Bonnie’s Beach 🏖

My Life. My Experiences. My Love. My Words.

Jun 18

I Miss You…

by oceangrrrl

We all miss something or someone or some time or some place or some experience. There’s a hole somewhere. A place that can only be filled with memories or imagination. I know a lot of times I’ll say I miss being a kid. And it’s not that I can’t run around or go climb trees or explore, it’s just that I make excuses that I’m tired, I want to sleep in, that’s private property, I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t have time, my knee is acting iffy, etc. It’s sad that I somehow deny myself those simple, childish joys. I feel the urge to get out and do more, but it’s so nice just relaxing in the hammock with my book or sitting on the back porch with Sausage, whose favorite thing to do is relax:

That’s Sausage. I really need to leash train that little beast so I can drag her around with me in the great outdoors. I’ll let you know if that is even a possibility. 😂

But back to missing things.

So what has brought about this sort of laziness? I miss the never ending curiousness and energy I once had. I think once you get to my age it’s not that you’re old, but it’s more that you’re well aware time is actually pretty short. I’ll be thirty-eight this year, and yeah, I know, to some people that’s not old, that’s very true. I’m not old per se, but I am old enough to understand I’m not young anymore. I’m old enough to understand that life is short, and I need to spend time with the ones I love before time runs out. That also means I understand I have a limited amount of time to try things I’ve never done and enjoy things I love to do. Still, I don’t do them (not all of them anyway). And I know I’ll miss them if I let them slip away.

It is a curious thing to try to understand why these choices are made. It sort of circles back to my post about those super go go go people. It’s like they totally understand time is short and are doing everything they can to fill it. Then there are those people who really just don’t gaf. They let time go by and, well, maybe it doesn’t matter if they don’t care. Maybe that’s just one of the “keys” to getting through life happily (or just getting through it). You either understand and act upon squeezing as much life in as you can, or you go through life not caring so it doesn’t bother you? Am I an in-between-er? Is that even a category? Everything is categorized these days anyway, so I may as well stick a label on it right? But still, missing things. I keep missing my point here and drifting.

Missing things! I miss the youth I used to have. I miss the memory skills I used to have. I miss friends who were toxic to my life, and even though they were toxic, they were still a part of who I have become. I miss the family members in my life who are no longer with me. I miss the freedoms of being a kid and not having to adult. I miss summer vacations with cousins, and just being able to actually go on one. I miss the newness of experiences growing up. I miss you. I miss me.

So here I go with another balance spiel. I keep getting myself stuck in the past at times. I know this doesn’t do me any good. Reminiscing about the past only makes you sad. It makes you long for things that are no longer obtainable. Memories, good or bad, can have a negative affect the more you dwell on them. Even the good memories can make you begin to wish for them again and distract you from experiencing good things right in front of your face. This seems to be a recurring issue with me. Maybe it is with everyone? Maybe some people are just better at jumping back into reality before the past begins to take over their thoughts? Here I go again creating more questions and digging deeper into something without actually fixing it. But maybe that’s what I need to do to be a better me? Maybe this sort of inner reflection is what I need to see me more clearly? To realize that I don’t need to miss who I was? Maybe I need to see past the past, and take joy in who I am becoming? Back in the times that I miss, all those experiences have helped shaped me into me. They helped shape you into you. And do I miss your younger you? Do I miss your not-as-wise-as-you-are-now you? Not at all! So why should I dwell on missing the old me? Well, the younger me, really, but you know what I mean.

Maybe this post can help us both look forward to what we will become. Maybe that’s the key to motivation and living life to the fullest? And maybe you have to take the time to miss the past, because it helps you plan and get excited about the future? Obviously I can’t answer that, but I think I’m pretty good at the introspection part of it all. So, me and balance. Gotta find the balance. Gotta enjoy the now. The past is done. It can’t be changed, and even if it hurts, it’s still there. The past can teach us so many lessons if we choose to learn from it, but it can also rip us apart and drag us down to live it over and over again and miss our now. Our own sort of Hell if you will.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Plus I’ve noticed my posts are sort of boring lately. I keep doing this look inward thing, and I can only imagine how exciting it is to continuously turn the mirror back at myself/yourself whatever. I’ll post something upbeat again soon I promise! It’s almost my mini-me’s 17th (yeah OMG!) birthday, and there are some good time’s ahead! Oh! I got to see the Alamo for the first time and cruise San Antonio’s river walk a little bit this past weekend! Yeah. I know. I live in Texas and hadn’t seen any of that yet. It’s a big state dammit!!! I’ve been pretty blessed to see some other things in my life that many will never see, so I’m just checking off some sites from my to-see list! I’m sure there will be some more San Antonio exploring and some river floating in my near future. Maybe even some peace and quiet and relaxation. I’ll let you know! Til then, ciao!

-Bonnie

Oh yeah! I’m getting more work done on a tattoo piece that I am so looking forward to getting done!!! So excited!!!!!!

Volleyball time with my mini and her bestie! Oh summer days and sunshine!!!!

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Jun 10

Sometimes I Feel Lost…

by oceangrrrl

There are times in my life where I feel as though my ship has drifted off its course. There are times when I feel like the universe has aligned the planets just for me. When things fall into place, I feel as though I am on top of the world. It’s like a bow-of-the-Titanic sort of feeling. Well, prior to the whole iceberg thing, but you know what I’m saying. So when things aren’t going the way they “should”, it’s frustrating as all hell. Like why? Whyyyyyyyyyy??????? Why can’t things continuously go with the flow?? What did I do to fuck all of this up???? Why is the universe/God/existence/karma/whatever trying to punish me? What in the world could I have gotten so wrong?

It’s funny. Life does NOT work out according to plan. Ok. According to MY plan. But still. It’s MY life dammit! Every time I think things are going the way I planned them to, they are upended by life. Things change. Circumstances change. The universe feels I should be moving in a completely different direction from where I am currently headed. It gets frustrating. Some of you may totally understand what I am trying to convey. Some of you will say this life is not really ours, it belongs to God or god or whomever. Some will say this isn’t even real anyway. Everyone has an idea or a lesson or an experience that helps them answer this question to themselves, and it’s amazing how most everyone believes their views are the correct ones. But! That’s a discussion for a different time. When that one comes up I’ll throw in some money and politics for fun! Hahaha!!!

Anyway. Back to being derailed by the powers and energies that be. We all know life has its ups and downs. People are born. People die. There are miracles. There are disasters. It all comes back around to the balance of it all. Something any of my sadist blog readers know I am a huge believer of. You can’t have highs without lows. And you can’t appreciate those highs without being brought to your knees. It’s a vicious cycle that all you can do is learn to prepare for. And even in that there lies a balance. Spend too much time preparing for the worst, and you won’t get to enjoy the best. Worrying too much about the future takes the experience away from the now. Remaining stuck in the past keeps you from applying those past lessons to your future. And on and on and on it goes. It only stops when we’re dead, I guess.

And here I go again not really answering anything at all. I continue to have my crazy highs and lows in life, and just when I get comfortable the universe says move along there’s nothing to see here anymore. Gee thanks a billion! I really need to work on my worrying though! I’m really good about stressing myself out the instant I feel I need to fix whatever just happened. So I jump on the problem and freak the fuck out and stress myself out. Thankfully I have people in my life who know what to say to get me to be in the moment, take a deep breath, and realize I’ve got this. Stop worrying about the things I can’t control. Do what is in my power and roll along with what is thrown at me. Sometimes you have to duck and dodge. Sometimes you have to block. Sometimes you just have to take it. Sometimes you have to throw something back. But nothing sharp though! We don’t want to gouge anything! It’s always fun and games until someone loses an eye!

Well, I hope I succeeded in getting the wheels turning and the gears grinding and not answering any questions I asked myself. Eh. It happens. Keep living and loving life as best you can. Remember, you got this!

-Bonnie

Sometimes the simplest views are where all the beauty goes to show off. All about the little things… 😊

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Jun 5

Reassurance Is My Top Insecurity…But Is It Really?

by oceangrrrl

I think we have all determined that I am a woman. At least according to science. But we won’t get into detail on that one. You’ll just have to take my word on it. 😉 I say that, because, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I really like reassurance. I mean, honestly, I need it. There are some people who thrive on being reassured about their performance or attitude or just in general. I like to know if I’m doing a good job or not. How am I to better myself or my processes if I don’t get feedback? How am I supposed to plan or improve if I don’t get acknowledgment???

I think it could possibly be a chick thing, but thinking about it over the last ten sentences makes me think it’s probably more universal than I give it credit. We all have some sort of insecurities, but we handle them differently. Personally I need to know. Deep down I know, but I need that assurance that it’s still there. I do this at work. I do this in relationships. I do this in my everyday life. It’s just part of being me. And it’s funny to think that I really, truly need that. I feel I am decently confident person, but there’s just that nagging in the back of mind. Like did I do a good job? Did I do a shitty job? Is there something I can improve to do a better job? What can I do for people to like me more? Does he really love me? Does she really love me?

Obviously those can eat at your psyche. I know I’d hear if I was doing a bad job. Right? So I assume I’ve done a good job. But it’s that uncertainty that starts feeding into your head like the Nothing, and besides, you know what happens when you assume. I know I am loved. So why do I need to hear it? Why is it necessary for me to get an audible affirmation to quench those doubts that shouldn’t even be there?! Why do I need to hear your thank you or good work or keep it up? My last post talks about how I like to make people happy. So is this tied together in some way??? Is my need to please only fulfilled when I hear that it has done some good? It’s funny the questions that can sink into your head when you take the time. I’m not entirely sure this is a good thing, but I do enjoy the questions. They are like doorways into yourself and others and help open up the why’s and how’s of things in life.

Maybe after all of this random thinking I only end up with more questions than when I started? I don’t really know if I am answering anything at all, but it does help me see myself a bit more. All I can do is grow and improve as I make my way through this existence. I mean, do I really need to tell myself I’ve done a good job so far, or can I keep the faith and become more than what I am currently am? I think I’m good! Until next time! 😙

-Bonnie

Seriously? That’s all I got! 😂😂😂

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May 25

Be Like Sausage…

by oceangrrrl

As I sit outside on my back porch, drinking my hot toddy while watching my fat cat attempt to catch the June bugs that are beginning to come out, I get to enjoy the warm evening air and the chance to think a bit. It’s true, what they say, life is a precious gift. It’s definitely not something I want to waste, but I also know I have spent many wasteful moments. I guess it’s part of the learning process, and you’re never done learning. I don’t want to be at the end of my days longing for all the wasted time. All those wasted hours that I could have been doing something more than what I did.

I love those infectious people with the unquenchable thirst for adventure and living. You know the ones. They always seem to have energy and go go go every day, and you wonder how they do it. I know I do! I wish I had that energy! That unfulfilled yearning to do everything possible! The want to constantly be on the move. Hell! Even the capability of being constantly on the move. How do they do it? They make it look so easy. So fluid. So natural. Like there’s no other way to be alive. I wish I had that passion and that drive and that ambition. How does one go about getting those things?

There are plenty of motivators out there in the world. There are people whose callings in life are helping others with finding theirs. There are places that inspire greatness. There are experiences that excite the soul to be more. To become more. And yet, how do we even run across these things? We’ll use me as an example. Here goes. So, I love to make people happy. I love seeing and being the cause for people to smile and laugh and for a second, forget whatever makes them unhappy. But that’s not my job. I don’t do that for a living. Part of what I enjoy about my job is that I get the opportunity to make the people I work with smile and laugh from time to time. But that can take work too. There are days when I am far far far, extremely fucking far from my usual, sunshiny self. There are days when I can’t even bring myself to smile, and those days make me feel even more terrible. Because, like I mentioned, I love making other people laugh and smile. And yes. I know I can’t be happy ALL the damn time, but it’s so defeating when I can’t even muster a smile for myself.

So how do these people do it? Are they just that good at hiding any emotion other than happiness? Are they seriously like this EVERY SINGLE DAY?! You hear that happiness is a choice. I mean, I’ve read it somewhere. It is. Definitely. But it’s a hard choice to make every day upon waking. There has to be a conscious effort, right? Sometimes the universe can throw some serious shit your way! Sometimes it feels impossible to be happy. But you know what? That’s ok. We don’t have to be happy ALL the fucking time. We are human. We can have bad days. It doesn’t make it any easier for those of us who would much rather be happy, but we are allowed to be imperfect and mopey and blah.

OK. I’ll stop there, because now it just sounds like I’m on some crazy, emotional rant about being human. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m tired of having to work at being happy. It’s not that I’m unhappy. I truly am happy! Just some days are so much easier than others. And there’s got to be a secret. Those go go go people have to have something figured out, and I just wish I knew what it was. Sometimes I wish I was like my cat Sausage. She’s a cat. I know. But I could learn a couple things from her. She’s fat and yet still active, and she couldn’t care less that she’s a tad grande. She lets her true intelligence shine through, and she may poop on the floor, but does she care what I think? Nope. Sausage does NOT care about the opinions of others! She definitely enjoys her cat food, but she will only eat solid white albacore tuna as a treat! So she obviously eats fine and indulges from time to time. I think I have that one down! Yay! Let’s see, what else. She sticks close to her family and does her best to “protect” us when an unknown comes to the door. By protect I mean she growls. Like actually growls. That is the extent of her guardcat status though. Because she runs away as soon as she sees the unknown. At least she lets me know when someone is walking up to the door. I mean, that’s pretty cool. She proves her loyalty and love to me every day. She may not cuddle with me, but she’s always there. She waits for me outside the shower. She lays at my feet at night. She lays at my feet on the couch. She hangs out near the kitchen when I cook. I mean. Such a simple life. Not a worry in the world! Well, ok. One worry. If the food bowl shows any sign of bowl at the bottom it’s panic mode time.

But seriously. I should be more like Sausage. Why worry about what others think? Why worry about anything more than if I have food and water and love? Basic necessities for all creatures. We humans just found ways to make it more and more complicated. I need to be more grateful for the things I have. For the limited time I have. For moments I shouldn’t have to worry about wasting, because they weren’t wasted. For the rare love that happens in life as a second chance. For the smiles I see on other people’s faces and the ones out in mine. Maybe that’s the secret. Until I know for sure I’ll just have to see what happens next and not waste my time. Until next time! 😉

-Bonnie 💙

Sausage. Be like her. 😊

She’s squishy!

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May 17

Next Time Wind!!!

by oceangrrrl

I love drinking and writing or writing and drinking or whatever. Somehow the creative juices about nothing start flowing, and the magic that has me extra talkative after a couple drinks makes my writing a little “loose-lipped”. So much randomness happens in life, and it’s easy to overlook some of the things that make life laughable at times. Such as me wearing dresses…

Those who know me know I am a fan of shorts (and pants), and that I see dresses and skirts as impractical. Because I mean, seriously, if you wear dental floss undergarments (like me), dresses flying up in the air in the breeze are NOT a good thing! Besides, what’s the point of wearing a skirt/dress if you’re practically wearing shorts already? Maybe it’s just me. Nah! I know I’m not alone on this one! But anyway, last week was a very special occasion. I wore a dress! I know!!! There’s no photographic evidence of this, so it’s hard to believe it’s true. I totally get it. But it DID happen! All fucking day I had to grab my dress, because anyone who has experienced Texas winds knows how relentless they can be. And you know what? Those winds don’t stop until they win. They won. Gotta give the wind credit. Wind=jerk. J-E-R-K! So it kept blowing, and I kept holding my dress down. I would bunch it around me, giving the wind my strongest finger, and I would win another battle. It wasn’t until the end of the evening I had to stop and get some gas. I swear I parked in some sort of wind tunnel, because there was a sudden gust and SWOOSH!!!! There goes my GD dress! Straight up!! My bare ass was visible to the world! So I backed myself up to my car as fast as I could, only able to hold the front down. My bare cheeks pressed against the side of my car, praying no one has seen me in this predicament. It wouldn’t stop! The wind was going to win the war! In what seemed like an eternity I had gathered my dress enough to pull it down to cover my ass. It was a miracle!!! I don’t think anyone saw me, but what an experience that was! Thank you, Universe, for reminding me why I don’t wear skirts/dresses. Ever. So awesome!

So there’s a fun bare-butt-cheeks-in-the-wind story! Hahahahaha!!!! Hope you enjoyed this quickie! I’ll write again soon!!!!!

-Bonnie 💙💙💙💙

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May 16

Let Me (Re)Introduce Myself…

by oceangrrrl

Hi!

My name is Bonnie. I am a lover of the ocean, the mountains, the desserts, the forests, the grasslands, you name it! I am a bit of a sun whore who will probably end up dying from it (I know, terrible). I love food! I love cooking food! I love eating food! I love reading and writing and painting and speed skating and stand up paddling and climbing and hiking and drinking and challenges and cryptograms and making people smile and my daughter and my mom and family and friends who are family and friends who are friends. I realized this list could go on for far too long, so I’ll just stop there. But I’m pretty sure you get the idea. I do and love and enjoy a lot of things in life!

I am a believer in balance. I don’t necessarily follow any religions, but I do have my beliefs. I was raised Christian, and grew up going to small (like seriously teeny tiny) Christian schools until high school. Lemme tell ya! That was a shock to the system! I had never seen a locker before! No joke! My classes had maybe up to 21 people in them. Then I go to a school where I have to change rooms, and there are 300+ fellow classmates. It was strange not knowing everyone in my class or classes or anything. This was the end of my innocence for sure!!!

So, graduated high school with honors. Failed at my first attempt at college. Joined the Army. Got out of that early (story for another time). Married. Child. Divorced. Single mom. School from time to time. Married. Moved to Hawaii. Moved back to Texas. Divorced. Single mom. Child moved in with her dad. Alone. Stupid boyfriends. Lived in car. Lost friends. Moved into apartment. Really stupid boyfriend. Child moves back in. No more stupid boyfriend. Finally earned my AAS degree! Moved with child. Single mom again. Awesome boyfriend who was my first love from high school!!! Not joking!!! Thought he was dead honestly. 20 year HS reunion had me Google his name. There he was. Messaged him on FB. He messaged back. C’est la vie! Due to his request for privacy, I won’t be writing much directly about him. That’s about all you’re getting for now. 😉

Life is crazy for sure!!!!!

So, hi everyone! Even people who know me probably don’t know all of that, and it’s fun to share my randomness. I think that’s part of being human, passing down stories in general. Not that knowing more about me will do your life really any good, but it’ll help give you a base for any of my future posts. I had mentioned I believe in balance. That is a very huge part of who I am. Future posts will probably involve the misadventures of me trying to find my balance. I will do my best not to bore you, and fair warning: I have a crude sense of humor, and I swear a lot at times (especially if I’ve had a couple of adult beverages before I decide to write, or during, whatever), and I just want to make sure you know that before you get sucked in.

With that, I will try to get on here and write more often. This will be a sort of therapy for me like journaling. I may be brutally honest in some posts. Others might be pretty meh. The future holds so much adventure that I can’t wait to share with you!!!! Let’s see where we go!

-Bonnie 💙

That is my mini me. Life would be boring without her!!!! Love my amazing Angel Pie!!! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Yes. I do realize that is missing an “a”.

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May 10

Just Felt Like It…

by oceangrrrl

Not sure why I am still awake, let alone writing anything. It’s been a while. It’s normal now. I’m not sure I have anything super interesting to write about. I’m doing my best to keep my personal life just that. After the last failure I discovered I don’t have to put my life out there for appearances. I have also been trying to steer away from too much social media and pretty much been spending all of that cumulative time on Instagram. Not only do I have my personal profile, but I also put my cat Sausage out there for the world to see. Seriously though, check out Sausage the Cat. She’s fat and fluffy and has beautiful blue eyes.

But just so you know, I am incredibly happy! Life isn’t easy, but it’s good! Work is work, and it’s hard finding joy in it anymore. The main face and smile of the Sunshine Committee is finding it extremely difficult spreading the sunshine to others. I think I may have lost my spirit. But I’m still chugging along. Responsibilities come first. But seriously though, what have I been doing with my life? Not fulfilling my calling, that’s for sure!

Anyway, not to dull the shine anymore than I already have, that’s my quick update. Maybe I’ll write more soon. Maybe I won’t. Mother’s Day is this Sunday! So please thank your mom and give her a hug if she was an amazing mom. I know I was blessed with an amazing mom!!!! I don’t always show her, but she had better damn well know how much she is loved! Even when she doesn’t feel like she is. I need to do a much better job of reminding her, because I have been slacking in the good daughter department for sure! I love you, Mom! Plus I got two bonus moms! That’s a lot of love growing up! I couldn’t have asked for more!

-Bonnie

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Mar 28

It’s a Little Bit Funny…

by oceangrrrl

…this feeling inside. But seriously though, isn’t it?

I’ve had a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. None of them bad, that I can recall. I have been anointed with amazing luck at this point in my life. All of it unexpected. All of it amazing!

I would go into more detail, but it’s not quite the right time yet to discuss everything. As much as I have ranted in the past and discussed personal matters, I am trying to conduct myself in a perceptively more mature way. What I will tell you though, is that the heart is an amazing muscle!!!! Don’t ever underestimate it! I say this to you as much as I say it to myself. It has helped me survive over the years, and even when I think it couldn’t break any further, it continues to beat and to thrive. I’ve always promoted loving with all you have. Sometimes that is extremely difficult to do, but what’s the point of life if you don’t love it?

During spring break a couple of weeks ago, I took my amazing mini me, aka Angel Pie, camping for a couple of nights. She and I had never done that as just the two of us. We organized all the camping stuff, grabbed my two tents (we weren’t sure which one we’d have to use), the hammocks, the sleeping bags, all that fun stuff! This had to have been the most organized camping trip ever! We stopped at the store on the way out to Mineral Wells State Park. Living in Fort Worth, Mineral Wells always seemed so damn far away! I pulled up Waze, and MWSP was only 35 minutes from where I currently live. We were almost disappointed how close it was!

They had one spot available when I had gotten online to reserve the spot, and it was only for one night. We were at the rv portion. Which was totally fine. We had no one across from us, no one near us, and it was awesome! We got there early to set up our site and then went out looking for a place to hike and check out for the afternoon. They have climbing there!!!! We decided to free climb around the area. Lots of really cool spots to climb up and down and get into precarious situations. It was a blast!!!!! That evening we get back to the site, ride our longboards around the camp circle (which was perfect from where we were at since it was mostly downhill), and we got the hammocks hung up and the fire going. It was a beautiful night!!!!

The next day we knew we had to pack up, which sucked, because we really want d to stay another night. No open spots for the second night and no cancelled reservations. Bummer! But!!!! They had primitive camping available. We have never done this, mind you. We have never hiked out to camp. Ever! So, we decided to just go for it! Why not?! Let’s just say we fell in love!!! Yes. It was just one night, but it was greatness!!! We filled up my Camelbak, grabbed a snack, bungee corded the crap out of our hammocks and sleeping bags, took the couple of essentials just in case, and headed out. Now, we were exhausted from spending the day climbing and hiking, and we decided to hike some more. We got to our spot, hung up the hammocks, and were worn the fuck out. We basically relaxed the rest of the evening.

The fun part of this is how you don’t realize how cold it can get sleeping in a hammock. Our first night was in a tent, on the ground, with mats under us. I hadn’t planned on sleeping in my hammock at all, so I never packed up my over quilt. Never crossed my mind! I woke up in the middle of the night to my mini me asking me for my sweatshirt. I informed her I was currently wearing it, and I suggested she join me in my hammock (thankfully I have a double and a couple singles, I brought the double, whew). The hammock sleeping was super comfy until then. But it was much warmer!!! Still had a blast!!!

We waited the next morning until the other campers packed up and headed out. We wanted to be lazy and enjoy our time out there. It was amazing! We had a nice little hike back, got some coffee at the camp store, and went out climbing one last time. We were so tired and worn out, but we had so much fun! We met and climbed around with a family that we met out there. Super sweet people!

What a great short trip we had!!! Even though we weren’t far from home, it made us want to do more. So now we hope to start camping over the weekends when we can and when the weather will hopefully be nice. We probably need to practice a bit more before we do any crappy weather camping. Just sayin.

Anyway, I thought that would be fun to share with you. I hope you have an amazing weekend enjoying whatever it is you enjoy doing.

Love,

Bonnie

Me and the mini on the first day!

Awesome pic the mini got! These smelled absolutely amazing!!!!!

The view was incredible!!

We had a blast taking photos on the rocks!

Our campsite the first night. Didn’t have the hammocks up yet.

Sunset on the first night was gorgeous!!

Fun selfie the first night! Flash was a tad bright…

Our second night spent in the hammocks this time. This was out at our primitive spot.

Fun little pose on our last day. Love that girl!!!

My mini is pretty awesome!!

Quick video of the lake. It was so peaceful out there!!!

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Mar 4

Isn’t It Funny…

by oceangrrrl

…where life takes you? It’s always a journey you never expected. You’re supposed to learn from your experiences and grow and become better, right? When sometimes it just becomes this overwhelming mass of crap that hits you all at once. Someone can ask just the right question, and it stays in the back of your mind to ponder a day later. Then that breeds more questions. Then you start thinking about why you did certain things. Then you wonder what you did with your life. Seriously! What the hell have I been doing with myself? Twenty years! It took me TWENTY YEARS to get a TWO YEAR degree!!! HA!!! Pathetic!

I bring this up, because I was asked if there was a degree that I wanted, that if I could have any four year degree, what would it be. I could only come up with something stupid and boring and pointless. An art degree? So I could actually learn how to paint? For what?!

So that got me thinking. What am I doing? I love making people happy. I love seeing people smile. I enjoy listening to others offload, lighten the weight on their shoulders. I like to mediate. I like to bring peace to people’s hearts. So where do I begin? Would another piece of paper declare to others that I officially know how to make people smile?

But this is what I seem to be exceptionally good at: asking questions of myself. I never seem to be able to answer them, just open more windows. Nothing like opening doors for myself. Just windows. An opening big enough for me to peer through but not walk through.

So I’m left with another question to myself. What do I do now?

And I don’t need anyone’s thoughts on this. I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head, because I know I’m not the only one who would read this and understand it completely. This blog was once a way to communicate to a very small group of people about the time I lived in my car. It has evolved over the past few years into a journal of sorts. It’s a way for me to get some of these thought clusters out of my damn head. Thank you for allowing me to put them into yours!

-Bonnie

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Dec 16

Long Time, No Write…

by oceangrrrl

Yes. It’s been quite a long while since I had last written. I know a few of you have been disappointed in my lack of communication. I must tell you, I have missed writing. I have missed sharing my life and emotions and experiences with you! But I have also been respecting another’s wishes, because they were uncomfortable with my writing about anything personal. Sadly, my life is a tad personal, and I respectfully quit writing. On a heartbreaking note, I am no longer with my writer’s block. It’s amazing how extra sad that becomes when I type it out. It’s always one thing to have it in your head. It’s another to see it before you.

I am heartbroken that my life, yet again, did not go according to plan. I had written about it before. I thought I had learned my lesson. Don’t plan. Just do. And yet, here I am, in a place I never planned to be, in a life I never foresaw, in a status I never thought I’d have to endure again. I thought id be happily married soon! I saw it!!! I saw it all in my head! So why am I not living that vision?! Why am I alone again?! Why am I here again?! What in the fuck does the universe want from me?!?!

I won’t get into the reasons why I am single again, but there is always later. I will talk about it when emotions aren’t so fresh. I know I am some heartless bitch of a woman with terrible timing. I’m sure that no one has heard the best about me. I’m sure my side of the story would only feel like a pathetic attempt to keep whatever ground I am left standing on. I must tell you, I am sorry I let so many people down. Including him. Including myself.

Life is an asshole.

I’ll write more soon! I just wanted to get a couple of things off my chest tonight. Love you all!!!

-Bonnie.

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