Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Catcher of Rainbows…

I am not a writer.

I am not a painter.

I am not a poet.

I am not an electrician.

I am not a homemaker.

I am not religious.

So what the fuck am I? Besides annoying and sarcastic and hilarious? Probably the only thing I excel at being: a Jack of all trades. I would say Jill, but then people look at me all cockeyed, so it’s just easier being a Jack. Master? Nope! Expert? Absolutely not! Genius? Hahaha! No! Scholar?Most definitely nope! So what am I besides being subpar or good enough to do as many things as I possibly can?

Scatterbrained. Absolutely all over the place. You thought I’d use a better term, right? Believe me, I thought maybe philomath would be a good one to use as an all encompassing umbrella term, but when it is synonymous with scholar and genius, I have to say it’s a hard nope. If you’ve never heard of a philomath before, it’s worth the lookup. In a way it does describe me. You just have to knock its seriousness down about ten rungs to that whole Jack/Jill level. Nothings against the Jacks and Jills of the world, because we keep this world moving.

Wanting to learn everything I possibly can comes with a price. I have learned (yeah, ba da dum, tsss) as I’ve gotten older that my brain does not like to shut off. It has its moments of pure, determined focus, but more often than not, it is attempting to catch rainbows. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I have so many ideas that I can’t seem to recall 90% of them. If I don’t associate your name with something immediately, I will forget it within two minutes of hearing it. If I sit down at a restaurant, and there’s no conversation, I will read everything in range, at least five times, and I will still have to reread the menu to figure out what I want to eat. It is a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse, but it has given me a divine sense of humor that can come out as mean if I don’t watch myself. Which is also odd, because I am actually a nice person. Annoying, yes! Mean, no! But I can be, so don’t be a dick!

I have learned to write everything down so I don’t forget. I also have to remind myself to remember to write it down, because I will forget to do that too. There are so many things I still want to do, see, and experience in my life, that I no longer have a bucket list. I have a CVS receipt over a mile long. In fact, it’s probably hit the two mile mark at this point, but honestly, I don’t remember where it left off. Obviously the list gets longer each year, because I find myself doing things that aren’t even on my list to begin with. Then I add more to that list that I may or may not get to this year. Or next year. Or ever. Eek!

The desire to learn is strong. I do consider myself pretty damn good at figuring things out. I can Google like a champ, and if I can’t find it on the internet, it most likely doesn’t exist. So there’s that. I love puzzles, cryptograms, word searches, and other random, mind-engaging activities. No. I do not like crosswords, chess, or algebraic equations that use Greek alphanumeric characters that have an assigned, mathematical value. Hell nope! When puzzles are associated with math, like the Rubik’s Cube, I’m out. I can add, multiply, figure out angles, and solve for x. Calculators are my friends. Again. Google is my friend. I can get a max of two sides of that damn cube. So I gotta admit that performing at 33.3…% efficiency is sad. Like, really sad.

And yet I must learn more!

But I never seem to want to learn everything about one thing. I just want to learn something about everything. So that whole curse thing happens here: I learn enough to do whatever task is at hand, and then the desire to learn more vanishes once that particular task is complete. I have a minimum of twenty started projects going at the same time, but two new ones are added each time I complete one. I still owe (not really owe, I enjoy giving a lot) multiple Christmas gifts that I am still in the process of making. I put my heart into everything I do and make, and yet my brain likes to travel elsewhere. It is stressful, exhausting, and it takes its toll on my current, physical and mental state. I get tension headaches nearly every day now, and if I don’t get those under control, they evolve into migraines. Those bad boys like to linger a good three days. I want to get so many things done every day that I don’t seem to have time to finish them. That is, if I even find the time to begin.

Everything is fleeting. My writing comes in waves. My desire to paint is like a storm blowing through. I waste time doing absolutely, nothing worthy of said time. When my body wants nothing more than to sleep, because my eyeballs literally hurt, my brain has other plans. Yay! Puzzles!!! That inspiration to get things done, seems to sputter out midway through just writing out my to-do list. I am a mess.

So why am I writing now? Why am I sharing my nightmare of a mental state with you? Why am I sharing with you the things I enjoy starting and never finishing? Yeah. I don’t know either. Maybe it just helps me organize my thoughts a bit. Maybe I have some deep, philosophical urge to let others know they’re not the only crazy people out there. You are not alone. We are not alone. Know why? Because we are all fucking crazy. Seriously. The quicker you learn that the easier life becomes, because no one thinks the exact same way you or I do. At least we are unique in some way. Ok. Not really. We just like to believe that lie we tell ourselves. We are sooooooooo not unique, and the universe is completely indifferent to our measly, blip of an existence. Even knowing all of that, I still want to learn more. Yes. I’m crazy. But at least I admit it.

Keep doing your crazy. I’ll keep doing mine.

Just don’t be a dick about it.

-Bonnie

Yeah. I can write poetry to scare people, and paint one hell of a bear. I can make a grilled cheese that’ll give you a heart attack ten years down the road (I’m trying to shorten that to five by adding even more butter. I think it’s working), and I can organize like a motha fuckah! I can lay waste to a bag of Dove silky, milk chocolates, and I can get my cat Sausage to “do the thing” which involves getting her to rear up on her stocky little ham hock back legs to get more scratches. Yeah. She’s a special one with her own IG account @catsausage. I can also continue writing random shit about myself, because your level of crazy wants to keep reading it. Sucker! I kid! I appreciate you reading my randomness. I really do. I think it’s fun sharing my weirdness, because you can maybe relate to a fraction of it. If not, I at least hope it was entertaining. Go check out my cat’s page. You know you want to. Just do it. Yes. I am pushing my cat now. You’re welcome. 😉

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It Could Always Be Worse…

I say this to myself far too often. But it’s true. It’s an all encompassing truth. At least for me anyway.

So let me tell you how my week has been going. Just realize it’s only Tuesday. That should give an awesome clue as to how this will be laid out.

Sunday was a good day. Warm. I got a couple of paintings done and started a separate art project. It was sunny and warm, around 81°F. It was a tad boring of a day, but I kept busy for the most part. Then a storm comes through. Temps drop. Crazy lightning outside. Flood warnings. Yay Texas weather! It’s kinda normal, actually. The kicker is that Monday morning it is 39 F(ing) degrees outside! 39°?!?! And it’s raining. Cold and wet. Great start to a Monday.

I head outside to my car, praying it will start. Clyde does not like cold weather, but I’ve had so much work done to it that I am hoping it will be ok. Clyde started right up. Wasn’t running weird from the cold. I was highly impressed at this point. It’s going to be a great day! Right? Not until I head home from work!

Clyde has thrown in the towel. I barely made it home. Called the shop where I had spent far too much money to get Clyde fixed up. No answer. Actually, it’s Tuesday night, and I still haven’t received a phone call back. Jerks! Anyway, I had to pull over a few times on the way home, but I made it. Thankfully I made it. Of course my heart is pounding. I’m thinking my car is finally going to blow up. It didn’t. Whew! So anyway, my dad has a spare vehicle, and I am currently borrowing that. My stepmom is amazing! She came over to pick me up, brought dinner for me, and gave me the keys to my dad’s car. So awesome!

I don’t have internet at my place yet (actually getting installed tomorrow, been out for a few months now and cellular signal is fucking terrible). So I am attempting to begin the car buying process which involves multiple searches and filters and blah blah blah. Car shopping. I loathe car shopping. Since we were having shitty weather all day yesterday, my cell service was extra crappy. I couldn’t load anything. I was frustrated. I don’t think my bf knew what to do with me at this point. I know he wishes he could help more, but he’s in need of a new vehicle as well. Aren’t we a cute couple? Both in a hole at this point. So I call my mom.

My mom was all into helping me search for a “new” vehicle. She was putting in search criteria for me, and sending me pictures (which took an eternity to download on the phone 🙄), and she was emailing me links to check out the next day. Super cute and sweet! Love my mom so much! I’m pretty sure she was more excited about car shopping than I was. She found some good ones. Of course, anyone who can’t just walk onto a lot and pay cash for a new vehicle know the joys of used car shopping. You have to test drive all of them. I found some vehicles I was interested in, but dear God! They were not exactly nearby. Frustrating. Crappy weather. Figuring out loan calculators and budget and wondering if I’ll have food for the winter. Such fun!

Today, Tuesday, I drive to work. I’m there for thirty minutes and get a phone call from a friend of mine (also a coworker). She ran out of gas maybe two miles from a gas station! Her car lied to her and said she still had 21 miles left to go before being empty. So I leave the office to go pick her up. We head to the gas station. She gets a gas can and a gallon of gas. We head back to her car. Mind you it is cold as hell and just raining. Great weather to get stuck in. Just miserable weather. Bleh. So we get back to her car. The gas can nozzle won’t fit into her gas tank! I never knew this before, but Fords have a funnel-like thing with the spare just for this! Well, guess what she didn’t have with her spare. So we head to the office. Figure there’s a funnel somewhere in the shop.

Lunchtime rolls around, the rain sort of turns into a light drizzle, and we get ready to head back to her car. Walk out to my borrower vehicle and the driver’s side front tire is looking pretty low. Really? I was just like, come on universe, are you serious right now?! We head over to the gas station, slowly of course, and I put air in the tire. Seems good. We start off towards her car, get on the freeway, and the tire pressure sensor goes off. Pretty much at this point I was over it. I make it to another gas station, pull up to the air, trying to figure out what to do. It’s still cold and rainy. At this point it decided to rain a little harder. Called a coworker to take my friend to her car so I can beeline to a shop. Found a shop nearby, called, and they said they could fix it but wouldn’t be able to get to it for over an hour. That’s fine! Coworker comes to pick up friend. I refill the tire with air and head to the shop. PSI is dropping fast. I slowly make it to another station. More air. I’ve got three blocks to go, and I really don’t want to damage the wheel of this vehicle. Slowly make it to the shop. Get it there, and it finishes deflating.

Gotta say these guys were on it. They finished what they were working on and started working on the tire. Then they tell me the hole is too big to fix and have to use the spare. Fine with me! Do what you guys need to do! Guy comes back in and asks where the special tool is to get the spare down. I have no clue. Didn’t know there was a special tool for this. What else could go wrong?! Incredibly they found it!!! They mounted the spare. Didn’t charge me a thing! Seriously! Nothing! I asked what I owed, and the guy says nothing. I tell him I owe him something. The guy says I don’t. So I thank him multiple times, extremely grateful for the small kindness that brightened my dreary day. I make it back to work only wanting to go home and curl up in a ball and cry.

I made it through the cold and rainy day. Drove home from work. Walked to the front door and I see a bag hanging off the door handle. I take it inside, happy to see my two hair balls and open the bag I brought in. My stepmom brought it over for me with a card, a pumpkin dish, and a bag of candy corn, and that made me cry. I talk to my mom who is wanting to help me out by selling her horse trailer and old truck to lend me cash to put towards a car so I don’t have to pay interest. That made me cry. So my moms made my day end so sweetly and I felt so much love from the two of them. They really know how to remind me that I am loved. So even though my week has started off pretty shitty, today ended in lots of love and feelings of gratitude. Because it could always be worse.

To mellow this post out a touch, I’m going to share something. I recently had more work added to my tattoo piece on my back which entailed four butterflies. The original butterfly I had put on my back was for my grandmother. But I wanted three more coming up over shoulder. Each of those represents my mom, my stepmom, and my ex stepmom. The moms in my life who always made sure I was ok. They are there to help me when I need guidance and strength and someone to vent to. They are with me at all times. All of my tats have individual meanings, but they all come together as a mortality piece on my back. Still need more work done to complete. It’s almost there. It’s special to me. It’s me. But I wanted to share that about the butterfly section.

I hope this hasn’t been too dreary and all of a post, but I feel like sharing my shitty week with you, only to get to the end and seeing how beautiful today turned out. I am so grateful for the little things, my friends, my coworkers, my bf, even when adulting tries to bodyslam me from time to time, those little things all add up to amazingly grand things that make me smile.

Because, after all, it could be worse.

-Bonnie

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Life As I Know It…

It’s a tad crazy to say the least. You’re up one moment and down the next. But then you zoom back up again only to fall further down, and then you’re ok. Not great. Not terrible. Just ok. And I have learned that ok is ok. It could always be worse.

But it does seem Life has its curveballs, and sometimes you just can’t hit the damn ball that’s been thrown your way. It’s football season, and why the hell am I using a baseball analogy? Whatever. Moving on. So yeah. Life. It’s the greatest adventure we will ever know. It’s our life. We make it what we want. Yes. There are plenty of external factors that can influence it for good or bad, but overall, it’s yours. It’s yours to do with as you please. Waste it. Grow it. Destroy it. Expand it. End it. All things we as humans are capable of doing with this gift we have all been given. Not that we had any say as to whether we wanted one to begin with, but I would like to think I am quite happy that I was even given this opportunity to live. To laugh. To cry. To create another life. To love.

Our parents passed this gift of life to us, sometimes by accident. They happen. Their lives will one day end, and ours will continue on for a while. It’s inevitable. We have the choice to give life to another, and the cycle continues. The first few years our lives are not our own. They are governed in some form or fashion. The attempt to mold us while we are young and susceptible to influence to become more in the eyes of our parents and others. But we grow up and realize this one major thing: it’s my life. Some people never grasp this. Some grasp it early on. Some grasp it only when they have passed it on to another. There are an infinite number of ways that people become aware of their life belonging to them. So how do we decide, out of the endless possibilities, what we want to do with it?

One thing I have learned is that life is uncertain as all fuck. I have written plenty about how my plans for my life never seem to go accordingly. It’s like I’m swimming, swimming, swimming and then WHAM! I swim into a fucking wave this hits hard! Really hard! So I get confused. Wonder what the hell just happened. How did I get pushed backwards from how far I thought I had gotten? Maybe I swim around in circles until I’m completely lost. Maybe throw in a little panic mode for good measure. Then I look at my options of how to get through the wave currently making a beeline for me to wash me up on shore. Sometimes I just have to swim over it. It might take a while, or maybe it was a small wave I could have easily dove under if I was paying the slightest attention to the details? Each wave is different. I like using the wave analogy, because even though they can stop you in your tracks, they can also make you fall backwards and tumble, tumble some more, lose your breath, force your head onto a rock, panic, tumble again, scratch your legs up pretty bad, and maybe even throw some seaweed into your face. Which seems ok until you actually experience seaweed in your face! But eventually you make it through and breath deep.

So back to this whole gift of life and the choices we make thing. We can take the highs but be prepared for the lows. We can take the lows and hope we can find that high again. Hope. An extremely important motivator. A small thing that has great influence in our lives. We can use hope for any bad scenario. It helps us look at our low points as if they are ok.

Life is full of ok moments, and life is full of good moments if we choose to see them that way. It may seem like I’m rambling on about this, but trust me. In my head it’s all perfectly laid out and makes complete sense. Or so I would like to believe. Just when I think I have it all figured out, that curveball is sent straight for my head hoping to knock some sense into it that I have absolutely nothing figured out at all. And that’s one of the beautiful parts of this gift I have been given. I’ll never figure it out, but hopefully I can prepare myself to enjoy it to the fullest. I’ve had my share of hurt and pain and heartbreak and endless wave upon wave, and I choose to look back and learn from those lessons to make my life better for the future I hope I get. Because honestly, we don’t know when this gift of life stops giving.

So, with my ramblings, I hope that you see your life as a gift too! The millions of people that have had a butterfly effect on my life and vice versa are all gifts in some way. Hopefully when I am feeling low I will think back on this post and remember the hope I have expressed here. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose the light. Don’t forget your gift. It’s too easy to lose your way in the darkness, but don’t give up hope. Remember, we are all sharing this gift of life with each other. Maybe this time it will go as planned…

Love,

Bonnie 💙

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Isn’t It Funny…

…where life takes you? It’s always a journey you never expected. You’re supposed to learn from your experiences and grow and become better, right? When sometimes it just becomes this overwhelming mass of crap that hits you all at once. Someone can ask just the right question, and it stays in the back of your mind to ponder a day later. Then that breeds more questions. Then you start thinking about why you did certain things. Then you wonder what you did with your life. Seriously! What the hell have I been doing with myself? Twenty years! It took me TWENTY YEARS to get a TWO YEAR degree!!! HA!!! Pathetic!

I bring this up, because I was asked if there was a degree that I wanted, that if I could have any four year degree, what would it be. I could only come up with something stupid and boring and pointless. An art degree? So I could actually learn how to paint? For what?!

So that got me thinking. What am I doing? I love making people happy. I love seeing people smile. I enjoy listening to others offload, lighten the weight on their shoulders. I like to mediate. I like to bring peace to people’s hearts. So where do I begin? Would another piece of paper declare to others that I officially know how to make people smile?

But this is what I seem to be exceptionally good at: asking questions of myself. I never seem to be able to answer them, just open more windows. Nothing like opening doors for myself. Just windows. An opening big enough for me to peer through but not walk through.

So I’m left with another question to myself. What do I do now?

And I don’t need anyone’s thoughts on this. I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head, because I know I’m not the only one who would read this and understand it completely. This blog was once a way to communicate to a very small group of people about the time I lived in my car. It has evolved over the past few years into a journal of sorts. It’s a way for me to get some of these thought clusters out of my damn head. Thank you for allowing me to put them into yours!

-Bonnie

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Happiness

Why is happiness so hard to hold onto?!  You see people who always seem to be happy on the outside.  They’re always friendly and smiling and ready to cheer everyone up, and they just make it look like the universe is in their corner. I try to be that person.  I try so hard.  But inside it is a typhoon of darkness and sadness and worries and stress and tears.  

Some people say happiness is a choice.  I agree.  It is a choice.  But damn if it isn’t one of the hardest ones.  It’s so easy to trip and fall into unhappiness. It’s so much easier to sink and sulk and pity yourself.  So why?  Why is something that is so incredibly good for you and everyone around you so difficult to achieve?  Why is it so much easier to let the mind wander into unhappiness when happiness is just around the corner?  Why does the corner seem so far away at times?  Ugh!  

I don’t have anything to be unhappy about.  Ok, well, I do, but I can choose to ignore it, right?  Does ignoring the things that make you unhappy keep you happy?  Of course that doesn’t work!  Ignoring it allows it to continue to fester and grow and creep in and then poke you constantly.  Yet it is seemingly easier to ignore it than fix it.  Why do some of us struggle with fixing the bad to make ourselves happier?  Is it denial?  Is it fear?  Is it ignorance?  Is it a combination of all of that and more?   

So I ask you, what makes you happy?  What helps keep you from focusing on the crap that can so easily turn your smile into a frown?  What is your secret?  I don’t want to be sad, and I don’t want to be grumpy, and I don’t want to whine about things when I can make it better.  I’m just curious.  I realize everyone has their own happy to find. I know one of my “happies”, but it isn’t feasible most of the time.  Let me know!

-Bonnie


From a recent trip to Long Island, NY. 

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I Feel Like Writing A Bit…

So I am chillin in the car. Just thinking. My stomach is making random noises like something out of an aliens movie. The wind is blowing as a Texas cold front continues to drop our spring-like temps back into winter reality. Although a Texas winter is like spring to the North. I am not apologetic about this. I like not having to step outside into weather that hurts my face. It’s nice! No negative thirties here! Woohoo!!! So 😛

I have so much randomness going through my head. Especially since stupid Valentines Day is fast approaching. It’s stupid, because I’m single. Not that I am really in a place in my life to start a relationship, but the thought is always nice. Can’t really bust out with a, “Hey baby. Why don’t you come back to my place?” Hahaha!!! Yeah! Like guys living with their parents aren’t a turn off!!! But you know, just because I’m not relationship worthy at the moment doesn’t mean that I don’t like to be hit on. I mean, really? And I’m sorry, but creepy, stalker guys that live in windowless vans don’t count! Oh sure we could share car living tips, but I will not be seeing what that shag carpet looks like in the inside. Nope! I will not get in your van thinking I’m helping you as you load a couch into it and push me to the back. I refuse to be a dress!!!!!!

Seriously though. This is where my self confidence thinks, wtf? I don’t need anyone else’s approval, but then again I do. It’s flattering when people are nice and hold open a door or they smile or say or start s conversation. But it’s so rare for me anymore. Am I ugly? I don’t think I am. I mean, I’m very far from Miss Texas pretty, but I don’t look like that chick from A League Of Their Own either. You know the one!!! Am I intimidating? I don’t really see it. I’m always smiling and trying to keep my body language open, but obviously I am doing it all wrong. Maybe I come off as a but stand-offish? Maybe guys don’t like women who can take care of themselves? Maybe I’m too tall? Maybe I’m too fat? Maybe maybe maybe!!!!!!! It’s enough to drive somebody insane!!! Hit on me dammit!!!!! Say hi! Use a GD pick up line you got off a gum wrapper! Anything!!!!

I need sleep. I’ll just be dreaming of an adventure I’ll most likely go on alone…

-B

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