Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Sleep Study…

It happened again

The final straw

This time she would be laying down the law

For every night

After getting in bed

The sound like thunder would rumble in her head

She’d nudge him

She’d ask him

To move some different way

But no matter the position

The thunder wouldn’t go away

She’d pretend not to hear it

She’d read and play games

One pillow sometimes two

It was loud just the same

She only had three options

But they all came with a price

None of the outcomes would work out nice

She could lay there for hours

Until maybe it stopped

After taking more sleep meds

Finally knocked her out

She could grab up a pillow and blanket

And head to the couch

But she knew this was risky for her health

For if he woke up and noticed her gone

His anger would burst out like a wild hog

He’s call her stupid and a liar

But for what she didn’t know

He’d mumble slurs to himself back to bed

Solely seeing red

So she’d grab up her pillow and blanket

And head back to the room

So she’d lay back down beside him

What else could she do

But his anger would get worse

And he’d just get up and leave

Well now she’s done it

Bitch, why couldn’t you just sleep.

Now tomorrow is going to be another day filled with anger and wrath

All because he snores on his side, stomach, or back

He didn’t kiss her goodnight

Now there will be no kiss good morning

She’ll probably be shunned again

All because of his incessant snoring

She knew that idea was the worst one to choose

She should have just taken it

What’s a few hours of sleep to lose

She could have just kept her mouth shut

Like she did the day before

But tonight she was tired and couldn’t stand hearing it anymore

But there’s always option three

It lingers in her mind

But she could never ever go that route

Not yet not this time

But as the years grow longer

And the sleep becomes less and less

Option three will look better and better

She would be put to the test

What’s a friendly little pillow fight

Between resentful lovers

One pillow two hands

Option three for the smother

But it wouldn’t be easy

There’s be quite the struggle

This lying bitch would be on the floor

Choking in her own bloody puddle

So from now on she’ll just keep choosing

Good ole option one

Then she can continue being called

The grump morning one

At least now the bed is empty

Since he went to the couch instead

The room will be quiet

Now she can rest her little head

-Bonnie

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Lovely Rafters…

Part II

Now you may think that’s the end of this story
But honestly it wasn’t that gory
Figuratively her heart had stopped beating
It gave up though her mind kept on thinking
Of how many places
And how many faces
Were buried across this great land
Places to hide
No more being alive
Those cruel words buried deep in the sand
As time went on
Those thoughts became strong
What if and how and where
Could it be would it be
Is it even worth it
Ssh quiet here he comes
Stupid woman should run
Though this proved to be quite the struggle
If she ran she would lose
But what could she prove
As her mind full of thoughts started to bubble
No more sadness only red
Tears of heartbreak were dead
Replaced by anger and fury
A rage filled her body
But she still wouldn’t run
She was patient no need to hurry
He would bury himself
With no need for help
Could peace replace hate filled voices
So she smiled and laughed
Her heart free at last
Only he could be blamed for his choices…

-Bonnie

Part III…

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Irritants…

I’m not even sure what to write about tonight. Pretty much anything I do just irritates people. I feel like I fuck up more often than not. Even on the things I know how to do, I feel stupid.

My past post seemed to give a couple people a guilty conscious to where they are now avoiding me like the plague. breaking the silence with a meme does not constitute communicating. but whatever. What do I expect when I have no friends to spend time with or the rare ones I do have are busy with their own lives and priorities.

I’m tired and sad and lonely. All I want to do is sleep but instead I am awake and writing out some randomness.

Oh well. Guess I’ll get some sleep. At least I can catch some zzzzzzz with a clear mind. It is what it is.

Goodnight.

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Isn’t It Funny…

…where life takes you? It’s always a journey you never expected. You’re supposed to learn from your experiences and grow and become better, right? When sometimes it just becomes this overwhelming mass of crap that hits you all at once. Someone can ask just the right question, and it stays in the back of your mind to ponder a day later. Then that breeds more questions. Then you start thinking about why you did certain things. Then you wonder what you did with your life. Seriously! What the hell have I been doing with myself? Twenty years! It took me TWENTY YEARS to get a TWO YEAR degree!!! HA!!! Pathetic!

I bring this up, because I was asked if there was a degree that I wanted, that if I could have any four year degree, what would it be. I could only come up with something stupid and boring and pointless. An art degree? So I could actually learn how to paint? For what?!

So that got me thinking. What am I doing? I love making people happy. I love seeing people smile. I enjoy listening to others offload, lighten the weight on their shoulders. I like to mediate. I like to bring peace to people’s hearts. So where do I begin? Would another piece of paper declare to others that I officially know how to make people smile?

But this is what I seem to be exceptionally good at: asking questions of myself. I never seem to be able to answer them, just open more windows. Nothing like opening doors for myself. Just windows. An opening big enough for me to peer through but not walk through.

So I’m left with another question to myself. What do I do now?

And I don’t need anyone’s thoughts on this. I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head, because I know I’m not the only one who would read this and understand it completely. This blog was once a way to communicate to a very small group of people about the time I lived in my car. It has evolved over the past few years into a journal of sorts. It’s a way for me to get some of these thought clusters out of my damn head. Thank you for allowing me to put them into yours!

-Bonnie

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Already Giving Up A Little…

Why the hell is it so hard being happy?  I mean, isn’t that what people strive for?  Happiness?  So why is it such a struggle?  Why is that we can work and work and work for our goals, but the happiness from achieving them fades away leaving us wanting more?  These are questions that have been haunting me lately, and the more I dwell, the more my happiness fades away to leave a dull, gray residue behind, and that’s all I see anymore.  

I had a bad night recently. Although I may have had one too many beers, I got depressed and began to think a tad irrationally.  So I shut down my FB page. I shut down my FB Messenger.  I almost posted my final blog post as well, but I fell asleep before I hit post, and now I can’t find the draft…   So consider yourself lucky. 😉   I’m kidding!  You’re not lucky!!!!  Here you are, reading my randomness again!  So there!  😛

In my last post I mentioned my loathing for apartment hunting.  Sadly I have been too damn busy to even have the chance to find one!  This only sets me back further as anything that was available for an August move in is sure to have been snatched up with nothing until September or October. Just my luck!  I am trying to get out of here. I feel like a freeloader, hence my never really being around anymore.  I’ll stay out late and grab wings and a beer at Hooters, or I’ll stay late at the park, or I’ll just do nothing really.  I try to hide in the back room to avoid being in the way and attempt to lessen my feelings of being such a loser. Which yes, I am a loser.  Such a loser of a loser.  I’m pretty pathetic.  I can’t help but feel worse and worse as each day passes.  And though no one would claim that I am one, I still feel that way just the same. Anyone who knows me also knows I never intended to be in the situation I am currently in.  If it weren’t for the heat, I’d still be in my car until I found a place. 

Among other news, I signed back up for match.com.  Yeah I know.  Guess I like to torture myself.  That must be it!  First date was ok, then he started with the drama.  Um, nope!  Second date, that guy just wants fun.  I have been propositioned via the match messenger more than I care to think about!  I had a date Sunday that I thought went great, but then allegedly we were supposed to go out again tonight, but then he got his daughter.  Which ok.  That’s fine. I totally understand that.  But at least have the decency to let me know ahead of time rather than allow me to sound like a nag until you finally tell me what the hell is going on.  I don’t see it being that much to ask for.  Really.  Common courtesy is nice!  Then there was another guy I was chatting with.  Now I have been blown off by that one the same day.  I am just really getting tired.  

So yeah.  Trying to date again sucks.  I mean really?  All you want to do is what?  Um…no. Apartment hunting?  That’s sucky too!!!  Ugh!  Just shoot me already!!!  If I wanted to hook up I’d download tinder.   Trust me.  I have thought about trying it to see if you can actually score a date rather than a yeah.  You guessed it. 

Next week I will be in Denver.  I know I am wiring stuff in the field.  That’s about it. So I am going to stay through the following weekend in order to enjoy the area a bit.  Maybe check out Garden of the Gods and some microbreweries over there.   🙂 

So I am going to leave it at that and get some much needed sleep.  Wish me luck, because I am about to throw my hands up and say I quit.  Men are beginning to piss me off.  If it wasn’t for the small amount of fun they can provide from time to time, I’d be done.  So stupid and frustrating and exhausting!  Anyway, have a good night!  😉
Fundraising event Friday night in Austin with me hanging out on stage with the drag queen.  She was fabulous!!!!!  
Where is this guy?!?!  Am I asking too much?!?!

  
Where I’d rather be right now…

  
And I can do a pull up now!!!!!!

 Woohoo!!!!!  So I rewarded myself with this!
  

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I Feel Like Writing A Bit…

So I am chillin in the car. Just thinking. My stomach is making random noises like something out of an aliens movie. The wind is blowing as a Texas cold front continues to drop our spring-like temps back into winter reality. Although a Texas winter is like spring to the North. I am not apologetic about this. I like not having to step outside into weather that hurts my face. It’s nice! No negative thirties here! Woohoo!!! So 😛

I have so much randomness going through my head. Especially since stupid Valentines Day is fast approaching. It’s stupid, because I’m single. Not that I am really in a place in my life to start a relationship, but the thought is always nice. Can’t really bust out with a, “Hey baby. Why don’t you come back to my place?” Hahaha!!! Yeah! Like guys living with their parents aren’t a turn off!!! But you know, just because I’m not relationship worthy at the moment doesn’t mean that I don’t like to be hit on. I mean, really? And I’m sorry, but creepy, stalker guys that live in windowless vans don’t count! Oh sure we could share car living tips, but I will not be seeing what that shag carpet looks like in the inside. Nope! I will not get in your van thinking I’m helping you as you load a couch into it and push me to the back. I refuse to be a dress!!!!!!

Seriously though. This is where my self confidence thinks, wtf? I don’t need anyone else’s approval, but then again I do. It’s flattering when people are nice and hold open a door or they smile or say or start s conversation. But it’s so rare for me anymore. Am I ugly? I don’t think I am. I mean, I’m very far from Miss Texas pretty, but I don’t look like that chick from A League Of Their Own either. You know the one!!! Am I intimidating? I don’t really see it. I’m always smiling and trying to keep my body language open, but obviously I am doing it all wrong. Maybe I come off as a but stand-offish? Maybe guys don’t like women who can take care of themselves? Maybe I’m too tall? Maybe I’m too fat? Maybe maybe maybe!!!!!!! It’s enough to drive somebody insane!!! Hit on me dammit!!!!! Say hi! Use a GD pick up line you got off a gum wrapper! Anything!!!!

I need sleep. I’ll just be dreaming of an adventure I’ll most likely go on alone…

-B

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