Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Apr 22

I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part 2

by oceangrrrl

Hmmmmmmm.  So I received some very good comments from friends about Part 1.  You guys truly make me think about things a bit more, and I LOVE getting feedback and/or encouragement!  It motivates me to write more often.  Whether or not you want to read this shit more often, well, I’m not holding a gun to your head. 

Anyway, so I need to stop trying to find this ideal I have in my head.  It does get a bit discouraging when hope begins to wane more and more each day, but it’ll happen. Right? Maybe?  One of these years?  So back to the title!

I tried to think about the times where I messed up in past relationships, and I figured out it was when I stopped being me.  I mean, some relationships ended due to the idiot I was with at the time, and I was a fool for even being with that person in the first place!  I have got to learn my lesson there and stop lowering my standards to the point of being blindly stupid!  Ugh!  So yeah.  I have a quick temper at times, but it dissipates just as quickly.  Sometimes the blood boils before the brain gets a proper second to actually think about what’s going on or being said.  I really do try to be open.  The biggest issue I have is saying what I feel.  This is hard.  I am much better at writing!  It gives me a chance to think before I spew out craziness!  But when you’re with someone who puts you down for saying how you feel, it just builds up more resistance about sharing those things.  So now I have a more difficult challenge for the future!  Oh joy!

Being a good wife to some people means taking care of your man.  Oh the feminists just got a bit warm with that one!  And it makes sense.  To a point!  There are limits.  Women are no longer stupid and popping out babies at home (ok, not ALL of them).  This has brought in a rather new side to the whole marriage thing.  I don’t expect a husband to take complete care of me.  I think it should be pretty split.  If I lose a job and need the support, there ya go!  And vice versa!  I feel that I should want to do those extra things wives should do.  It’s about respect and sharing and being grateful and not taking eachother for granted.  That’s hard.  It’s easy to get used to the other half doing things for you and not giving those actions a second thought.  I like feedback.  I like to hear and say thank you.  Not half-assed but genuine.  Why does this fade so easily?  Better yet, why do we let it fade in the first place?  

Ever since my little adventure begin last November, I have let go of a lot of the things in my life, such as stuff!  At times I feel like I should just sell everything in my storage unit. Other times I think of how much it would cost to replace all that crap!  Ugh!  I just don’t know.  So I guess any man in my future would have to be lower on the materialism scale.  I mean, I like nice things, don’t get me wrong, but it is all just stuff in the end.  Stuff!  Crap!  Randomness no one else will enjoy much of when I die!  It’s just the way it is.  

So where could this guy be?  I keep trying to define him a bit more each time, but he is really super awesome at playing hide and seek!  Seriously though. I’m cool with blind dates!  I’m down for a group, blind date!  Bring it!!!  I need to get out more anyway!!!  Hiking anyone?  Maybe some indoor rock climbing?  Rangers game?  Lez go!!!!  🙂

Hopefully this guy won’t mind when I blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m cleaning!  Hopefully he won’t mind too much when I drive fast.  The reason I don’t own anything sporty!  There is a frickin fly somewhere in this room that keeps buzzing me from time to time. It’s dark, and I can’t see it!  Stupid bug!!!!  Anyway, hopefully this guy would take the initiative and kill this bug for me!!!!!  Hopefully this guy thinks it’s cute when I walk through the flower section at the grocery store to smell everything.  Yes.  I do this!  Even when I am alone.  It makes me smile.  🙂

Perhaps I turn out to be an ok wife in the future.  I’ll always try to make him happy.  I will play Call of Duty of the XBox, just not ALL the time.  Sometimes I want to play Tomb Raider or Skyrim!  Yep!  My geek points went up for admitting that!  Yay!  I’ll cook if you wash the dishes, because that is my least favorite part about cooking.  I will not get upset if the food I cook is not very good, but he’d have to be honest about it.  There is nothing worse than someone lying to not hurt feelings all the while knowing they are setting up their doom down the line.  That crappy dish would be made again and again unless something is said about it.  I know I can be frustrating. I’m a girl. Alright, woman.  But that doesn’t mean hormones don’t take over from time to time, and I can cry when a sad commercial comes on or be easily aggravated for no reason. It happens.  Sometimes it can’t be helped, but I will always apologize when I know I’m in the wrong.  Guy has to love cats and dogs and horses and animals in general.  The kindness he shows to animals (and his mom and my daughter) says a lot more about character than most people realize.  The way he treats strangers is also a big character giveaway.  

I think I am putting too much thought into this dream guy, but I know the right one is out there.  Somewhere.  I will find this particular piece of cheese somewhere in this maze!  Maybe he’s a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack?  I can only hope!  So my conclusion from all this is that no, I won’t be a good wife.  I’ll be fucking awesome!  As awesome as possible. Damn bug again!!!!  Argh!!!!  I will be far from perfect, and I will always have emotional baggage, but I will try to dump as much of that crap as possible before meeting him.  As I’ve said before, I’m still working on me, but it can’t hurt to start looking now, right?  Well, I’m doing A LOT of looking. I can look dammit!!!  Doesn’t mean I’m making any moves.  Or eye contact.  :-/

So with that I am going to sleep.  It has been a busy week, and I am tired.  By the way, I got my new skates in today!!!!!  Gave them a 14 mile test skate, and I am absolutely in love with them!!!  😀 

Good night and happy dreams!!!!

-Bonnie

   

         

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Apr 21

I Will Never Be A Good Wife – Part One

by oceangrrrl

I was thinking. Yeah I know.  Not much good comes from doing such things, but alas!  I was thinking!  Yes!  It happens from time to time!  Stop being a smartass!!!!  I dye my hair blond so people expect less of me. It’s not working though…

Anyway, I was thinking about the past, present and future.  It’s clear to me that I will never be a “good” wife.   It sounds a bit strange, but it makes perfect sense in my head.  The more I think about it the more I believe that I probably won’t ever get married again. I’m not saying I will never get married again, but it would take one hell of man to get me to voluntarily and happily walk down any sort of aisle ever again.  Like I said though, never said never.  😉

The more I think about it though, the more I realize that I need to find a best friend.  You know, someone who likes to play sports, go hiking, wants to travel, is open minded and accepting of others, likes to go to sporting events, drink beer, learn new things, try new foods, is kind to others, enjoys watching movies on the couch, loves going to beaches, willing to be an adult when necessary, will stand up for me if someone puts me down, will show that he loves me with small gestures, will hold my hand in public, will kiss my neck at random times, will be able to tell me he loves me with just a look, knows what it takes to be a man, won’t put me down, will listen to rather than attempt to solve my problems.  You know.   It’s pretty standard.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.  It seems to  be pretty “typical guy-ish” to me.  But where the hell is this guy?!  Ugh!  

So, back to why I won’t be a good wife.  I will be more of a best friend than a wife.  I will be the one who wants to hang with the guys.  I will expect to do all the things I enjoy now without having permission.   I will not be inconsiderate of his feelings, but I will expect the same courtesies that I also bestow.  Chick friends?  No worries!  My guy friends?  I will still hang out with them!  He can join me!  That’s fine!  But I will not give up my friends to please his ego.  I will not cook dinner every night.  I will not clean up after you.  I will not be the only one doing housework.  I will help with fixing things around the house.  I have my own toolbox.  I don’t need no man, unless there are wasps around.  No smoking.  No dip.  Yes drinking.  Yes playing!  Let’s go play catch!  Let’s run an o stacke race together!  

WHERE THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!

I see joy and happiness and laughter in my future, but I don’t know when!  Will I still be able to do all these things by the time this guy comes around?  Should I just be making friends and not worry about it being anything more?  I don’t want to end up being alone, but geez!  Alright life, I get it!  My “need” to be with someone else is more of a want at the moment.  Yes!  I realize I am stil working on myself!  Yes!  I know I need to work on my balance!   Yes, I knots not that terrible being alone.  I know I know.  

So that’s part one.  I plan on adding more tomorrow.  Anyone know anyone to hook me up with for a blind date?  I’ll rob a cradle.  😉   Does not have to be my age (34).  Make it less than 50 though.  Just saying.  Remember that I mentioned a lot of action oriented activities above.  Good night and sweet dreams!  

-Bonnie 

         

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Apr 19

Uninspired

by oceangrrrl

i feel the urge to write, but at the moment I am completely uninspired as to what to write about.  Yes.  I do know I started this whole thing as a way to keep family and friends in the know about my whole car living situation. But this blog has turned into something more.  It has become a way for me to vent and humor and find myself and share my random experiences with others.  Whether my blog is popular or not, I understand not every post of mine will be enjoyed by the masses.  I have my mental breakdowns from time to time.  Trees can only bend so far sometimes before they crack and lose a branch.  But life goes on, and I can either grow new branches and learn from the experience(s), or I can wallow in sadness at the loss of one branch all the while blinded and not noticing the new growth around it.  

Life is a fragile thing.  So many highs and lows.  We all go through them. Some of us have lost or gained more than others.  I share a lot about balance and what my thoughts are.  I struggle to find my own balance while fighting gravitational pulls all around me.  It is a constant battle.  My theory is that the world is balanced whether we see it that way or not.  For every good deed there is a bad one.  For the light, there is the dark.  For the cold, the warmth and so on. Now, things may not be in perfect numerical balance, such as in the number of deaths and births, acts of love and hate, but it’s still a balance all the same.  We at times may teeter to one side or another, not realizing there are more than just two sides to everything.  There are gray areas that affect our balance continuously from little things we do everyday to the big things that come along once or twice in our lifetimes.  Balance is about choice, and the choice is ours, and of course, we are solely responsible for the choices we make. It’s hard.  Life is a big, fucking test.  

So the choice I am making about this post is a general one.  Perhaps a nonsensical sort of post that can be applied however you want. You may choose to no longer read it, and that is perfectly fine with me.  You may choose to read and dwell on it a bit and apply it to your current circumstances.  All I hope is that whatever I decide to write about today brings you some sort of joy.  Some joy in knowing that there is light somewhere.  Maybe it’s at the end of a tunnel?  Maybe you just need to flip on the switch?  Maybe you prefer the darkness for now, I hope not, but it’s your life.  I have no right to judge you as you have no right to judge me.  You may put me down to others or talk about my craziness as if you have done no wrong, and that’s fine.  I’m definitely not innocent of doing that.  I know I vent about others sometimes, and people piss me off from time to time, and I can say whatever I want to.  Most of the things I talk about are perceptions, and that does not make them truth.  It makes them catty.  I shouldn’t care what others think about me.  I should be a good enough human being as to where others wouldn’t think bad things about me, but even the best people have their haters.  Haters gonna hate.   😉

So now my post has just turned into a rambling mess of jumbled thoughts.  I am hoping there is a point to all of this, but it’s too early to guarantee it.  I’m still just typing away on my phone, in the bed of my mom’s truck, while laying out and soaking up some golden rays.  It’s nice.  There’s a cool wind blowing, and there are no clouds in sight.  Never mind. I see one cottonball in the sky.  :-/

Last night, a friend and I were texting back and forth.  She is stressing about losing a friendship, one that I feel was a bit toxic for her. She’s one of the sweetest people I know, and it bothers me knowing that I was probably the one who ruined it in a way.  Here is where life choices come into play.  Do you rekindle the friendship, knowing that it is going to cause you stress and unhappiness at times, or do you leave it as it is?  She has a huge heart, and I know it bothers her knowing someone doesn’t think it’s worth the time to be a true friend to her.  It’s tough.  I told her my thoughts on the matter.  I would allow it to remain over.  Trust me.  I have struggled with this same issue, and it wasn’t that long ago. I lost one of my best friends of 15 years.  Although our falling out was much more advanced in nature, I had to make the decision to be ok with dealing with an end to a friendship that ended up making me feel horrible about myself. It was the most toxic friendship ever.  It was friendship that lost the battle to his bruised ego and stubborn nature.  It hurt that someone I had spent so much of my life with didn’t feel the need to see past the hurts we had caused each other to maintain a friendship.  It wouldn’t have been the same, but we would have remained friends.  I miss him everyday.  I toss around the thought of contacting him at least once or twice a week.  It’s tough.  I try not to dwell on it, because all it does is bring sadness.  Anyway, enough about that.  It’s a tad depressing.  

Happy thoughts are what I would like to end this post on, but I don’t know where to go next.  Well, we did make it through some scary storms last night.  We survived the tornados!!!!    Woohoo!!!!  Alright.  I think my brain is done writing for the day.  I’m going to go enjoy a beer.  Ciao for now!!!  🙂

-Bonnie 

         

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Apr 14

Of Mice And Men And The Universe?

by oceangrrrl

So this should be a quick post tonight.  I was messaging with a coworker today when an ex boyfriend of mine logged onto the Skype world.  He and I have always kept in touch, and I couldn’t be happier for him as he just recently remarried. He and his new wife just got back from an amazing vacation.  I mean, it looked pretty damn amazing from all the Facebook posts!  So of course I send him a hello and how are you.  I find out he just recently bought a lake house that he is fixing up and yadda yadda yadda.  Ok. I’m fucking thrilled for you dude!  Now this is where my mind started wandering…

So the wheels are turning.  You’ll get that in a second.  And I am totally going to copy and paste it here, because I’m lazy like that!  😛

why do I continue to be with losers when I have dated nice guys in the past?

[10:18:27 AM] Bonnie Campbell: like, seriously

[10:18:34 AM] Bonnie Campbell: what the F is wrong with me?

[10:18:48 AM] Bonnie Campbell: so then ugly girls get the geeky guys and they buy a lake house and go on vacations

[10:18:52 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and here I am homeless

[10:18:59 AM] Bonnie Campbell:  and yet somehow people envy my lifestyle

[10:19:06 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I don’f effing get it sometimes

[10:19:31 AM] Bonnie Campbell: this world makes absolutely no sense

[10:19:54 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I just don’t understand

[10:20:08 AM] José E: well see now you know you are not ugly

[10:20:19 AM] Bonnie Campbell: ok

[10:20:21 AM] Bonnie Campbell: so I am not ugly

[10:20:28 AM] Bonnie Campbell: doesn’t necessarily mean I think I am pretty

[10:20:36 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I am ok

[10:20:42 AM] José E: who knows, i don’t worry anymore

[10:20:44 AM] Bonnie Campbell: kind of

[10:20:53 AM] Bonnie Campbell: well, I don’t worry about it

[10:20:59 AM] Bonnie Campbell: but it’s still just like, WTF?

[10:21:12 AM] José E: i know

[10:21:13 AM] Bonnie Campbell: baffling

[10:21:43 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I know things happen for a reason, I mean, we somehow find a way to apply some meaning as to why something happened to make us feel better about it, but still

[10:22:03 AM] Bonnie Campbell: the universe is like a big experiment

[10:22:22 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and we are all just individual mice in a maze trying to find cheese

[10:22:30 AM] José E: we are the experiment not the universe

[10:22:40 AM] José E: yes

[10:22:57 AM] Bonnie Campbell: and some of us can smell it, but we can’t seem to locate it because our brains are wired differently and we just get confused and then we’re lost and running in circles because that’s at least something we can do

[10:23:18 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I think I just figured out the universe

[10:23:26 AM] Bonnie Campbell: using mice and cheese analogies

[10:23:31 AM] Bonnie Campbell: I should blog about this


So there you have it!!!!  Life is just one big experiment!!!  We all go searching for our cheese, no matter what that cheese symbolizes, and we are always searching.  Always!  We never seem to be satisfied, and I think that is just the hardest part of it all.  Being happy with who we are and what we have.  


I watched a movie a couple weeks ago, and a couple things really stuck with me. First off it was “Into The Wild.”  An amazing and depressing movie.  The main character reminded me of myself a bit, although I am not nearly as selfish as he was.  But when he finally gets to end of his journey he writes something down that continues to haunt me.  “Happines is only real when shared.”  I am at the point in my adventure where I am enjoying being alone, because it lets me discover myself more. This is also a bit frightening, because I don’t want to be alone forever.  I enjoy spending time with people.  I mean, people who are genuine and don’t drive me nuts, but you get what I’m saying.  So now I need to be concerned about too much alone time.  Damn this balance thing sometimes!!!!  It’s ok.  I’ll handle it.  I will continue to find my balance until I can find someone who’s worth being unbalanced for.  For now, it’s my time to find me and be a better person for my daughter and family and friends.  Oh to be a mouse!


Good night dear reader.  Sweet dreams and love and harmony and cheese.   🙂


-Bonnie

   

       

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Mar 24

Sunshine and Selfishness

by oceangrrrl

Well, it’s finally Spring in Texas!!!!  Warmer weather has arrived!!!  It’s so nice being able to enjoy being outside and feeling the sun on my skin. I have missed it more than you could know, as I am a true sun worshipper and love soaking it up.  I’ll probably die from skin cancer or something, but you know what?  I couldn’t care less.  Oh I say that now!  I know you are all thinking, “Just wait until that actually happens and see if you retract that statement!”  And of course I wouldn’t!!!  If you know me at all, you know I am a sucker for some serious vitamin D production.  I will sweat profusely while reading a good book on a blanket at the park!  Yes!  I will!!!   Speaking of reading on blankets at the park in the sun, I really need to do that soon!!!  🙂

The warmer days are also a reminder that I will have to ditch my car living for a while until it cools back down in the Fall.  My plan was to rent a room during that time to keep expenses to a minimum, and I am not a fan of accepting assistance in the form of a free room offered by family.  The thought is very tempting due to my having my mini me over the Summer here and there, and I plan on accepting the offers given to me with humble and gracious thanks.  I will not take these offers lightly and plan on earning my keep during my free stays.  So with that being said, thank you mom and Mindy.  I will be bouncing between you both until cooler weather arrives.  Just let me know what you need done around the home fronts.  🙂  I love you both!

A strange thing happened last night.  I arrived at my “home spot” to find that my dad was at the office. I don’t think he left until 10 pm or so.  Texting with my dad is really not his forté. He is one who would rather talk on the phone.  Personally I hate talking on the phone.  Being the introvert that I am, I prefer writing.  It’s the easiest way for me to get my thoughts clearly out there in the world.  When I talk, I go full tard, and you’re never supposed to go full tard.  Ever!  Yes!  I am in the phone quite a bit at work.  It’s required to do what I do. Do I like it?  That’s a big nope!  But it has to be done, dammit!!!  Anyway, way off course there. So my dad drives by me.  At this point I had already closed up shop for the night.  There’s no way you would even know I was in my car.  You could walk up to my windows, shine a light wherever possible, and you still wouldn’t be able to see me.  So I texted him asking if he could see me.  No response.  Then I explained that I knew he didn’t like my staying in my car, but it was actually fun, and I enjoyed it. No response.  Hmmm.  No response later.  Nothing today either.  So of course this gets my wheels turning.  And when the wheels are turning there are a lot of negatives running through the gears.  So I came to the mental conclusion that I embarrass the shit out of my dad, and he probably feels I am being selfish by doing this to him and making him look bad by not just staying at his house this whole time.  It was offered when I started this whole thing, and it was declined multiple times.  Actually a strange thing for my dad to offer, since he normally makes you go to him if you need something.  His offering of help is so rare that I didn’t know it existed until recently!  Min gets it!  Min (me awesome stepmom for those not in the know) will talk to me about it.  She reads my blog.  We can sit around and talk about my new, comfy mattress topper.  We can joke about my currently horrible position for the dating world.  We can get a good laugh in about it!  She knows I will do my best to remain safe.  My mom worries about all the same things, but we can talk about car living seriously and jokingly, and it’s understood.  I don’t think my dad truly understands.  He doesn’t know me that well, so maybe it’s really understandable, but it’s not like we don’t get along or anything.  My dad has an image to maintain, and what does it say to others when they know his daughter lives in her car?  This is where the whole selfish thing comes into play. 

So upon giving it all even more thought, this is my conclusion: I am selfish.  It is what has kept me alive.  It is what has kept my spirit going, always trudging forward.  My selfishness has kept my soul from sliding into dark places.  It has allowed me to become me.  Discovering who you are as a person is hard to do when surrounded by people and things and illusions of happiness.  I had given so much of myself in the past to those I thought would always be there for me, that I lost myself and became someone no one would want to be around.   It’s pretty pathetic when you think about it.  It’s taken me this long to figure this all out?  Ugh!  

Being able to do this for myself, living in my car and giving up all the vanities that were at my disposal, has helped me realize just how much is out there in the world.  There’s just so much to see and do!  It has also helped me realize that it is ok to do these things alone.  Of course I hope to not do everything alone!  When I’m ready there will be someone to share these experiences with, but for now it’s just me.  Sometimes it’s hard making myself try new things, because my mind begins to think about others’ opinions and what they think of me.  Yeah.  Sadly it happens.  Then I realize I don’t care what other people think of me.  I am a nice person.  I will go out of my way to help you if you ask.  I will offer to help when I can.  I am funny.  I can be overly goofy at times.  I’m sure I can be annoying.  Ok.  I know I can be annoying.  Sometimes I say things without thinking and sound like an idiot.  It happens occasionally.  Shush peanut gallery!!!  I think I am pretty.  That’s a hard one!  I’m working on it!  So anyway, it’s possible to be selfish and selfless at the same time.  You have to find your balance!  Everyone has a different balance, but it’s possible to achieve.  Work/life balances.  Love/work balances.   Family/work balances.  Everyone has their desired level of each that they feel balances them out.  Looks like I think about work too much.  :-/

As I sit here in my car writing this, I believe I have found a good, temporary balance.  It won’t last forever.  A wrench will get tossed into the system at some point.  It’s life!  It’s fleeting and delicate, and it can be a sadistic teacher at times.  For now I will focus on the little things.  The small bits of joy that can be shared with others.  I will continue working on bettering me as a whole so that maybe I can better others.  If I can make you smile or laugh then I feel it has been a good day!  So now I will end this with some pics that make me feel good, and maybe I’ll throw in a couple good laughs as well.  I need to close up for the night and get some sleep.  I wish you pleasant dreams and beautiful thoughts.  🙂

-Bonnie





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