Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Nine Lives…

Part II

There she was near the window
Stupid slut at the bar
That dress couldn’t be any tighter
Go on get that dick
Twisted and sick
He waited for her by her car
But she never came out
As he figured out
She went home with a one night stand loser
He would teach them a lesson
One special session
You don’t fuck with a man on a mission
He had laid out a plan
It was almost too easy
A child could get away with such murder
There’d be pain and stifled screaming
It’s hard to speak when you’re not breathing
As he’d tighten the rope around her neck
But that wasn’t cruel enough
Scratch that plan ‘cause it sucked
Back to the drawing board away he went
Those days turned to weeks
The details all tweaked
She’ll soon know she should be with a real man
Now it’s time to go find her
And find her he will
This was exciting
An adventure
A thrill
The rush of the hunt
Now where was that cunt
Ah yes
She’s back at the same bar
So simple
So streamlined
Forever she’ll be mine
He thought about saving her head in his freezer
To gaze every day
Upon her lovely face
Santoku paring or cleaver
The tools he already had
Rope was new thanks dad
Plastic sheeting improvised with contractor bags
Making cleanup a breeze
Mother would be oh so pleased
And out with the garbage she’d go
Picked up the next morning
Compacted and dumped in a hole
Her body wouldn’t be missed
Tainted with semen and piss
Because that’s what those whores liked to do
Opening their mouths wide
Letting those pigs cum inside
Granting them a ten second moment of bliss
Stupid sluts should know better
Always being discarded
It’s their own fault every day
Waking up broken hearted

-Bonnie

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Nine Lives…

Part I

I’m going to tell you a story
A man lost
He was down he was lonely
No matter how hard he tried
And he tried every Friday night
It seemed love would always evade him
One night he was down
With no friends to be found
He decided to venture out on his own
That night he saw her
Couldn’t keep his eyes off her
And convinced her to follow him home
For years he kept trying
But she’d always end up crying
He tried over and over again
To bring back her smile
It had been gone quite a while
He was hoping this wasn’t the end
But she always seemed sad
And he always seemed mad
They were like oil and water
The flames would rise higher
Burning raging fires
Until one night he raised his hand
But he didn’t do it
Too late (and he knew it)
The damage had already been done
And that sadness inside her
Rose up through that fire
It took aim and swung
It was a shock they’d admit
How could either do this
Escalating anger ever higher
She was no longer the woman
He had so long adored
She was an animal
The likes he’d never seen before
He took a step back
Ego attacked
It was karma he thought for sure
The sting on his face
As she departed his place
He knew she’d come back to no more
Once a place full of laughter
That long ago happily ever after
Was now a nightmare behind a closed door
The hours turned to days
He was lost in a haze
How could everything go so wrong
It was just he and himself
He didn’t crave anyone else
His sanity fell away to the floor
How could love do this
He wasn’t abusive
That woman was stupid as fuck
He was a prize
God’s greatest gift
Only one woman could have such luck
To be with a man
Of such class and fine taste
She had been spoiled he thought for sure
But if she wouldn’t be with him
No one else would either
He grabbed his jacket to hunt down that whore

-Bonnie

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Irritants…

I’m not even sure what to write about tonight. Pretty much anything I do just irritates people. I feel like I fuck up more often than not. Even on the things I know how to do, I feel stupid.

My past post seemed to give a couple people a guilty conscious to where they are now avoiding me like the plague. breaking the silence with a meme does not constitute communicating. but whatever. What do I expect when I have no friends to spend time with or the rare ones I do have are busy with their own lives and priorities.

I’m tired and sad and lonely. All I want to do is sleep but instead I am awake and writing out some randomness.

Oh well. Guess I’ll get some sleep. At least I can catch some zzzzzzz with a clear mind. It is what it is.

Goodnight.

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Let Me (Re)Introduce Myself…

Hi!

My name is Bonnie. I am a lover of the ocean, the mountains, the desserts, the forests, the grasslands, you name it! I am a bit of a sun whore who will probably end up dying from it (I know, terrible). I love food! I love cooking food! I love eating food! I love reading and writing and painting and speed skating and stand up paddling and climbing and hiking and drinking and challenges and cryptograms and making people smile and my daughter and my mom and family and friends who are family and friends who are friends. I realized this list could go on for far too long, so I’ll just stop there. But I’m pretty sure you get the idea. I do and love and enjoy a lot of things in life!

I am a believer in balance. I don’t necessarily follow any religions, but I do have my beliefs. I was raised Christian, and grew up going to small (like seriously teeny tiny) Christian schools until high school. Lemme tell ya! That was a shock to the system! I had never seen a locker before! No joke! My classes had maybe up to 21 people in them. Then I go to a school where I have to change rooms, and there are 300+ fellow classmates. It was strange not knowing everyone in my class or classes or anything. This was the end of my innocence for sure!!!

So, graduated high school with honors. Failed at my first attempt at college. Joined the Army. Got out of that early (story for another time). Married. Child. Divorced. Single mom. School from time to time. Married. Moved to Hawaii. Moved back to Texas. Divorced. Single mom. Child moved in with her dad. Alone. Stupid boyfriends. Lived in car. Lost friends. Moved into apartment. Really stupid boyfriend. Child moves back in. No more stupid boyfriend. Finally earned my AAS degree! Moved with child. Single mom again. Awesome boyfriend who was my first love from high school!!! Not joking!!! Thought he was dead honestly. 20 year HS reunion had me Google his name. There he was. Messaged him on FB. He messaged back. C’est la vie! Due to his request for privacy, I won’t be writing much directly about him. That’s about all you’re getting for now. 😉

Life is crazy for sure!!!!!

So, hi everyone! Even people who know me probably don’t know all of that, and it’s fun to share my randomness. I think that’s part of being human, passing down stories in general. Not that knowing more about me will do your life really any good, but it’ll help give you a base for any of my future posts. I had mentioned I believe in balance. That is a very huge part of who I am. Future posts will probably involve the misadventures of me trying to find my balance. I will do my best not to bore you, and fair warning: I have a crude sense of humor, and I swear a lot at times (especially if I’ve had a couple of adult beverages before I decide to write, or during, whatever), and I just want to make sure you know that before you get sucked in.

With that, I will try to get on here and write more often. This will be a sort of therapy for me like journaling. I may be brutally honest in some posts. Others might be pretty meh. The future holds so much adventure that I can’t wait to share with you!!!! Let’s see where we go!

-Bonnie 💙

That is my mini me. Life would be boring without her!!!! Love my amazing Angel Pie!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Yes. I do realize that is missing an “a”.

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Moving Day!!!!!!!

Hi!!!!  I know!  It’s been forever!  I know you missed my random updates.  😉

I have a lot of news to share with you!  Today is moving day!!!  I found an apartment about three weeks ago right before I left for a week long trip to Denver for work and play.  On top of that I had decided to play my hand at dating again.  It has been a bit insane for me lately to say the least!  Guess I should start somewhere near the beginning.  

You already know I was searching for an apartment, and it was stressful as all hell.  So I gave it another quick shot on a Saturday afternoon.  Checked out one.  Way too much for the piece of shit it was. So nope on that one!  Checked out another.  Nope!   Checked out another.  Hmmmmm.  Liked that one. Went to a place I had already been to to compare, but the closest move in date wasn’t until October, sooooooooo. Went back to the one I liked and snatched it up!  More than I wanted to pay, but it will be my space again. I have missed having a place to call my own. I can’t wait!!!!  Although I am moving this weekend in 103+ degrees.  I hired movers, because I don’t want to be the cause of death for people I care about.  Did I mention this thing is on the third floor?  Yep!  Movers!

So dating had been interesting. Lots of one nighters.  Not what you think!  Dinner/drink dates.  Good grief!  Even thought I had a potential second dater until he gave me some family bs story and cancelled on me.  So, I was all set to go to an event by myself last night and found a last second date to join me.  I mean, why the fuck not?  Ticket would have been wasted otherwise.  So yeah.  I should have just gone alone.  It would have been more fun!  Oh well.  Finally got to meet my coworker’s fiancé though, and she was awesome!!!!!  Total sweetheart!  They make a super cute couple!!!!  My hope is renewed!  

Work has been going well. We have a huge project that we’ve been working on in Denver. So I got to drag out intern to Denver to do some wiring and testing.  It was great!  Of course, I am used to traveling alone, so I was super stoked after I dropped him of at the airport and then I was free to enjoy CO through the weekend.  Woohoo!!!!  Hit up five microbreweries and did some hiking and some exploring.  I had so much fun!!!!!!  I will turn every business trip into a mini vacation when possible. I love to travel and don’t get to do it much on my own.  Hey!  Plane ticket is paid for already.  All I have to do is cover hotel and car and food for the extra days.  Can’t beat that deal!!!!

The mini me starts high school soon!  So insane!!!!  This past week was her first venture into summertime band practice. She is super excited about their halftime theme, and I can’t wait to see it!!!!!  So proud of my munchkin!  Although she’s going through a height challenge at the moment.  She keeps wishing she was taller.  I told her it’s better to stay where she’s at, because she’ll never find a guy to date who’s taller than her when she’s in heels.  The struggle is real people!!!!!  All of my current matches are 5’8″.  Seriously.  Wtf?!

Anyway, I am off to train this morning.  Then I pick up my beautiful angel, and we are going to get my keys to my place, and then we are going to start moving some stuff!  Yay!!!!!  I promise I won’t wait so long between updates again.  Sorry.  It has been busy busy busy. 

Love you!  Ciao for now!
Got an office again!!!!

  
Hiking Garden of the Gods!!!

   
    
 
Just for fun!!!!

   
    
 

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Oh No! I’m Thinking Again…

And you, my dear reader, are in for a deeper look inside my brain. Not that that’s entirely a bad thing! I promise! But! If you don’t feel like reading my complete, utter randomness, please feel free to pass right on over this one. No judgment whatsoever. Of course now I have you hooked so you won’t be able to skip over this entry. Tee hee hee!!!!

So, car living and house sitting start making you think about your life a bit differently. At least for me anyway. I have started to see just how much junk there is in my life. How much junk there is around me. How much junk I just want when I know I don’t need it. It’s amazing to me how having this stuff seems to make life better when it really doesn’t. Lemme splain. Currently I am looking ahead to the next couple months when I plan to live under a roof again. I was thinking about getting an apartment, but geez. The thought of rent and bills and loud neighbors is such a turn off. Plus I don’t feel like moving furniture out of storage and all that crap. I just dread the whole moving thing again. The reason why I dread moving is due to the fact that I am probably just going to hop right back into my car again once it cools down. Seriously, the thought of how much I can save is like an addiction now. It’s just so awesome being able to save for a future rather than spend it on things like electricity. Yeah. I totally went there. For now I am looking to rent a room. If I could survive a Texas summer in my car I would do it, but I dig air conditioning. It’s pretty cool! Aaaaaaah!!!! See what I did there? Mmhmm. I went there too! 😛

That was my first set of thoughts. Now onto my second set. I started thinking about marriage. Yes. I know. I seem to be good at failing this. I see these couples who have been together their whole lives, and I just wish I knew how they found each other. Take me for instance. My first marriage was due to stupidity. There are plenty of details of why we were not meant to be, but those are between him and me. We get along great now, but it was a different story for a long time. We were very young and very stupid, and it just didn’t work. I believe our lives are better because of this. Not that it wasn’t difficult for us both, but with how things have turned out, I believe we are both much happier about our outcomes. Then there’s marriage number two. Before I go into this one, believe me when I say that marriage and divorce is not something I take lightly. Never did I ever think that either one would end. For me, the thought of being married was supposed to be an until death do us part bond for eternity. Obviously not. :-/ The second one, well, that was a love at first sight situation. No one knew what I saw in this guy. Hell! I don’t know what I saw in this guy! But I gave him all of me. My heart, my soul, everything. We fought before we were married too. Wow did we fight! He pushed me once. I went flying back thankfully landing on the bed. Those who know me also know that I am not some teeny tiny little twig of a woman. That should have been my biggest red flag right there. Did I pay attention to it? Of course not! But I did tell him if he ever did it again I would kill him. Obviously he never did it again. He had realized he almost lost me after that fight, and we kept going. We got married. We were happy. And we would still fight. So many red flags. So many mind fucks from this guy that I began losing myself.

We ended up moving to Kauai, because that is where we got married, and we decided to just do it. If we didn’t move then, we would never do it. We would have fallen victim to comfort and habit and age. So we took the leap. Within three months he mentioned divorce to me, because I wasn’t as happy as he wanted me to be. Yeah. I know. So of course I promised to be happier. He was just ready to leave me and my daughter there. He had already planned it all out. Needless to say I walked on eggshells the rest of our marriage. Mentally everything was my fault. Our passion went down the drain, because I couldn’t let him see that I wasn’t always ecstatic around him. If I ever cried because we fought, he would tell me I was guilt tripping him. Always guilt tripping. I allowed this man to wash away who I truly was. I had to hide my soul from this man. When I went through my cancer scare (yeah, most of you don’t know about that, I carried that burden mostly alone) he allowed me to deal with it in my own. He never supported me. He never tried to help me by making me feel better or telling me everything would be ok. If I let it get to me and I cried? Guess what I was doing. If you guessed guilt tripping you get a gold star!!!

He got into an accident on Kauai one night. He was hit by a car which basically shatter his hip. The ball joint was just fucked. He almost divorced me again, because of the way I acted at the hospital. I wasn’t dramatic enough. Seriously! I had to talk to the police officer who had been on the scene, as well as the doctors. Here’s the kicker. He said that if his mother were there, she would be frantic and crying and yelling, and obviously I didn’t care about him, because I wasn’t a complete emotional disaster. I am so not kidding! So that was divorce announcement number two. We ended up moving to Oahu for a year after that, because he wanted to be near a city. We hardly ever went to the city. He hardly ever went anywhere unless I could drag him out. I was always at the beach if I could be. I was hiking or hanging out on the north shore or snorkeling or doing something. I loved living in Hawaii. I felt at home there. So he wanted to move back to Texas. I could stay in Hawaii and we could get divorced (yep, number three), or we could move back together. I did what any good wife would do. I left paradise to move back to Texas with that asshole. Not that it was entirely terrible or anything! My family lives in Texas. I have friends in Texas. I spent half my life in Texas. So why the hell not, right?

Back in Texas. Life is not so great. Both of us going through our daily grinds. Neither of us putting in the effort anymore. Oh I would try! I would do these things I called love days. Basically, I would get him a card or sometimes I would get him something silly or something he wanted or cook a nice dinner. You know just a random day where I would try to be sweet. In the beginning he did them as well. He didn’t do them anymore. It was just me. We never fought anymore. I just took the blame for anything that went wrong to avoid any yelling. I started working. A lot. I put in so many hours that he began thinking I was cheating on him. And you know what. In a way it might have been. I dreaded being near him. I didn’t want to go home anymore. I started smoking again after having quit for years. I would get home and dinner was a couple beers. After checking my phone and reading through my emails with no evidence of any actual cheating going on, we fell apart even more. The fact that he even suspected me of doing anything was enough to break my heart and lose my trust in him. One day out on the lake with some friends, was out last “fun” day together. On the drive back home that night, he asked for a divorce for the fourth time. He had finally convinced me, and I agreed. The next morning he asked if we could go over who got to keep what. So, like robots, we split things up. It was settled. It was over. We weren’t happy anymore. I was an emotional disaster at this point. I had lost a ton of weight. I would break down and cry for just a quick thought of my ended marriage. It was so bad that the president of the company I worked for at the time talked to my boss about my stability at work. I took on extra duties to keep my mind occupied, but I was just a stressed out mess of a woman. It was supposed to be forever. He was supposed to love me as much as I loved him. He was supposed to be there for me during my dark times. Lord knows I was always there for his. Supporting him when he didn’t work. Helping him after his accident. Being there when he needed me. Why couldn’t I have gotten that in return? What was so wrong with me, that he had me believing I wasn’t worth that effort? What was the exact point he finally convinced me that everything was my fault and nothing I did would ever be right or good enough or perfect or what he really wanted? What was wrong with me? I allowed this man to get inside my head so much that I lost who I truly was.

This man, who I loved with all of my being, shattered my heart into a thousand pieces while twisting my mind into a pathetic excuse of one. It was so bad that I allowed myself to be in a rebound relationship that was even worse. I found the jealous guy. I was weak and insecure and stupid. I found the arrogant asshole this time around. I’m not even going to get into the details of that one. All I am going to say is that I began to wake up. I began to see things as they truly were, and I began to realize how much I missed me. Call it self awareness. I wanted to be me again, and I ended that one. All me. All on my terms. I began to build my strength only to find another loser after that. My most recent “boyfriend” who really wasn’t one. We never “did” anything either! Yeah. I know. TMI. That was pathetic. Then it became stressful. Putting pieces together I figured out the guy was a complete sociopath. It was amazing how he fit the definition perfectly, and when I ended it, he became angry. He claimed I publicly defamed him, and that he had proof. Nope. Never did that. Then he said he reported me to Facebook claiming I threatened him. Fucking serious? Never did that either. I was reported to the online FBI database for public defamation. Got to be shitting me! The best part? He claimed to have sent a letter to the Texas Supreme Court saying he had proof that I publicly defamed him and ruined his chances at future employment. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah! This time I found a new type of asshole! My sister had set me up with this guy!!! She and her husband had known him for over five years! She felt terrible!!! Needless to say she is no longer friends with him. Seriously though. What vibe am I putting out there for these losers??? What the F is wrong with me?!?? It seems I still have some soul searching to do.

What’s funny is that even after all of this crap, I just want to find someone to love and be loved in return. Why is that so much to ask? I am learning to love myself more and more each day, but I still feel the need to be with someone. You know, to share stupid things with and laugh about a movie we watched or cook dinner together or rub each other’s feet while watching some ridiculous show on tv or go hiking together or camping or traveling or hell, grocery shopping! What does it take to find this person?

I guess what I need to stop doing is thinking about all of this. I need to focus on being me. I need to live in the now. I need to enjoy life and fall in love with all its wonder and beauty. Maybe I just needed to write down the past and get it out of my system. Maybe sharing my experiences can help others. I know there are people who will read this and judge me or think they know me. Truth is we don’t know anything about anyone else. No matter what we will never truly understand what someone has been through or what they may be going through. What I have written this evening is only a snippet of my life. It is a quick glance at what has made me who I am today. I do not regret any of the things I have done. Two divorces? Yeah. That looks terrible. It is something others use to judge me, but that’s not all of who I am. I am loving and kind, and I love to make people laugh. I love to encourage others and make people feel good about themselves. I enjoy making others happy. I am considerate and respectful. I treat other people’s things as if they were my own. The few people in my circle know I will always be there for them any way I can. All they have to do is ask, and I will run to them. But I am not all love and bubbles and rainbows and glitter. I don’t like most people. I’m talking strangers. I don’t mind being in large crowds if I have a friend with me, but I am NOT going to a mall by myself. I have been to a concert by myself, and that was weird enough. I’ll eat alone at places, but that’s not too bad. I have yet to do the alone movie thing. Still have to do that one! I have done the alone traveling thing. That’s rough! Fun but rough! I have lived alone plenty. I have done enough on my own to know who I am. I’m sure there are more things I need to do sans company, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Life is so much better when it’s shared with others! So much more beautiful when shared with those you care about!

So there you have it. That is where my head has been tonight. A bit depressing and long and blah blah blah. If you made it this far then kudos to you! You brave soul who dared to venture into the unknown of my past. Things I have not shared with but maybe two people. All I know is that my heart is open. After all the pain and all the sorrow I still have hope. I will not allow myself to become so hardened that I refuse to allow myself to be happy. Life is far too short to hold myself back and keep my heart behind walls. I have hope. Lots and lots of hope. 🙂

Good night and sweet dreams. :*

-Bonnie

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