love has come and gone! I have survived!!! Heart is still intact!!! Not like it was ever in any real danger or anything, but it does make a lot of stupid decisions!!!

I would also like to take this time to apologize for my last post. It was waaaaaaaaaaay more whiny than I intended. Life is not that bad, but the universe was frustrating me a bit, and I shared my emotional outburst with everyone like a broken-hearted, temper tantrum, flailing, screaming toddler who just wants that bright, shiny object at the checkout counter. Some of you, I know, truly enjoy living through my craziness. Maybe I make you feel sane? Others I am sure wonder why they still have me in their FB friends list. And still some of you are truly interested in reading about the randomness of my days. This, I believe, still helps with that whole sanity thing. 😉

It was a pretty good weekend though! The weather was beautiful!!! Yesterday I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey with Miss D! NOT as racy as the book, but damn!!! Definitely, uh, made the theater feel a bit hotter. Definitely! Aft wards we went out to The Reservoir for some grub. We split the smorgasbord, which is a sampler of basically their fried appetizers. After ordering it I ordered a skinny rita. This made me feel like the chick at the fast food place who orders a diet coke with their super sized order. It was Valentine’s Day! Totally worth it!!!!!!!! After all that, I went to River Legacy where my best friend and I hung out and played catch. Always fun! Although my arms were a tad spaghetti-ish from the gym that morning. It was awesome Chinese food for dinner and then back to my mom’s where we stayed up watching Aliens until 2am.

Today was an early day. Lunch at Central Market with family to celebrate my sister in-law’s baby shower. Then we all went to the gun show!!!! Woohoo!!!! Nothing says Valentine’s weekend like a family trip to the gun show!!! Can’t find my damn ammo anywhere, or if I do it’s super expensive! Argh!!!!

Anyway, need to get all cozied up in my nest and pass out! I have an assignment for you all! I was reminded of this yesterday, and it always makes me laugh! Go to YouTube and search for “fucking tea”. You’ll be happy you did! Should be the first video on the list! If you don’t think it’s funny, well then, we need to work on your sense of humor!!!

Good night and sweet dreams!

-Bonnie

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I Feel Like Writing A Bit…

So I am chillin in the car. Just thinking. My stomach is making random noises like something out of an aliens movie. The wind is blowing as a Texas cold front continues to drop our spring-like temps back into winter reality. Although a Texas winter is like spring to the North. I am not apologetic about this. I like not having to step outside into weather that hurts my face. It’s nice! No negative thirties here! Woohoo!!! So 😛

I have so much randomness going through my head. Especially since stupid Valentines Day is fast approaching. It’s stupid, because I’m single. Not that I am really in a place in my life to start a relationship, but the thought is always nice. Can’t really bust out with a, “Hey baby. Why don’t you come back to my place?” Hahaha!!! Yeah! Like guys living with their parents aren’t a turn off!!! But you know, just because I’m not relationship worthy at the moment doesn’t mean that I don’t like to be hit on. I mean, really? And I’m sorry, but creepy, stalker guys that live in windowless vans don’t count! Oh sure we could share car living tips, but I will not be seeing what that shag carpet looks like in the inside. Nope! I will not get in your van thinking I’m helping you as you load a couch into it and push me to the back. I refuse to be a dress!!!!!!

Seriously though. This is where my self confidence thinks, wtf? I don’t need anyone else’s approval, but then again I do. It’s flattering when people are nice and hold open a door or they smile or say or start s conversation. But it’s so rare for me anymore. Am I ugly? I don’t think I am. I mean, I’m very far from Miss Texas pretty, but I don’t look like that chick from A League Of Their Own either. You know the one!!! Am I intimidating? I don’t really see it. I’m always smiling and trying to keep my body language open, but obviously I am doing it all wrong. Maybe I come off as a but stand-offish? Maybe guys don’t like women who can take care of themselves? Maybe I’m too tall? Maybe I’m too fat? Maybe maybe maybe!!!!!!! It’s enough to drive somebody insane!!! Hit on me dammit!!!!! Say hi! Use a GD pick up line you got off a gum wrapper! Anything!!!!

I need sleep. I’ll just be dreaming of an adventure I’ll most likely go on alone…

-B

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What Happened???

I sit here at Hooters after having some much needed wings and a large, dark beer, and I decided to pull up my blog stats. Albeit there are still roughly six hours left in the day, but no one has read my blog. This saddens me in a most pathetic way. It’s ok. I don’t need the weird ego boost I get from finding out how many people have checked out my randomness, but it is nice. And yeah. I realize I have gone overboard on my calorie intake, but I still plan on going to the gym even after going for a run today. So 😛

Have a good evening! I know I am!!!

-B

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